polar534

polar534

30p

29 comments posted · 5 followers · following 0

1 week ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 0 replies · +1 points

Fucking dreams. I wish they never existed... ugh. But without them I have an even bigger hole in My life.

1 week ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 2 replies · +1 points

My heart hurts so much I wish I could take a knife and stab it. Just to get it to stop.

1 week ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 1 reply · +1 points

Ah haha hahaha hahaha.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Kill me.

1 week ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 0 replies · +1 points

It's Cold. Fingers, toes, back... heart. It all yearns for the warmth it felt so long ago. It's so easy to push past the darkness when you no longer have time to live in it, but what happens when you do? It creeps in, slowly, reminding you it's still there. Reminding you of just how much you lost. Reminding you...

There's still one way to escape the darkness forever.
And gently pushing the knowledge of it to the forefront of your mind.

And...
How much you yearn to escape the darkness to escape the cold. To see the light of what used to be... just once more.

4 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 0 replies · +1 points

Hm... this Panera was the last place I actually truely talked with Emily. That was Sophmore year. I was so surprised and happy when she invited me to study with her and some others. That was about the time we started to drift apart.

10 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 0 replies · +1 points

I've apologized for more recent problems over Skype Metro. It's been a couple of weeks now and no replies yet.. I keep trying to put this all behind us and nothing's happening. I honestly think she needs time at the moment and thus that's what I'm giving her. I'm trying to patch my mistakes as best I can.

11 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 2 replies · +1 points

It's ok.
I can be happy. It's not impossible. I've just got to try again. I can make up for past sins that haunt me... well some
.. by just trying. No one is actively hating you at the moment... well expect for Grazin. I can do this. It's small steps.

I can do this.

11 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 0 replies · +1 points

I sometimes write letters to you... But I know you'll never get them. I'll never get to see your eyes, the ones that shone with love and affection not just pity. The ones that wanted me to be ok not cause of obligation or because you felt like you needed too... But because you genuinely wanted a better life for me. I write you letters. Either on paper, in my notes or in my head. Sometimes their silly. Like a random thought or memory I had. But a lot of the times they get serious. And I just wish... I wish you could read them. Or I could tell them to you like I could always tell everything to you. And even the things I didn't say you understood. We didn't need to speak. We were that close.

I still don't understand what happened. It's been so many years at this point. It's almost sad... no it is sad how much I miss you. And all that keeps me going somedays is the idea that... maybe you miss me too.

Hah.
You know... I often imagine you appearing in my life. Like, one day I'll be at work and the new employee is you... and then I curse myself, i get mad thinking you deserve so much better than to be scraping by the way I am. The way I literally failed on every single one of the dreams I shared with you and you encouraged.

I miss you.
I'm barely even a person without you anymore. You made me into who I am. You are the only reason I made it to where I am today and was able to meet the people I love today. But I cant... I just can't stand the idea that in order for all of this to happen...

I had to lose you too.
And I never could have ever imagined losing you. But... I did. What's worse is I didn't just lose you. I pushed you away. I pushed you away and then at the last second when you were still with me... I let you go.

I can't forgive myself for many things. You know of the biggest one. You were the first person I told... But what if I told you now... that not managing to keep you in my life and failing as the friend I always swore I was, was the second worse thing I have ever failed at in life?

11 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 0 replies · +1 points

Flashback to when I was super suicidal! And now I'm just repressed depressed.

And if you don't know what that means you've haven't been to your lowest yet and then somehow gone even lower until you just accept it.

I'm a sad sack of shit tonight!