I congratulate you for listening to the voice of health within yourself.
This story reminds me, way back, of the Eden story, where G-d said not to eat from the tree, but Eve was told not to touch it; once she was pushed against the tree, she saw nothing happened, and then it was all downhill. The problem was in not transalaing, with accuracy, the word of G-d.

Had the community told you it was a chumra, not a halacha, and not been coercive about it--which would be closer to the truth--it would be a different story.

Whenever we are told (especially women) something is THE law, when it's either a stringency or an individual opinion (with other opinions available) this is a repeat of the error of Eden. At least, that's my opinion.
And the emotional fallout-and even spiritual fallout--of such a distortion of truth--can range from light to dramatic. A person feeling forced to keep something, then discovering they didn't have to--can make them want to throw out more, due to a loss of trust.

Its great you're able to recognize the voice of health in yourself, and wish you much deserved healing & positive light.

I congratulate you for listening to the voice of health within yourself.
This story reminds me, way back, of the Eden story, where G-d said not to eat from the tree, but Eve was told not to touch it; once she was pushed against the tree, she saw nothing happened, and then it was all downhill. The problem was in not transalaing, with accuracy, the word of G-d.

Had the community told you it was a chumra, not a halacha, and not been coercive about it--which would be closer to the truth--it would be a different story.

Whenever we are told (especially women) something is THE law, when it's either a stringency or an individual opinion (with other opinions available) this is a repeat of the error of Eden. At least, that's my opinion.
And the emotional fallout-and even spiritual fallout--of such a distortion of truth--can range from light to dramatic. A person feeling forced to keep something, then discovering they didn't have to--can make them want to throw out more, due to a loss of trust.

I congratulate you for following the voice of health within yourself, and wish you much healing in the areas that you deserve it.

That piece of advice from the rabbi is really good. Are you comfortable quoting who it was?

Well crafted piece.
At Footsteps it sounds like you're healing you relationship to self, the Divine, and trust in general. After putting your own voice aside for years subjugating it to a system, a rebbe, a higher authority, you can lose touch with your own voice...any authentic relationship requires a 'you' for a healthy dynamic. Eg. it says prayer is an avoda of the heart. How can you do that if you don't know where your heart is?

Regarding Modern Orthodoxy and the title. I have informally interviewed many people who've left right wing communities--haredi, hassidic, etc and most often they never drift to MO.
Extra Tip:Those who came from Modern Orthdoxoy, became haredi, and then left, went back to Modern Orthodoxy. Those who came from a non orthodox life, and became haredi, and then left, went back to non orthodox. Most of them never say 'this isn't working for me. Let me try MO..'
My theory is this. If you're on the 23rd floor of a building, and the floor drops out from under your feet, you will fall to the 22nd floor.
If your floor was at the equivalent of the 23rd story but underneath it was a giant ballroom 23 stories high, and the floor drops, you will fall to the next available thing to catch you, which in this case, might be the lobby.

When people embrace, marry, give their life over to a system--and then it's not working for them--often there is this loss of trust element. The emotional fallout that accompanies the loss of trust, which is usually profound (and the reason people don't enact the baby-bathwater thing--because they don't take emo fallout into consideration--it's not an intellectual decision exclusively or a mathematical equation...it's accompanied by a distaste that spawns chucking some bathwater) does not motivate them to say Hm...let's find a new system. The options that exist in their hearts are different than the options that exist in the mind. They will most often fall to the next most familiar place, emotionally, when the floor drops out of the place they stood.

For those who came from MO, they know if extreme right wing systems don't work, there is a less charged lifestyle where they came from. They go back to that. Haredi people don't have existential experience with MO, so it's not an option. (Jane's comment about MO above is nice, it sounds like contextually she is not coming from the right wing Jewish world, so the experience is diff)
They were taught, in the haredi/hasidic system: It's my way or the highway. Modern Orthodoxy is just not real coming from their original context. So when the floor drops out from under them, the place they most often fall to is the next thing they know via exposure through film, media, and just the environment around them--the secular world.

Had they been taught in the haredi system that If you can't do it all, do as much as you can, look at the Modern Orthodox--they're still doing a good lot of it--perhaps upon exodus, the expats would say Hmm...let me go to MO. But to the system leaders of Haredi/Hasidism, MO is not a real option. They will talk about what MO's Don't do, rather than what they actually Do, by way of Judaism. So to the person leaving hasidism, there is no 22nd floor called Modern Orthodoxy to catch them. If they fall out of Hasidism, they hit the street where secularism is.

I have seen this with a wide variety of people. Some of it has to do with returning to what's familiar to you, or going to what you know. And some of it has to do with education, the way people from the communities the author described have been taught about other affiliations to Judaism. All their teachers will not acknowledge any other type of practice in Judaism as valid.

The message most often communicated is, if it's not this way, it's not valid. So when the student departs from that lifestyle, they take that subliminal message seriously and say, if it's not Haredi, why bother? They are, just doing what the community said: It's either my way or the highway. These students, like the author writes about, chose the highway, now exploring their own inner boundaries and relationship to their tradition in a way that provides them with connection to their inner voice. It's a motion toward healthy...can you really be truly holy without being truly healthy?

Anyway. Rav Kuk says Aetheism comes to cleanse a person or a generation from the wrong way of relating to G-d. Good luck on your journey