en-us https://www.intensedebate.com/users/15006324 Comments by polar534 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1074677244 Sometimes I wonder if there is something inherently unlovable about me. I mean I'm sure everyone else does as well, from time to time. But like... well the different kind of love. I dont care much for romantics, but friendship? Well damn I just suck on every count of it. I feel as though I'm a really good pillar to get your bearings on before you dive back out in the the world. And that's not to say only people who are broken are my friends. It's more towards, I'm a comfort when their life is unstable and beyond that I'm not worth it. Not worth keeping up. And God do I sound like a broken record but Em just has always felt different. Which is exactly why its always been so hard. My past made it difficult for me to trust, but... after Em it just never felt easy to believe in any trust I actually felt. Maybe I want a relationship, maybe I want a friendship... maybe i just... Want a hug. A hug that tells me everything will be ok, and even if its not... Well I can always get another one. Wed, 29 May 2019 10:53:39 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1074677244 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1073892273 FRIENDSHIP BRACELET! BITCH I CALLED IT! Tue, 14 May 2019 07:19:42 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1073892273 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1073243336 Havent been sleeping the best lately. I thought perhaps I was just getting sick, part of me knows it cause I havent had melatonin in awhile. But still I shouldn't 'need' extra melatonin to sleep. That's just an excellent sign that my body needs to suck it up and deal with being normal for like a day. I mean it doesnt help this whole, safety issue. My mind probably saw this coming. I mean I always know it's out there. Something exists to remind me that it could always be taken away and sometimes instead of reminding, it just takes. And takes. And takes. I wonder what will happen this time. Seems like a pretty downward slope but I cant quite tell if what I see as the bottom will just drop out from under me the moment I hit it. My stomach is in knots and I'm more tired then ever but it makes no difference. I wont be getting sleep. And the few winks I might grab will be fitful as they have been. I could cling to the hope that I might actually be able to find safety in just a couple more months but even that I know is a lie I always see something in the future, an escape, but I'll never get there. I never do. I just trudge forward, letting life drag me to whatever else hell it decides it wants to try next. Part of me feels like I deserve it. I shouldn't be craving safety or happiness, I shouldn't be desiring those things and even go so far as to fool myself into thinking I had them when so many others suffer worse then me. And back and forth it goes. My mind on a devilish seesaw. I want to feel safe I deserve to feel safe vs I dont deserve anything and I shouldn't fool myself. Ip and down. Up and down. Fri, 3 May 2019 10:48:42 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1073243336 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1073144715 You want to know what's absolute bullshit? The fact that I work with a bunch of pissface moaners. I've been in this upper position a little under 5 months. Yeah some people should've gotten the swing of things by now, I get that. I'm getting paid more therefore i have more responsibility. But you fuck up one thing and I either get passive aggressive note leaving or a bullshit 'This is unacceptable' text. You know what?! We work fucking together asshat. That's the point of having multiple people. And guess what?! When others fuck up I... get this... fix their mistakes and dont bother them about it. Cause guess what. Life is hard and it sucks and sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes stuff just sucks to do and so I'll go right ahead and do it for them. But no. I mess up on one thing on a fucking shitty ass morning shift (Which btw I was never and still havent been fully trained on, I was thrown in blindly and expected to do everything perfectly to get the day running which is total fucking crap) and I get torn a new one? Fuck that shit. I listen to you bitch 24/7 about your life and how luch others suck and how much you want to quit and whatnot and feel bad and you turn around and do this? That's some serious bullshit. Wed, 1 May 2019 19:46:08 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1073144715 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1070721542 Stress is down quite a bit. Feeling much better though honestly I probably could do with a week off of work. :/ Tue, 26 Mar 2019 03:05:00 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1070721542 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1070632835 Thought I got it all out. I was wrong. I want to complain moreeeeeee. 1. My truck breaks are going out and I dont have the time to fix them causing immense stress and panic. 2. I need to get my shit together to move but I dont have time to causing stress and panic. 3. Everyone around me is in an awful mood causing me to bottle up my feelings in an attempt to make them feel better. 