1,266 comments posted · 8 followers · following 3

9 years ago @ The Toast - Sir Gawain And The Gre... · 0 replies · +67 points

I really want a version of this for all the times in Le Morte that Lancelot brought ruin to all of Europe by being bad at sex decisions. It's been a while since I read it but I'm pretty sure this happened at least four times.

9 years ago @ The Toast - I Have Got To Catch My... · 0 replies · +20 points

*emits a sustained, escalating-pitch squeal*

9 years ago @ The Toast - My Favourite Deleted C... · 6 replies · +71 points

How are my fellow white dudes this sensitive? I really, really don't understand this.

I also don't understand how literally all of these dudes complaining about the use of "literally" have literally never heard of hyperbole once in their lives.

9 years ago @ octopus pie - #768 - leftovers · 0 replies · +15 points

Yes, during Will and Marigold's ill-advised hookup, Larry had taken to the sofa with Marigold's friends. He's def bi. http://www.octopuspie.com/2012-12-20/567-augh/

9 years ago @ The Toast - Things I Believe To Be... · 0 replies · +68 points

Imagining the writer getting home from the grocery store with a 300-pack (or whatever) of napkins, using ONE to blow her nose, and throwing the rest away.

9 years ago @ The Toast - Gleeful Mobs Of Women ... · 0 replies · +32 points

someone get his harp, men cannot be killed unless you also destroy the instrument they were trying to play at you

Today I learned that male musicians are actually liches. The world makes a little more sense than it did this morning.

9 years ago @ The Toast - Please Join Me In Spec... · 2 replies · +39 points

"What it's like to date Cher on a stolen horse"

9 years ago @ octopus pie - #734 - same though · 0 replies · +4 points

The difference being that this was HER book club, and thus she was not guilted into it.

9 years ago @ The Toast - Reasons Why I Would Ma... · 0 replies · +95 points

12. Like the druids, little is known about how I spend my time, and scholars argue whether or not I would have been strong enough to move sandstones across southwestern England

Nice try, Mallory. Academic consensus settled YEARS ago on you building Stonehenge.

9 years ago @ The Toast - How To Tell If You Are... · 1 reply · +24 points

There comes a point in most of the cases you prosecute where you decide to throw the trial. For the remainder of the trial you allow the defense attorney to prosecute your key witness while you mostly smirk. Somehow this stunningly unprofessional behavior has earned you a quick series of promotions.

There is an old woman, and she is a nightmare. You cannot escape her. She finagles her way into being a witness for a suspicious number of your trials. She haunts your dreams. Your colleagues find her amusing.

Your political and legal system is not sophisticated enough to produce competent judges. It can't even produce multiple judges