It has been made clear through numerous other letters as well as this one that not being able to eat the food you want, not watching the TV shows you like or even only having an hour a day to be outside are all things that one can get used to when forced into a routine for long enough. This is the first letter that makes it very clear that the emptiness created inside by not having the opportunity to love or be loved is something that one can never get used to. It's Friday afternoon right now and I will be attending a party this evening with hundreds of girls and this is something that many people take for granted. This man will never have the opportunity again in his life to have this experience. He has lost something irreplaceable and has all the time in the world to think about how it could have been different.
When I first learned that we were going to be reading letters from inmates sentenced to life I thought that they were going to be nothing more than depressing, incoherent rants about how they are innocent or why they shouldn’t be in the situation they are in. After reading only my first letter I quickly realized I was very ignorant and that this was not the case by any means as the letters showed incredible writing, enlightenment and most important, a sense of hope. This is the first letter that I have read that does not fit the mold with the rest of the letters in expressing a positive outlook with a sense of hope. This is a letter that describes heartache and sadness that this man experiences every day. He is looking at what he has lost in coming to prison instead of what he gained like the other letters. He understands that he must fill the void in his life through hobbies, conversation, thought, etc; however he cannot seem to find anything to assuage the anguish and pain he experiences everyday in not having the ability to love or be loved. Love is one thing that can never be replaced no matter how hard you try.
Men are more often depicted as caring only about sexual experiences and treating woman more or less like property, while woman are often shown to care only about money and sex as C stated in his letter. I hope one day that when I find the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with I can fit the mold of what was described in this letter. Caring about her needs, truly listening to what she has to say, protecting her when needed, being able to confide in her no matter what it is and fulfilling her sexual needs. After C depicted what a man should be he said that he had to go to prison to learn that and he was not a man on the outside. I find this very interesting that he needed to go to what most people would say as one of the worst places on the earth to learn how to truly be a great person to a woman. It reinforces my belief that the people we are reading these letters from are not the same people they were when they went to prison.
I am surprised week after week by the letters these inmates write and share with us and this week is no different. The fact that a man convicted for life with no parole can illustrate exactly what a man should be like to a woman is incredible. Judging from the various different responses on this letter by woman it is clear that his depiction was nothing less than perfect. Every aspect of how a man should treat a woman was covered and with sincerity and thoughtfulness. It is pretty clear that every woman desires a man to treat her this way, much like "prince charming" you hear in fairy tales. This letter depicted a man much more interested in being the best person he can be to his woman, fulfilling all of her needs in a loving and sincere manner while getting in her pants is not his only goal. I think that most people would agree that this picture that was painted is somewhat rare to see in this world especially with the influence of the media and television.
The first time I read a letter with that idea I understood only to a point. I could grasp the idea that you still have your thoughts, movements, speech, etc; however I could not understand how a man could feel more freedom in prison than in society. This letter helped clarify this idea. This is a man that apparently had been in prison since a very young age. It is not the prison that we think of with the bars, guards and men in orange jumpsuits, but a different kind of confinement. Drugs and an abusive childhood imprisoned this man for most of his life. It was only when he went to prison that he overcame both and became the person he truly wanted to be. He discovered more about himself in an 8 by 8 cubicle than he could on the outside through his painting and playing guitar. He took inspirational people that have done great things and applied that in his own life making it worthwhile. He closed his letter with a thought on suicide and how that is murder in itself. I think it is very clear that this man understands exactly what murder is and the devastating effects it has as he chose to live and remain true to the fact that he is not a murderer.
As I was reading this letter I could sense the frustration built up inside of this man for being accused of being a murder when in reality he has never killed someone. Now it is clear that this man was not innocent in any way as he put himself in a situation to merit a life sentence, however it is also clear that this is not an evil, malicious murder either. I can understand why he took the time to write this letter to explain to us and the public the difference between him and a murderer. Being in prison for life is bad enough, however being accused of taking another's life when you in fact did not is something entirely different. Is he a criminal for having been where he was and the part he played? Yes. Is he a murderer? It appears not. He then went on to discuss the concept of freedom in prison and how he never felt freer.
It tells nothing of his story or if he is remorseful in regards to what he did so in that aspect I cannot comment, however it is very clear that this man is looking at what he lost and is in no way attempting to make the best life he can for the situation he's in. Other letters we have read show inmates that have redefined freedom and their way of life in order to live. This man clearly has not and until he learns how to do so he will walk the hallways of prison everyday a soulless, emotionless body. He needs to look inward and find out how to live where he is and how to find something that gives him meaning. If not he is doomed to live how his letter describes a cold man with a frost bitten heart. He wonders why he feels so cold and although the obvious answer is where he is and what his life has come to, however I feel that another part of it is because he has done nothing to better his situation in the ways that he can.
This poem is something that illustrates the horrors of prison on a day to day basis, especially in the eyes of man sentenced to life without parole. This poem reveals what prison really is coming from someone who walks the yard every day, goes to sleep in an 8 by 8 cubicle and has nothing left to do but think about why he's there every day for the rest of his life. C makes it very clear that he has no life to live, but rather is merely a body going through the motions everyday with no emotion, feeling or anything to look forward to ever. He walks the hallways of prison with people in the exact same circumstances, as he said it with "cold souls". There is no warmth to be had, no joy to look forward to, but instead he is trapped in what he described as Hell itself. He wants nothing more than to actually live a life that offers happiness in any way, rather than a life that he describes as numbing him from all emotion and feeling. This is a letter that is quite different than others that I have read.
Had he done anything it’s very possible they would have killed him too, and although there is no way in the world to condone him not stopping this horrible murder, I think it’s fair to say that this was a terrified kid in the wrong place with the wrong group of people. After the fact is where I see how he was a coward in not telling the truth and instead following the ways of the other people he was with. M says he is not looking for pity, sympathy, and understanding or in any way trying to teach anyone anything. This may be something some people have a hard time grasping, but as I read this letter I believed him. I believe that he is a good person at heart and feels remorse for what he did that night. I believe that he wrote this letter to answer the question why and not to get sympathy from others. He understands where he is and why he is there and instead of hating everyone and everything he is taking steps to better himself so that maybe one day he can feel what its like to live a normal life.
It is not typical to read something of this quality or sincerity coming from a man convicted of murder and sentenced to life behind bars. This is something really spoke to me in what type of man M really is. It is very clear that M is not looking for sympathy in any way and understands that he has done something that caused him to be where he is, however wants to tell his story to "answer the many readers who asked, WHY". It’s clear that to even think back to that horrible night chills his bones let alone write about it and share it with the public. A young kid that fell in with the wrong group of people and got put in a terrible position that horrible night. Now M says it was him being a coward that night and that may very well be the case, but as I read this letter I could only think of what would be going through my mind as a fourteen year old kid that night. It’s obvious that he had no intention of doing good that night; however I’m not convinced that he was out to take another’s life. As a young boy I can understand the fear that overtook him.
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