163 comments posted · 17 followers · following 5

177 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: When... · 0 replies · +1 points

LW1, introvert here! While I'm a very social introvert, I do have a hard time with large crowds, small talk, and "mingling." One solution to your problem might be to let your partner bring a close friend to some of these work functions (if possible, sounds like they're big social events so an extra guest might be ok?).

I know for me, I'm very happy to attend anything if I have a good friend that I can spend the night with, having deep discussions and maybe occasionally pulling some new people into the conversation. Someone I can find a good drink and a quiet corner with. That way, as DNL suggested, you could introduce him and his friend around at the beginning of the event, maybe they mingle for a little bit, and then they can run off to a quiet spot together while you continue to work your way around the event.

180 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - How To Overcome The Ob... · 0 replies · +1 points

These are excellent insights. Congrats on your personal growth in 2015!

180 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - How To Overcome The Ob... · 0 replies · +1 points

Yaaaaaas!!!! So insightful! I know when I was steeped in Objection Mentality, I was desperately seeking people to basically ok me being stuck. I wanted others to confirm that there was nothing I could do. Which is so fucked up! Why would I want to be stuck being unhappy!? And I wanted sympathy for my "impossible" situations. So much happier now that I've let all that go!

180 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - How To Overcome The Ob... · 0 replies · +2 points

I struggle with this so much! I'm growing a business on the side of having a full-time job, and I keep running myself into the ground, taking days, sometimes weeks to recover. Or I get walking pneumonia or the flu and am forced to stop for weeks.

I went home to visit in October for two weeks because I felt pressured to and I don't think I've recovered from it yet.

180 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 0 replies · +2 points

LW1: While I do think it's good to let your girlfriend know that you love her and you're not going anywhere, I think it's also very important to be honest with her about how taxing her insecurities are. I used to be very insecure and say similar things, until finally I realized (through dating someone who was also insecure and constantly questioning my commitment to him) that it's really the insecurity, the constant demand to stop enjoying yourself in order to reinforce your relationship, that will most likely push you away. As you perfectly stated - the first time she said it, you had to hold yourself back from weeping, after the fourth time it was just tiring. That effect will compound over time. For me, it was like, “Well, if you’re not going to enjoy this relationship with me, why have it at all?” It’s like watching a movie that you love with someone who hates the movie. It’s no fun. I’d rather watch the movie alone or with someone who likes it, too!

My advice is to tell her that you love her, you're very happy in your relationship, but her not trusting your love makes you feel like she's pushing you away. Let her know that it’s difficult for you to be genuinely in the moment with her, only to find out she’s questioning your devotion the whole time. You said, when you’re having sex you’re thinking, “Holy shit, this is great!” and she’s thinking, “Ugh, my stretch marks, my this, my that.” That sucks. It sucks that she can’t get lost in the moment with you, and can’t just let that shit go to enjoy what you have together.

I understand anxiety’s a bitch, but it’s up to each one of us to manage ourselves. I’ve learned to stop putting this shit on my partners and my friends, and I’ve worked to overcome the insecurities that drove this behavior in the first place. A big part of being able to do this is realizing that seeking constant reassurance was selfish and taxing on the other person.

I have a chronic condition that makes me feel 50 years older than I am, but I no longer worry myself or my partners over whether they will stay or leave because of it. I focus on our relationship and I clearly communicate my needs and limitations, and then let the rest happen as it may. Behaving this way, most people I’m close to would describe me as “a lot of fun” even though I have to leave parties at 8:00 or 9:00 pm and have to cancel on a ton of events last minute because of poor health or pain. Even though I often feel like a bag of dusty bricks.

Finding self-confidence and getting rid of the toxic need to be reassured constantly allows me to have fulfilling relationships where I don’t worry about being left. I don’t like my body right now, but I can fully accept and enjoy that my partners love to fuck it. I hate having so little energy, but I know that I AM a lot fun… before 8:00 or 9:00 pm ;)

My point is, it’s nice and good for you to reassure her in her low moments, but if she’s in a constant state of needing reassurance, she needs to work on that; and a great catalyst for that change is realizing that it’s not her condition, but her constant testing of your commitment, that is hurtful and most likely to push you away.

You sound like an amazing partner, and my heart goes out to both of you. Chronic illness is a motherfucker. Keep your chin up and good luck.

180 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 0 replies · +1 points

+ 1,000 to this amazing comment

180 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Avoid These 5 Dating D... · 42 replies · +39 points

#3 to the nth degree. I don't want to be someone's mom or therapist, or the only good thing in their life. It's too much pressure, and it takes away from all the things I want to do, which includes feeling safe and relaxed with my partner. I can't feel that way if I'm worried about their feelings 24/7 or trying to navigate the emotional minefield of How Much Will Finally Be Enough.