4. I fucking dropped my phone in a pile of shit yesterday. And by pile, I mean a bucket full of about 4 pounds of shit and chemical water and it stayed there. For 3 hours. Because no one wanted to help me look for it. Hmmm. What else. Besides my mind going to all sorts of fucking awful places, not for me but for literally everything else I think the lesson here is I'm stressed.b Sun, 24 Mar 2019 02:19:52 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1070632835 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1070631393 Something gives me the awful feeling my dad ain't going to make it much longer. And I'm here stuck with a bunch of pansy ass coworkers who as soon as they have to work hard turn into complainers as if they have a fucking reason their life sucks more then anyone else's out there. Pull up your God damn big kid pants and deal with it or get out cause I ain't in the mood to pamper your damn ass. Sun, 24 Mar 2019 01:35:46 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1070631393 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1065989480 Oh god... I feel sick. It's been 6 years since I was friends with Emily. Now it's been 3 years since I've actually seen her. Why am I still so torn up about her? I still miss her. To the point where I'm getting physically sick thinking about it. I feel creepy. This has got to be unhealthy. I mean imagine if she knew I missed her so much. She probably be worried sick. Like oh God i was friends with a physcopathic stalkerish person. I'm just depressed and i suppose its closely linked to Em. But still. Someone should like get rid of me. Edit: Nevermind. Figured out why I'm so torn up today of all days. Its snowing outside. Sun, 14 Oct 2018 13:58:01 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1065989480 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1061640517 Like, just plain pettiness mean. The funny thing is there is a part of me that really wants to lead because I have ideas and experiences that I think could work well in a leadership position. And then there is the part of me that's just like, "Plebs I can do so much better then you. Then you could see just how unfair a leader can be." But she only comes out when Polars really sad and just wants control again. Thu, 3 May 2018 23:51:40 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1061640517 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1061616256 Actually most of it is just mean. So yeah, not so much fun. ;×; Wed, 2 May 2018 23:17:56 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1061616256 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1061493899 Ok psycho tired Polar. No rambles of world domination today. Go to bed friendo. Go sulk in bed. Sat, 28 Apr 2018 11:35:44 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1061493899 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1059434892 If there is one thing that completely fucks me over and makes me feel worse then my suicidal depression it's the horrid hormonal period mood swings. And yeah, for those that don't have them it doesn't seem like much. But I'm on birth control pills in a desperate attempt at keeping me alive because of my bleeding disorder. I really don't want to die of blood loss due to my period of all things. But one thing they do very very well is fuck up my hormones. And when my period comes around my mood swings are absolutely out of control. I usually have 2 emotions, grumpy or straight up furious. And this is me we are talking about. Anger makes me physically hurt. After a fit of anger I'm usually nauseous from selfhatred. I've once puked after a fit because I was so upset by it. Now imagine not being able to control that and absolutely nothing setting it off and no way of knowing when it could stop. That's what I'm dealing with. And normally I can tell when somethings wrong with my friends. If they are short with me, or snippy, I may get upset but I work around to asking what's wrong and immediately change to letting things that would normally hurt me slide. Because 1, I know it's not them. They are hurting and don't mean to hurt me too. And 2, if they do manage to hurt me they'll hate themselves even more when they finally feel better. So I either leave them alone or let them get it all put. Sometimes I even purposefully provoke them if I think they just need a release. But when Kyleigh is going through something, she is just being an inconsiderate bitch~ It's not that she actually physically can't control it and mentally is unable to. It's not that her dog is rotting alive and tomorrow will be the last day he is on this earth. Nopppppppppeeeeeeee. Friends, family. It's all the same. Fuck them. And then people get upset cause I corner myself off to avoid snapping at them. AND THEN THEY HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY IM BEING RUDE. Like whaaat? I'm in my room because I'm a danger to everybody's mental stability. I'm trying to keep things short and simple because longer interaction increases my likelihood of hurting you. Just. Ugh. *face drag across concrete* Fri, 9 Mar 2018 06:41:06 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1059434892 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1059080965 Got overwhelmed at work today. Didn't help that the two worst people worked with me. And guys... I've tried giving them chances and passes and they are just bad people. Extremely rude to me at least. But oooohhh their buddies get special treatment. But urgh. Besides that, I tried taking deep breaths and just relaxing because with everything that went wrong I was about to explode. And instead of happy thoughts coming to me, all I got where thoughts of how I got ran off singlehandly by Grazin. I tried remembering my friends and instantly Glenn came up. I always looked up to him. He was one of my first friends and the dude who convinced me to stay. And how he was the first to throw me out to the garbage. Then Shining. A dude