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I do well when my scars can harden and cocoon me into the silence I kept for so long.
But the damn thing is... I can't do that to my friends I have now. It would hurt them. I want a way out. One that doesn't involve hurt. Or at least hurt that can't stick.
And I'm only seeing one possibility.
How could she not tell me... how could *they* not tell me. What the fuck am I to her? She's like a sister to me, something I never thought I could say about another person, she decided to step in and control my life, saving it in essence, but that wasn't her decision to make. It's like... it's like the only reason she did is to keep me around. To use me even more before she left me in the dust. HELL, SHE ISN'T EVEN A SHE ANYMORE. YET HOW WAS I TO KNOW THAT?! Now I'm stuck here. Can't even find the will to end it anymore. I just don't care. Or maybe I care too much. Who knows? Heh. Hey Kyleigh, you know how your one of the first people I told of this big thing in my life back when I was really vulnerable and needed someone to listen? I'm gay, and things at home have turned... bad. It's just becoming too much. Well ah well. I guess you'll just find out I'm non-binary when you accidentally bring it up when we talk for the first time in months. Well yeah it's pretty major to me, but you didn't need to know that right?
Well... you know what that just tells me... that you don't need me anymore, you don't want to involve me in your life anymore. And yet here I am, clinging to the idea of some friendship I could just fucking keep. JUST ONCE. Just once I don't want to pull myself into someone else's life, have them 'fix' mine without me asking for the help, opening up wounds that should have fucking just stayed closed and then leaving when I need them cause they took everything they needed from me after all.
At least Emily was quick about it.
You know I love you to.
There was never any choice was there? Too innocent. Too adorable... too pure. I would have done anything to protect them. I still would.
I suppose the same could've been said about me at one time, but that was before. Before all of that happened. I guess it eases my self loathing a bit looking back on these pictures but it hurts all the same. Anna... I owe you so so much. Somehow you knew, you knew what was happening to me every night and you had the courage I didn't to tell someone. I was so afraid... so afraid that he'd keep his promise to do something to you as well I didn't say anything. I could t. But you did.
You saved me.
Haley... you were the youngest. You didn't deserve anything less than a clear innocent childhood. I remember... I remember the day I heard he got to you as well. That everything I did... was for nothing. That his evil still touched you, even as slightly as it did. And yet the person you grew up to be turned out to be wonderful, I couldn't be prouder.
And even throughout it all you still look at me the same as you did back then. No matter what happened in between.
I love you both. I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I'm sorry I was so naive to think I could protect you both.
Heh. Thats a good question.
I see Emily almost every night now. It hurts when I see her in my dreams, it hurts when I don't.
Why do you think I absolutely fall face first into shows with strong female sisterly bonds? Ever find it weird that characters who were outcasts, who have had hard lives who find family in their closest friends are my favorite characters?
I've been thinking so much lately. I never get out of my own head. I never open up. I haven't cried or had depression in so long, but it doesn't feel like I'm fixed.
It feels like I'm right back where I was 7 years ago. Before I met Emily. After what... happened to me. How broken I was. I'm exactly the same.
ONLY THIS TIME THERE IS NO ONE.
There's no one... no one in the world like Emily. How she... was able to instantly make me feel better with just a smile. Know how sad I was just by staring into my eyes. Teach me to love and trust again. To worry about myself. To realize I'm more than my past.
To be my sister.
And now what's worse is I've known that love.
And I've lost it. And I can't move on. I can't go forward. It's not in my programming. It's not in my basic instinct ever since my childhood was torn away from me! And I learned how to live isolated. How I began to feel happier when I didn't reach out. It's become worse.
I don't want to open up again. I don't even want friends anymore.
I want to go through life without love anymore...
After years... and years of being closed off. Teaching myself to keep it all in to heal the wounds left on a girl who was just to young to understand what even just happened to her,
In the 2-3 years I knew her and I loved her... she taught me differently.
And now it's become a constant battle between the damage I grew up with, and the 2 years of love I learned from my sister who left me.
I'm being torn in two.
Just like in high school. Only this time it was dream form.
God it felt like losing her all over again.
On the way to work today, with my heart breaking in 2 as it so usually does nowadays I remembered a detail about Emily that I nearly forgot.
I don't want to forget. It scared me to think it slipped away so now it's staying here. So it never does leave me.
It's really kinda silly actually, but she would always get a kick out of my weird snake noise I could make, heck, I would exaggerate my face and try my hardest to make it sound even sillier than it was cause it used to make her laugh so much. I don't remember when she first did it, but she always leaned into my ear to do it and make this most hilarious gopher laugh. It always cheered me up and she used to do it when I was feeling sad. And anyone who knows me here knows I never reach out when I'm sad... but somehow I could always manage to ask her to do that noise. And the best part is she would. Wouldn't even hesitate.
Honestly I don't know if this is my dreams messing with me, or if it actually happened but I seem to remember one of the days when we seemed to be strangers to each other, and I was waiting for my ride to come and pick me up after a very hard day and I was desperately wiping tears from my eyes...
She came next to me and waited with me.
And we laughed and joked and clicked, just as if we were never apart.
I think I remember asking her to do that noise right before I left...
But she no longer remembered how.
Anyways, enough ramble I suppose. I got work.
Very... lonely work.
Let's just hope I dont break down crying during my shift tonight. Cause I feel like I could do it right now...