108 comments posted · 114 followers · following 0

7 years ago @ The Toast - Cocktail Hour: Open Th... · 1 reply · +4 points

As stated above with that awesome link thanks to @eegghh, the biological clock is a myth (invented by a man, natch).

Buuuuuut the "clock feelings" I think are real for some. I always wanted kids when I was younger/through college. Then I graduated and all of a sudden my brain was like "wait, never do that" and I decided I didn't even know if I wanted to be married or live anyone, let alone have children.

Now I'm at the tail end of my 20s and I've spent a good several months (post therapy) firmly ensconced in my acceptance that I want a mostly monogamous relationship for the rest of my life (if I could only find someone) and that I might want kids too. The kids part still ebbs and flows, but it really started up after I saw my friend have a baby and visited with her (she has the most chill baby of all time, so serious false advertising that I am FALLING FOR). I follow a ton of baby-focused instagrams now and find myself wondering about homebirth vs hospital and preschool philosophies.

*But* I'm still trying to figure it out because honestly, most of the time I think what I'm longing for is stability and that I'm feeling seriously "nest-y" to build a home (and I can't right now) and I am asking myself if I just imprint kids in that picture because that's what we are taught. And you know, instagrams of babies are great bc they are silent and cute.

I hope this answer *kind of* helped? I think I'm just a few steps up the questioning path from you, so at least you can see how I got "here"?

7 years ago @ The Toast - Link Roundup! · 1 reply · +9 points

Definitely don't go on tumblr... there are idiots on there proclaiming that, no matter what happens, you can just write Bernie's name into your ballot, so that "they" will see who we really want (when I saw that post it had like 60k + notes).

I just....
*rage screams into abyss*

7 years ago @ The Toast - Link Roundup! · 0 replies · +1 points


Would this be the right place to ask about Toastie slack as well? And/or gathering place for soon-to-be-orphaned toasts?

(If it's not the right place, I apologize!)

ETA: saw the space witch retreat slack info downthread! sorry!

7 years ago @ The Toast - Link Roundup! · 0 replies · +1 points

This is so helpful! Thank you!! And yes....it would be so easy. You should do it! (I am terrible at helping people save money, can you tell?)

Side note, I would LOVE a toastie meetup in Iceland, if anyone else decides to go this fall!

I am really excited to hear you hung out with lots of young people and everyone was friendly. I'm pretty outgoing/friendly/open (esp now that I moved and am no longer living in 24/7 misery). So I think that could work for me! My previous experiences traveling, we would wind up at hotels in the middle of nowhere with large groups of aged german nudists. Not to say they weren't interesting... but I would definitely prefer a younger crowd if I had a choice haha.

7 years ago @ The Toast - Link Roundup! · 3 replies · +4 points

I am saving all that info!! The knitting store- I can only dream how amazing it must be!
Can I jump on this little mini convo and ask-- do you think Iceland would be a good solo trip? I've wanted to go for YEARS, and I can finally afford it and have the time, but none of my friends can/want to go.

I found an amazing deal for October so I would be there solo for about 8-10 days.

I've moved across the country alone and flown alone a ton (US and Europe), but always to a city where I knew at least 1 other person. My major concern here is: I get the impression it's easier to do more of what you want with a friend, where you can get a car and explore together (I'm not a great driver), etc.
I don't want to be on a random tour bus with me and a bunch of german grandparents (as fun as that might be for a day or two).

Any thoughts at all would be so appreciated!

7 years ago @ The Toast - Link Roundup and Open ... · 0 replies · +3 points

In addition to the meds and all that, I don't know if you're into holistic therapies at all, but my acupuncturist was great for me when I was experiencing (what she calls) "rapid hungering".

(It actually fluctuated for me a bit when I was adjusting to my meds too, but then it evened out with her help and I don't have that these days).

Good luck to you, I've been there and I am sending lots of positivity your way <3

7 years ago @ The Toast - Cocktail Hour: Open Th... · 0 replies · +1 points

Thank you!!! This was a very helpful and lovely reply. Even just affirming that it's hard and it's not just me!

