I've been holding back tears while reading this whole thread, but this one broke me. Rain. On my face.

YES. I spent a good chunk of childhood wanting to be a "little old-fashioned girl", as I put it in my head. As it happened, I DID live in a rather beautiful part of the world (small New Zealand city surrounded by lots of rolling green hills and the sea), and I also happened to live across the street from a field (!) with sheep (!!) and two horses (!!!) in it. Yet all these tantalising touches just made the enduring existence of paved roads and buses and computers all the more enraging. I was so close to the old-fashioned life - yet so far away ... It led to a very strange melancholy that I remember clearly but haven't thought about in a while.

I "knew" that the Toast was closing down - as in, I understood in my head that starting from July 1 there would be no new content* - but deep down in my heart I refused to accept it. Now reading through these comments has made me realize that no, there really will be a giant Toast-shaped hole in my life, and the place where I used to go for great commentary and sensible, insightful analysis and jokes about two monks and the best comments on the internet - it won't be there anymore.

Anyway, the Toast. The first place on the internet where I never felt like I had to try to fit in, or say the right things, or explain what I meant, because everyone there was already a kindred spirit. Sometimes I would try to explain to my non-Toast friends why jokes about being 'too witches' or 'take to the sea' or How To Tell If You're In a ___ Novel were so funny, and they just didn't get it. What I'm saying is that finding the Toast was like finding out that all along - while I was feeling so weird, convinced that I had to put on a false persona to interact with the world because no one would get my jokes about the Hapsburgs or whatever - there were people out there who understood.

So even though the Toast is closing, just having that knowledge is a gift that can never be taken away. Also, I will really miss the Open Threads! I never commented on them much because Antipodean time zones meant that they were wrapped up by the time I was reading them with my Saturday morning coffee in hand, but I loved reading about everyone's lives, feeling like we were all just struggling on together. You all inspire me every day to be braver, sassier, more self-possessed, and generally more witches.

* also, I have deliberately not read much Toast content in the last month, so that I can save it all up and steadily drip-feed myself/stay in denial in the days and weeks following July 1.

I feel EXACTLY the same way. Without the Toast I'd feel a lot more weird, and a lot more isolated. Now I know that there are all these other people out there who share my sense of humor! All these other people who grew up as bookish kids re-reading Anne of Green Gables! All these other people who will laugh until they cry over jokes about monks and witches and YA literature retold as Wikipedia articles!

In my pre-Toast life I always thought I was the only one.

Same :( Seriously considering setting an alarm to catch the tote sale.

ME TOOOOO.

Wow, thanks so much - that's a really interesting perspective, and one I've been lucky enough to never have to consider before. I'm glad you found something in the piece. Thank you for your comment <3

Thank you for this.

Thank you so much, and I'm really sorry for your loss. My partner also never knew my mother and it is sometimes a real mindfuck. Your point about the 'self' not feeling continuous before and after your mom's death describes it perfectly.

"It is still the most important thing about understanding myself."

This. Yes. Definitely. Thank you for your comment!