I constantly worried about. One night he left a suicidal post on base and I was the only one there. After that I watched him like a hawk to make sure he wouldn't try anything again. He doesn't even talk to me anymore. Sticks only around Grazin. And she says I drove away these people. Ha. I can't believe I was stupid enough to believe that. The question now is... where they ever really my friends? I've already come to the conclusion about Hys. He never really considered me his friend. Otherwise as Grazin started talking shit he would have come to me. But no. Instead he decides to attack me after months of silence, about lies Grazin told him. Well not lies. But she damn well never tells the full truth and twists everything I say. And of course after mentally debating that in my head as I was constantly getting snarked at by these 2 asshats someone who actually cares had to call me an early lunch. That's how much I was just radiating anger and sadness. God I've been treated like shit. I'm so tired of it. It's like the world wants to push me over the edge and I get punished for ever letting anything out in order to not blow up. Thu, 1 Mar 2018 21:16:47 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1059080965 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058885635 I... find myself missing my friends today. So much so that my heart is physically hurting. More so now then it ever has been. And it's not just one friend, or a group, it's every single friend I had. The ones that put up with my nonsense and gave me hugs or laughed at my awful jokes. God... I could really use a hug. I'm now crying. I miss them so much. I guess I didn't ever want to admit it after I left high school but that was really the end. It had always terrified me. The idea of losing everyone after high school. I watched my parents and thought of how little friends they have now and how they see less of them then I could have ever thought possible. And I mean, society today has put such an emphasis of finding love and that filling your heart enough as an adult... But I can't feel those things. I really do think that besides me being asexual I'm aromantic as well. I mean honestly every stupid crush I've had wasn't really for I want to spend every day with this person, but more of, I bet I could make them laugh so hard they snort. Or I want to be able to stand by their side when theyre hurt. I want to protect them. The idea of kissing someone like that makes my entire body shake. It just feels wrong. I'm there to protect them, to be their friend. I... don't want anything more. The idea just can't even compute. And all of this circles back around to me feeling so alone for the first time in my life. I mean, I'm not lonely. I think that's a total separate thing. I have friendly faces and my family around me, but I feel alone. The idea of just being able to gather all my friends around a table to just talk makes my heart hurt even more knowing how amazing that would make me feel. And then it hurts knowing it just can't happen anymore. Dammit. I'd give anything to be with them again... Sun, 25 Feb 2018 13:38:40 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058885635 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058877242 Yeah... it was just me realizing how absolutely vicious Grazin was. Even after I left, all she wanted to do was grind her boot farther and farther in and then spit on my grave. Only. I used much much more colorful language to describe how awful she was cause base flashed back and reading her words had me in a state of such depression I was getting suicidal. After I snapped out of that I think I finally realized just how wrong I was... No matter what I did, or what she thought I did, I deserved none of how she treated me. Sun, 25 Feb 2018 09:04:26 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058877242 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058597852 No no. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. This post shouldn't have taken the time it did. I was just upset. Mon, 19 Feb 2018 05:37:56 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058597852 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058597821 I just wanted so badly for it to be over. Mon, 19 Feb 2018 05:37:23 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058597821 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058352378 Whelp. I've got a case of depression tonight. Another 12 hour shift trying to forget everything. Ughhhh. I wouldn't be so scared if I didn't know that I have like 5 days off of me just struggling with this without work to distract me. Wed, 14 Feb 2018 00:56:26 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058352378 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058071358 No no. Please don't be sorry. There were so many things that went wrong. Everyone just wanted desperately to be happy. Wed, 7 Feb 2018 22:04:47 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058071358 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058020473 Sometimes facts are just facts, but sometimes there are explanations behind those facts that change the outlook. She has been doing this for awhile and only now I think me and EG have it figured out. I knew people wanted change. And she did seem to give everyone the answers they wanted and as I grew more and more desperate to convince everyone things would be fine I ended up giving her more fuel. But now it's all too late. I'm gone. FD is fading and well, base is base. Tue, 6 Feb 2018 20:02:57 +0000 http://onlyhooves.blogspot.com/2014/10/pony-of-day-10.html#IDComment1058020473