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4 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Mid-week check-in · 7 replies · +6 points

Teengirl has been super struggling and recently tried to OD and I spend yesterday in the ER. Teenboy recently (even while still in the inpatient house) battled with an increase in suicidal thoughts as well. Teengirl probably should be in the hospital but bureaucracy prevented it. For the next few weeks I will have her as my shadow and try to focus on baking, etc to keep us both busy.
We have worked out a way that she won't fail this year in HS but it was iffy.

Teenboy has also recently told me that he is really Teengirl. In sillyness, I cannot decide to call her Teengirl 1 (because older of the two) or Teengirl 2, because most recent daughter.

Legal stuff is still hell and scary and makes me cry to think about.

Before next semester starts they want the original Teengirl to be in the hospital and/or in a youth home, also.

It is really hard to feel like a good mom when both of your kids are on suicide watch and will be/are living in psychiatric care facilities.

4 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Mid-week check-in · 8 replies · +5 points

I am taking advantage of you all to vent again...I have a bday coming up and I always forget that that means I go straight from finals week to "renew the driver's license/car registration/make all the appointments before the end of the year". Yuk.
Plus I've been struggling to justify spending the time to put up a yule tree and or bake or craft but it's really how I celebrate (the crafting and baking). more in comments, TW: suicide

8 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Mid-week check-in · 1 reply · +4 points

yay! you did it!

12 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Mid-week check-in · 0 replies · +1 points

Absolutely! Is anybody good at fishing?

12 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Mid-week check-in · 2 replies · +5 points

Today's wins: managed to bluff my way through the earth materials lecture, despite lack of sleep, extremely inquisitive students, and a funky contact that meant I really couldn't actually see the screen with my presentation on it.

MY METHODS PAPER IS PUBLISHED! chapter one of my dissertation down. 4 to go.

I am going to do goth yoga in a haunted mansion next week, for a domestic violence shelter fundraiser.

Teengirl is up and down--did I tell you guys she was hospitalized again? She is trying to get back to functional but I can tell she's as drained as I am.

Today I got home to find out my dad had had emergency heart surgery but my mom didn't tell any of us so we wouldn't worry. !!!!!! MOM!!!!! that is not how things work!

I am feeling pretty lonely, and spend a lot of time in the car repeating to myself, "being upright and breathing and interacting with humans is enough to do today"

Teenboy is facing a long walk in the metaphorical dark. Nothing I can do to fix it.

I'm glad I have the collective mankanaut shoulders to cry on. I am overwhelmed.

12 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Mid-week check-in · 2 replies · +3 points

By June the worst over here should be over, we should book a cabin in the woods on the French River and I'll bring a kayak and we can paddle in the silence and eat blueberries.

18 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Friday Open Thread · 3 replies · +5 points

We had massive storms last night and the power was out. Well, out, then back on, then out....all evening.
My patio is total destruction, but at least none of our trees caught fire from lightning. I no longer have any working patio umbrellas but they seem to be the worst casualty. Until you see my garden, where the saddest sunflowers ever are just drooped all over the place!

Teengirl needs mojo to go back to band class--is her own worst critic and needs motivation of the "get back on the horse" variety. Otherwise is doing ok considering.

Teenboy has been given stronger anti-anxiety meds which seem to help but this is definitely a marathon and not a sprint.

Did I mention how this drama is forcing me into frequent, intense interaction with my abusive ex? I am going to my counselor more frequently to keep from gaslighting myself with his lizard speak. He is still treating Teengirl like a possession and not a person. It has been a challenge navigating the crisis of Teenboy without allowing ex to walk all over Teengirl, and I have to be VERY picky about the battles I choose.

18 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Mid-week check-in · 5 replies · +9 points

I have an adunct offer for next semester, so at least I will have bare minimum money happening.

Tomorrow morning is going to be a really stressful day for Teenboy. And the rest of us. I wish I could talk about it more but can't--and this is probably the first thing I've ever felt like I couldn't share here. I feel bad for always asking for support and not elucidating. That said, can you keep us in your thoughts tomorrow? With maybe some extra brave thoughts for Teengirl thrown in there?

On the plus side, now I only have one offspring in a lockdown psych unit on suicide watch, instead of two.
Yeah, ugh, I'm upright and breathing. And haven't blown up at my ex. And I made it through my lecture today. Gah, undergrads are soooooooooo trying when they stare blankly at you.That's got to count as my good things for right now.

also, bought a new mattress. Want to burn scraps of the old one as it reminds me of the ex, etc. Anyone have a ritual to recommend or a website to point me to?

20 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Friday Open Thread · 5 replies · +5 points

Mostly bad news here, so I was very hesitant about posting--

but putting a positive spin on things:
The other shoe has dropped on the Teenboy issue and, while horrible and miserable and about the worst, it isn't *quite* as bad as it could be, and at least now that first step of waiting is over.

HS band director has been very protective in protecting Teenboy's GF(Teengirl's BFF) and Teengirl from harrassment/bullying/fallout. They are both incredibly brave young women.

Things are legal now and won't be resolved for ---maybe up to a year? Teenboy is still in a safe place and cared for 24/7.

I am managing to get to my class to teach, and it is good to have the distraction. The dissertation is about the furthest thing from my mind. Not great, but something's gotta give.

23 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Clothes maketh...well,... · 2 replies · +5 points

I have a pair of thigh-high striped black and white tights (with a graduated width stripe pattern) that I wore to my first NYU audition. They would probably disintegrate if anybody tried to wear them, but they will always have a place of honor in my drawer.

My mom had a mustard yellow suede a-line mini in the 60's, and it's gone through her, me, my sister, and now hangs in Teengirl's closet.