polar534

polar534

36p

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6 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 2 replies · +1 points

If there is one thing that completely fucks me over and makes me feel worse then my suicidal depression it's the horrid hormonal period mood swings. And yeah, for those that don't have them it doesn't seem like much. But I'm on birth control pills in a desperate attempt at keeping me alive because of my bleeding disorder. I really don't want to die of blood loss due to my period of all things.

But one thing they do very very well is fuck up my hormones.

And when my period comes around my mood swings are absolutely out of control. I usually have 2 emotions, grumpy or straight up furious.

And this is me we are talking about. Anger makes me physically hurt. After a fit of anger I'm usually nauseous from selfhatred. I've once puked after a fit because I was so upset by it. Now imagine not being able to control that and absolutely nothing setting it off and no way of knowing when it could stop.

That's what I'm dealing with.

And normally I can tell when somethings wrong with my friends. If they are short with me, or snippy, I may get upset but I work around to asking what's wrong and immediately change to letting things that would normally hurt me slide. Because 1, I know it's not them. They are hurting and don't mean to hurt me too. And 2, if they do manage to hurt me they'll hate themselves even more when they finally feel better.

So I either leave them alone or let them get it all put. Sometimes I even purposefully provoke them if I think they just need a release.

But when Kyleigh is going through something, she is just being an inconsiderate bitch~

It's not that she actually physically can't control it and mentally is unable to. It's not that her dog is rotting alive and tomorrow will be the last day he is on this earth.

Nopppppppppeeeeeeee.
Friends, family. It's all the same.

Fuck them.
And then people get upset cause I corner myself off to avoid snapping at them. AND THEN THEY HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY IM BEING RUDE.

Like whaaat? I'm in my room because I'm a danger to everybody's mental stability. I'm trying to keep things short and simple because longer interaction increases my likelihood of hurting you.

Just.
Ugh.

*face drag across concrete*

7 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 1 reply · +1 points

Got overwhelmed at work today. Didn't help that the two worst people worked with me.

And guys... I've tried giving them chances and passes and they are just bad people. Extremely rude to me at least. But oooohhh their buddies get special treatment.

But urgh. Besides that, I tried taking deep breaths and just relaxing because with everything that went wrong I was about to explode. And instead of happy thoughts coming to me, all I got where thoughts of how I got ran off singlehandly by Grazin.

I tried remembering my friends and instantly Glenn came up. I always looked up to him. He was one of my first friends and the dude who convinced me to stay.

And how he was the first to throw me out to the garbage.

Then Shining. A dude I constantly worried about. One night he left a suicidal post on base and I was the only one there. After that I watched him like a hawk to make sure he wouldn't try anything again.

He doesn't even talk to me anymore. Sticks only around Grazin.

And she says I drove away these people.
Ha. I can't believe I was stupid enough to believe that.

The question now is... where they ever really my friends?

I've already come to the conclusion about Hys. He never really considered me his friend. Otherwise as Grazin started talking shit he would have come to me. But no. Instead he decides to attack me after months of silence, about lies Grazin told him. Well not lies. But she damn well never tells the full truth and twists everything I say.

And of course after mentally debating that in my head as I was constantly getting snarked at by these 2 asshats someone who actually cares had to call me an early lunch. That's how much I was just radiating anger and sadness.

God I've been treated like shit.
I'm so tired of it.

It's like the world wants to push me over the edge and I get punished for ever letting anything out in order to not blow up.

7 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 3 replies · +1 points

I... find myself missing my friends today. So much so that my heart is physically hurting. More so now then it ever has been. And it's not just one friend, or a group, it's every single friend I had. The ones that put up with my nonsense and gave me hugs or laughed at my awful jokes.

God...
I could really use a hug.

I'm now crying. I miss them so much. I guess I didn't ever want to admit it after I left high school but that was really the end. It had always terrified me. The idea of losing everyone after high school. I watched my parents and thought of how little friends they have now and how they see less of them then I could have ever thought possible.

And I mean, society today has put such an emphasis of finding love and that filling your heart enough as an adult...

But I can't feel those things.
I really do think that besides me being asexual I'm aromantic as well. I mean honestly every stupid crush I've had wasn't really for I want to spend every day with this person, but more of, I bet I could make them laugh so hard they snort. Or I want to be able to stand by their side when theyre hurt. I want to protect them.

The idea of kissing someone like that makes my entire body shake. It just feels wrong. I'm there to protect them, to be their friend. I... don't want anything more. The idea just can't even compute.

And all of this circles back around to me feeling so alone for the first time in my life. I mean, I'm not lonely. I think that's a total separate thing. I have friendly faces and my family around me, but I feel alone. The idea of just being able to gather all my friends around a table to just talk makes my heart hurt even more knowing how amazing that would make me feel. And then it hurts knowing it just can't happen anymore.

Dammit. I'd give anything to be with them again...

7 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 1 reply · +1 points

Yeah... it was just me realizing how absolutely vicious Grazin was. Even after I left, all she wanted to do was grind her boot farther and farther in and then spit on my grave.

Only. I used much much more colorful language to describe how awful she was cause base flashed back and reading her words had me in a state of such depression I was getting suicidal. After I snapped out of that I think I finally realized just how wrong I was...

No matter what I did, or what she thought I did, I deserved none of how she treated me.

8 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 1 reply · +1 points

No no. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. This post shouldn't have taken the time it did. I was just upset.

8 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 4 replies · +1 points

I just wanted so badly for it to be over.

9 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 1 reply · +1 points

Whelp. I've got a case of depression tonight. Another 12 hour shift trying to forget everything.

Ughhhh.
I wouldn't be so scared if I didn't know that I have like 5 days off of me just struggling with this without work to distract me.

10 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 0 replies · +1 points

No no. Please don't be sorry. There were so many things that went wrong. Everyone just wanted desperately to be happy.

10 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 2 replies · +1 points

Sometimes facts are just facts, but sometimes there are explanations behind those facts that change the outlook. She has been doing this for awhile and only now I think me and EG have it figured out. I knew people wanted change. And she did seem to give everyone the answers they wanted and as I grew more and more desperate to convince everyone things would be fine I ended up giving her more fuel.

But now it's all too late. I'm gone. FD is fading and well, base is base.

10 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 1 reply · +1 points

Wonder why my body is shaking...
Is it lack of food, I really haven't been eating, lack of blood, I have no shortages of bruises and scratches, I have been having trouble breathing lately... I don't know why but at the same time... I kinda don't mind my body deteriorating as it is. Makes the drag of life seem like it's coming to a close.