2,570 comments posted · 17 followers · following 0

100 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Who Has The Power in D... · 0 replies · +6 points

So, you wanted a tall girl because it's a turn-on for you and fulfills one of your desires, and that's okay, but you think women should just accept the advances of all men? So what you're saying is that men are allowed to choose partners based on attraction but women aren't? That's incredibly hypocritical.

100 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Anatomy Lesson: Breaki... · 0 replies · +2 points

I second this. DNL showcases a particular model that is very much not the only one, and it takes a bit of self-awareness and imagination to pick out what aspects of his advice are not a good fit for your genuine self versus which details might be different from your current behavior but could be incorporated usefully into your own style of interaction without having to become someone you're not.

If you'd like to hear ideas about different styles of flirting or attraction-building, I'm sure people would be happy to give examples if you ask in the upcoming Wednesday open thread or on the unofficial forum (http://nerdlounge.canadian-forum.com). People don't always catch discussions going on on very old articles.

100 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 3 replies · +22 points

This seems to be a hard thing for many people to get. I think the thing you're missing here is that 'an entity' is a being with an independent existence, essentially 'a person.' Harassment is based on seeing someone as a sexual object, not an actual person, ignoring the possibility the body others may of wish to derive sexual pleasure from (or may not - an awful lot of harassment isn't even expressing a thought of deriving sexual pleasure) belongs to the person, erasing their own existence as a being, sexual or otherwise.

For an example, my most recent experience of harassment was a man, walking slowly past me, watching me with a smirk on his face, clearly enjoying my discomfort, while repeating in a low voice "pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy...." I'm hoping you can see why this wasn't something that makes one feel like a sexual entity, a person who can desire and be desired, and why it definitely doesn't affirm attractiveness, but rather like a body part, dehumanized, a thing. It's not "I'm so attracted to this person I have to express it even at the risk of being inappropriate," it's "this person is vulnerable, and I know what can make her uncomfortable"

Does that maybe clarify how many women could have experienced harassment but still have also experienced not being seen as a sexual entity?

101 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Wednesday Open Thread:... · 1 reply · +2 points

So glad he's doing okay. I hope your family can finally get a break now (and maybe even some spring weather soon? please?)

101 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Wednesday Open Thread:... · 3 replies · +4 points

Sending good thoughts to you and your brother and your family.

101 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - "Cutoff Culture" And t... · 0 replies · +2 points

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I think maybe the explanation you're looking for is that your ex was an abuser, and there's nothing he could say to make the way he treated you okay or to make you feel okay about how he treated you - because it wasn'tokay, and you're right to be upset and angry about it. You didn't deserve that.

And I can see that you're hurting about the way he broke up with you, but I really hope at some point you'll be able to feel glad that he left, because you deserve so much better than him, and no matter how shitty the way he broke up with you, that means you're away from him now and don't have to be around someone who treats you so badly and makes you feel like you deserve it.

I hope you'll take Mel's suggestion of talking to a professional about it, because what happened to you was awful, and it's natural and reasonable to be angry and hurt and feel damaged, and you should have lots of support while you recover and heal from this.

101 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - "Cutoff Culture" And t... · 6 replies · +4 points

Is there really anything they could say that would actually make it better? You didn't want them to break up with you, they decided they couldn't be in the relationship with you after all and break up again, at a time you really didn't want them to. Those things are done. Whatever answer they gave would essentially be "I don't want to be in a relationship with you," and that's how things are. Be hurt, be angry, grieve, and move on - and please get yourself to an emotional state where you can handle a break-up before getting into a new relationship, because breakups are always a possibility, and you can't rule out a future breakup by offering them a chance to get out earlier, because relationships are not static and neither are people.

Tl;dr The relationship is over and no explanation will change that. I'm sorry.

101 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Building Attraction: W... · 0 replies · +2 points

I do wish people wouldn't go deleting their accounts as soon as anyone suggests they might be trolling. If you're going to troll, stand by it, dagnabbit!

101 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Wednesday Open Thread:... · 0 replies · +3 points

Ugh, that's annoying, it's so frustrating when people aren't paying attention and grab you by a handle that doesn't fit.

101 weeks ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Wednesday Open Thread:... · 0 replies · +1 points

I have an ancient iRiver, which sounds pretty perfect for you and is still running after 10+ years, but they're probably not making anymore, sorry.