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21 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 1 reply · +1 points

Thank you Mikey. This whole post is really all in the past anyways. Just a past that still haunts me everyday. But I'll be fine. *hugs tightly*

You know I love you to.

22 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 4 replies · +1 points

Looking back on these old photos...
There was never any choice was there? Too innocent. Too adorable... too pure. I would have done anything to protect them. I still would.

I suppose the same could've been said about me at one time, but that was before. Before all of that happened. I guess it eases my self loathing a bit looking back on these pictures but it hurts all the same. Anna... I owe you so so much. Somehow you knew, you knew what was happening to me every night and you had the courage I didn't to tell someone. I was so afraid... so afraid that he'd keep his promise to do something to you as well I didn't say anything. I could t. But you did.

You saved me.

Haley... you were the youngest. You didn't deserve anything less than a clear innocent childhood. I remember... I remember the day I heard he got to you as well. That everything I did... was for nothing. That his evil still touched you, even as slightly as it did. And yet the person you grew up to be turned out to be wonderful, I couldn't be prouder.

And even throughout it all you still look at me the same as you did back then. No matter what happened in between.

I love you both. I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I'm sorry I was so naive to think I could protect you both.

24 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 3 replies · +1 points

Why haven't i been sleeping well lately?

Heh. Thats a good question.
I see Emily almost every night now. It hurts when I see her in my dreams, it hurts when I don't.

...

Why do you think I absolutely fall face first into shows with strong female sisterly bonds? Ever find it weird that characters who were outcasts, who have had hard lives who find family in their closest friends are my favorite characters?

I've been thinking so much lately. I never get out of my own head. I never open up. I haven't cried or had depression in so long, but it doesn't feel like I'm fixed.

No.

It feels like I'm right back where I was 7 years ago. Before I met Emily. After what... happened to me. How broken I was. I'm exactly the same.

ONLY THIS TIME THERE IS NO ONE.
There's no one... no one in the world like Emily. How she... was able to instantly make me feel better with just a smile. Know how sad I was just by staring into my eyes. Teach me to love and trust again. To worry about myself. To realize I'm more than my past.

To be my sister.

And now what's worse is I've known that love.

And I've lost it. And I can't move on. I can't go forward. It's not in my programming. It's not in my basic instinct ever since my childhood was torn away from me! And I learned how to live isolated. How I began to feel happier when I didn't reach out. It's become worse.

I don't want to open up again. I don't even want friends anymore.

I want to go through life without love anymore...
And yet...

After years... and years of being closed off. Teaching myself to keep it all in to heal the wounds left on a girl who was just to young to understand what even just happened to her,

In the 2-3 years I knew her and I loved her... she taught me differently.

And now it's become a constant battle between the damage I grew up with, and the 2 years of love I learned from my sister who left me.

I'm being torn in two.

26 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 3 replies · +1 points

Yay for nightmares. You know what's worse is that it wasn't so much as a nightmare as instead what actually happened. It was about Emily, only instead of the usual we make up, it was just us... avoiding each other as time ran down on our time that we would see each other.

Just like in high school. Only this time it was dream form.

God it felt like losing her all over again.

28 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 2 replies · +1 points

Heh...
On the way to work today, with my heart breaking in 2 as it so usually does nowadays I remembered a detail about Emily that I nearly forgot.

And...
I don't want to forget. It scared me to think it slipped away so now it's staying here. So it never does leave me.

It's really kinda silly actually, but she would always get a kick out of my weird snake noise I could make, heck, I would exaggerate my face and try my hardest to make it sound even sillier than it was cause it used to make her laugh so much. I don't remember when she first did it, but she always leaned into my ear to do it and make this most hilarious gopher laugh. It always cheered me up and she used to do it when I was feeling sad. And anyone who knows me here knows I never reach out when I'm sad... but somehow I could always manage to ask her to do that noise. And the best part is she would. Wouldn't even hesitate.

Honestly I don't know if this is my dreams messing with me, or if it actually happened but I seem to remember one of the days when we seemed to be strangers to each other, and I was waiting for my ride to come and pick me up after a very hard day and I was desperately wiping tears from my eyes...

She came next to me and waited with me.
And we laughed and joked and clicked, just as if we were never apart.

I think I remember asking her to do that noise right before I left...
But she no longer remembered how.

Anyways, enough ramble I suppose. I got work.
Very... lonely work.

31 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 2 replies · +1 points

I haven't had a dream about Emily in a long time now. Now some would consider that a good thing, but God it makes me miss her evee more it seems. Even false hope has it's uses I guess.

Let's just hope I dont break down crying during my shift tonight. Cause I feel like I could do it right now...

31 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 0 replies · +2 points

Um... GOAT CHILD NOOOOOO.

31 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 2 replies · +1 points

Hahaha. No one in particular. Just a quote I thought up. I rather like it.

31 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 4 replies · +1 points

You. You're the reason I'm here. The reason I stuck around. You built up my confidence, got me to where I am, and helped make me who I am. You filled my head with the idea that I'm better than I thought. I went higher than I thought I could and knew you'd be proud of me...

Now you say I'm not enough. That I've gone too far. That I need to stop. You've stopped believing in me.

But it's too late.
You've created a monster.

And I dont plan on stopping anytime soon.

35 weeks ago @ Only Hooves - Pony of the Day #10 · 3 replies · +1 points

I dont get it.

I spend all this time, all this energy into rebuilding all that's been broken in me over 4 fucking years and then the world comes in once again and shatters it all down. There's no point in rebuilding is there? The hollowness... the emptiness. It hurts but it always comes back. There's no point to trying to feel better when every single time you do something worse comes along and leaves bigger gashes. Im right back to where I was 3 years ago...

I can't go through the same hell i did last time and come out alive. I could barely do it the first time.

I guess it's back to sleeping days away. Letting dreams and ambitions fall flat. Lessening people's expectations. Becoming a failure once more in everyones eyes. Hearing the whispers behind my back just echo through my emptiness hurts much less. Thinking about the future and how fucked everything is becomes alot easier when you stop caring, stop trying. Stop fighting the torment.