223 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is I... · 0 replies · +10 points

For LW2, I think a lot of people are being (possibly) harsh. I dated someone who was very controlling, and when he moved away and we continued to date long distance, he would insist on being on the phone for hours everyday even though we rarely had anything to talk about. This means instead of reading, or working out, or playing video games, I had to be lying on my couch or bed, with 100% of my attention and focus on him (even though he wasn't saying much of anything) and if I dared sounded bored or like I wanted to do something else, he'd be furious and say the exact same thing that the LW's girl is saying. And, come to think of it, even when we lived in the same town he'd call me at work and want to talk for 1-2 hours and get mad if I sounded distracted or had to go because my boss was giving me the hairy eyeball.

I think this is stemming from insecurity. I've had a lot of other long distance relationships and never felt the need nor I was I forced to be on the phone every night. I hate the phone and I have very little time after work and social engagements for my introvert time. I don't mind talking when we have things to talk about or I feel like it, but the required 2 hours a day felt like a prison sentence.

To prove I'm not a frigid beastie: my boyfriend called me as soon as he got home last night to tell me that he wasn't able to get his fill of me even though we had just hung out for a few hours. I was tickled pink and we talked for about 20-30 minutes before we both went to bed. It was cute! He's the only person I've enjoyed talking on the phone with, and a big part of that is that we do it whenever we truly want to talk to each other and have things to say, and we're able to keep it brief if we don't have anything to say but wanted to do a cute, "Hey, I just miss you" or "I just wanted to hear your voice before bed" call.

Anyway, my guess is that this relationship isn't working for the LW in one way or another, and while I think he should definitely try the advice the Doc suggested, I have a feeling it won't work out in the long haul. He probably needs someone more secure.

I just wanted to put in my two cents, since everyone seems to think he's being a jerk, whereas he's probably just been exhausted by her needs and her treating him like a dick for trying to take time for himself. I know when I feel attacked, I go on the offense to "prove" how awful the other person is being to get people to see my side. Not an effective tactic (something that I'm working on!) but his references to her may be just that.

223 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is I... · 2 replies · +43 points

I think it's quite possible that the LW is what I call an "escalator." He's the type of person you get into a relationship with and he has one mild kink. No big deal. Then a few more moderate kinks. Hey this is kind of fun, look at how wild I am! In the meantime, you two are falling in love and becoming intertwined. A relationship is building. By the time you get to fisting and anal, you're not so sure anymore but you want to please the other person and you feel a certain pride in being able to do these things so you keep going with it. Maybe in your mind you think once you're married and you have a kid, things will cool down. Then, as you're bouncing a baby on your hips, he springs that he wants BOTH of you to start fucking other men on you and you feel something inside you break.

Not saying it's entirely the LW's fault, but I've been in a relationship like this and it's very easy to get sexually brainwashed by someone, especially if that someone is a charismatic narcissist (not saying LW is, necessarily!). I started off thinking I was having the best sex of my life and by the time we broke up I was lying awake in bed after sex, feeling empty and filthy. Even though my body responded to the sex that we were having, I hated it.

This man used escalating to get me to do things that I would've said no to if he had brought them up initially. It was a weird form of sexual abuse. We started off very emotionally connected and by the time we broke up I felt like a sex doll. I tried voicing my concerns but he had me caught up in this whirlwind of chaos and there never seemed time to get him to be still and listen to me. Once he told me, while I was telling him not to come in me because I could get pregnant, to never say no to him.

I started to think maybe I was into things I didn't know and I was just shaming myself about it? But, it definitely wasn't the case. I didn't like what we were doing, but because he had such a strong sexual (and emotional) hold over me, I just went along with it.

Anyway, that may not be the case, but an escalation from anal to "I want us both to fuck everybody" after they just had a kid sounds a lot like what I went through on a smaller scale. His letter sounds a lot like how my ex would talk. It's possible that she's reached the disgusted end-of-the-line that I did where now everything is a turn-off and she just wants a "normal" relationship like I did. The kink in the beginning may have just been her way to try to accommodate someone who bamboozled her, a way to try to heal him or feel close or needed. The escalations wiped the stardust from her eyes and now she's trying to figure how the fuck to deal with this situation.

I do think there's sexual incompatibility and I do believe this marriage is likely over. I wish them both the best of luck.

223 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - How To Avoid Drama In ... · 3 replies · +7 points

After going through a terrible break up last year where I allowed someone to take over and summarily destroy my life with his broad shoulders and his magnitism, I had to take a long hard look at myself. I was never one to cause drama, but I was definitely drawn to it in my partners. That checklist? All of my exes could mark off most boxes.

Instead of being a victim, I had to do a ton of work on myself to see why I kept making these choices, why was I drawn to this particular type of person, why did I allow my partners to treat me so terribly, etc. It was hard. It was hard to accept responsibility for being treated so badly, but at the end of the day I realized that I couldn't control them, I could only control me. And so I learned about myself, worked on my self esteem, started dating and being more picky. I've finally found someone amazing, someone who makes me feel good and safe instead of like I'm walking on eggshells.

I love the part about the "common denominator" - it's so true that if something keeps happening to you over and over, the only place you can look to for a solution is yourself.