I am not into BDSM culture (at least, not at all compared to those who are regulars on these sites) but I started searching on there after having such poor luck with more "normal" pools of dating. But I am glad to hear that you don't go to clubs or munches and have still managed to find partners in other ways. I've never wanted to go to a munch, and the clubs around me are ones I would not frequent without already having a partner to attend with me. I was starting to worry that if I didn't start forcing myself to attend events in local scene, I would be cutting myself off from ever finding someone.

I drop the predators immediately, but I've found I have a happy/sad view of it- on the one hand, like you say, it's a relatively quick way to find out that someone is a garbage person and feel 100% ok cutting them off. On the other hand, the amount of times I've had to do it just makes me more anxious about ever finding someone (in my time zone and similar stage of life) who will respect my boundaries and want all the things and I want and have chemistry with.

The OKC advice is good! I've had mixed experiences there in the past but I might give it a try again and answer those questions/ filter my matches for kink!

Thank you again <3

Worst comes to worst, I'll just have to move back to Europe ^_^

7 years ago @ The Toast - Cocktail Hour: Open Th... · 1 reply · +2 points

Haha I have a total love-hate relationship with them, but I have to grudgingly admit I've found some of my favorite sweaters there.

7 years ago @ The Toast - Cocktail Hour: Open Th... · 3 replies · +3 points

I've just moved from NYC to the Bay Area and I have to say I finally feel more positive about dating prospects (or at least, hopeful enough that I have started putting myself out there again).

The problem is, I'm a feminist who wants to find a kinky guy (why are so many guys on kink sites so offensive?!) And I don't move very quickly because I need to know someone's mind to be attracted to them.

I am sick of meeting guys off dating apps who don't understand what I want, and guys off BDSM sites who think I will sleep with them immediately BC kinky means "I have sex with anything that moves" (it will come as a surprise to no one here that I state all over my profile and in messages that it takes me time to feel comfortable with someone. And that almost every first date a guy ignores that and tried to convince me to sleep with him).

My friends tell me to stop meeting guys on BDSM sites because "normal guys can be into that too" which I completely agree with, but it's hard enough for me to find ONE person I like, let alone have that shared interest (also, I don't think they realize how varied kink can be. Just BC someone is into a more varied expression of their sexuality doesn't mean it's the same as another persons). I also want to find someone like me who, this is what they want 100%. Not something they are willing to try out because it sounds fun. In my (admittedly limited) experience I am much happier with guys who have a history and experience with these dynamics. Also, I do have at least friends on kink sites and they would appear "normal"!

Is there a better way for me to go about this? Do you have any advice? I'm on bumble and tinder and just not meeting anyone I'm excited about. But the guys I do get excited about on BDSM sites drop me when I assert my boundaries (for the record, I don't need months of dating, but I would be happy with like 4 dates or so before I start really getting into it with someone). It took me many years to accept this part of myself along with my feminist side, and I've been looking specifically for this dynamic since 5 years ago when I first learned it was a real thing and not just my own "weird" needs that would never be met.

Were you maybe in my boat at one time? Did it work out for you?
Did you ever want to punch the next person in the face who said "I don't know why you're single but... I know so many amazing women just like you"?

Ps I hope I explained this well. I don't want to be super revealing about my interests but I also don't want to downplay what I'm looking for. Also I've worked overtime every day this week so I'm probably not at my best, brain-wise :/

7 years ago @ The Toast - Cocktail Hour: Open Th... · 4 replies · +4 points

Hi Toasties,
Once again I'm so late to OT. I've given up posting on OT recently because I never make it in time, but I want to at least try to get some advice before this place closes! (Sob)

I am hoping for some advice from this venn diagram of Toasties if you will:

Toasties who identify as kinky
Toasties who have positive dating stories

More in the reply just to keep things as PG13 as possible.