I don't find so shocking Nora is putting her own needs above all the various roles she has been playing. She says, in fact, that she has been playing at being a mother to the children just as she has been playing at being a wife. (And Torvald, for that matter, has been playing at being a husband and strong provider.) Why is this so terrible? No one is appalled that Torvald puts his needs first.

Anyway, I think Ibsen is making a dramatic point here about a woman asserting herself. When I saw the play acted, the action sweeps you along as Nora turns on her situation and there is no time to reflect about the children.

Speaking of the nanny -- Nora scrimps and improvises and works in secret to pay back the money she borrowed, yet they can afford full-time servants.