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6 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Friday Open Thread · 7 replies · +4 points

He passed this morning

7 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Friday Open Thread · 2 replies · +6 points

That reminds me of Vermeer!

7 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Friday Open Thread · 12 replies · +5 points

So I got a call that my dad is in critical condition in the ICU and about to go into his 3rd surgery for the week. If it gives you any perspective, this one is open heart surgery and it was the lowest priority of the ones he's had this week. If you have any extra healthy thoughts, please send them this way.

7 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Friday Open Thread · 16 replies · +11 points

UGH. Yep, I know its friday, because nothing I set out to do on Monday has been done yet...

Small silver lining: Apparently when you quarantine a teenager with social anxiety, things can improve a lot. Teengirl is doing very well when she can decide how much or how little she humans on any given day.

Things with Teenboy are put off again, until end of July.

TW: hospital stuff in comments

11 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Friday Open Thread · 3 replies · +6 points

Today was a really bad Teenboy day. He is safe, I am a mess.

13 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Mid-week check-in · 3 replies · +9 points

I alternate between productive days (Monday I got 6 hours of teaching prep done) and falling apart (yesterday a very anxious Teenboy poured his heart out to me for an hour. I had already been weepy. I basically just slept off and on the rest of the day.
I was getting into a schedule but we were stressed about all this finally coming to some resolution--now court is postponed indefinitely, and my kid with anxiety is living in a group home during a pandemic and trying his best not to freak out. I believe mentally he'd be safe enough to come home but I have no legal advice as to how to do that. This not knowing getting worse hit all of us hard.
I have managed to screw up at every zoom or zoom-type meeting so far, haven't had one work yet.
I get up, make it till about noon, and then just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. Part of me looks outside or at the tv and says I should do yoga or walk, but then I fall asleep. A good day is when I only take one nap.
Teengirl is also improving but we have to set her schedule for school next fall, and nobody has any idea what school will look like. And it just hit her that she is really going to be a senior so we are taking turns going to our rooms and pulling the covers over our head every few days.
Eldest is working, happy working but he's a delivery guy that stocks vending machines and handles cash. I'm trying not to think about it and I know he has lots of hand sanitizer.
I feel like I should be trying harder to be a positive model for the Teens but I'm fighting depression too--where is the line between acknowledging that moms are people too, and allowing our depression to be reinforced by social distancing? I've been trying to err on the side of "let the feelings flood and witness them" but I don't want to model despair, either.
I have no summer job, but tend to have a panic/asthma attack every time I sit down and look at the job ads online, so I haven't been getting very far on that front.
Teengirl and I tried sewing some masks--I really need to get rid of my 30 year old sewing machines. Have done a little baking and a little seed starting with Teenboy to give him something to focus on, but I'm not allowed to visit him with the stay at home order. Hooked up the xbox 360 all by myself and Teengirl and I have started playing Portal, so that's an accomplishment of sorts. I just don't know how much longer I can keep drawing from an empty well, in terms of resilience and motivation. Hence sleeping on a sunny 60 degree afternoon.

17 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Mid-week check-in · 2 replies · +4 points

Hi everyone.

I had a creative post typed up but fat fingered it and so here's the update: Teens both ok-ish. I had begun to climb out of my abuse-anxiety-trigger brain (it is very upsetting going through a forensic psych eval, btw), and this weird college/coronavirus stuff started. On one hand, staying home does solve the I need to do work laundry problem, and save me gas money. OTOH we are due to start in person classes back up....the week Teenboy's court case starts. Finals week.

Legal stuff is going about 90% as bad as it could. late April is the court date. it is going to come down to the wire because there seems to be issues with people ignoring facts and law and it is probably going to be a game of legal chicken. Court means testifying and tv and very much more money, which is a bitch since I don't even have a summer job lined up. I need to graduate, I need to get the hell out of this department, I need to get a job--I am so distracted I haven't even been able to figure out what hard drive I saved my CV to, much less update it and apply for jobs. Did do a bunch of tai chi the other day and it seemed to shift something in my body in a positive direction, so there is that. I took down the christmas tree. Help. send brain.

17 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Mid-week check-in · 0 replies · +3 points

duhhhhhhh THAT and the full moon are why my sleep's all messed up.

17 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Mid-week check-in · 0 replies · +3 points

Count my college in as one of the ones sending everyone home and expecting us to teach until mid-April online. I have the rest of this week off and by Monday I'm expected to have flipped my 101 level class to fully online. Yay, not. Also cancelled: all three conferences I was going to participate in (luckily the one I had already given up on and so didn't lose any money) , Teengirl's orchestra competition, most of the court cases for the next month, and the international film festival.

29 weeks ago @ Clever Manka - Mid-week check-in · 7 replies · +6 points

Teengirl has been super struggling and recently tried to OD and I spend yesterday in the ER. Teenboy recently (even while still in the inpatient house) battled with an increase in suicidal thoughts as well. Teengirl probably should be in the hospital but bureaucracy prevented it. For the next few weeks I will have her as my shadow and try to focus on baking, etc to keep us both busy.
We have worked out a way that she won't fail this year in HS but it was iffy.

Teenboy has also recently told me that he is really Teengirl. In sillyness, I cannot decide to call her Teengirl 1 (because older of the two) or Teengirl 2, because most recent daughter.

Legal stuff is still hell and scary and makes me cry to think about.

Before next semester starts they want the original Teengirl to be in the hospital and/or in a youth home, also.

It is really hard to feel like a good mom when both of your kids are on suicide watch and will be/are living in psychiatric care facilities.