I am a birth mom of a bi-racial child (I'm white). Both I, and his parents were asked multiple times when he was first born if we were sure if he was bi-racial, and I was asked if I was sure the his bio-dad was actually his bio-dad. What I realized was that white people really didn't know how pale bi-racial and black babies can be when they are born.

His parents were also basically yelled at by someone when my (fully slathered with sun screen) son was in the park one summer because they thought his parents were letting him tan since he was darker than all the other babies around him. Um yeah, that may just be because he's half black...

As a woman who placed a son just over a year ago at the age of 29 this post mirrors a lot of what I have felt in the last year. I never knew how many stereotypes of a birth mother I had until I became one and realized how many women out there like me didn't fit into any of the stereotypes. I think the stereotypes only end when people have experiences with birth mothers, yet talking about the experience with people can be such a challenge because you never know what judgements someone will have.

Thank you for sharing your story, when people put their story out there it makes a person like me feel a little less alone.

The closest description I have heard for first and adoptive families in open adoption is that it's sort of like your in-laws. Some people just don't get along with their in-laws, but you sort of have to have a civil relationship with your in-laws even if you don't like them much - otherwise you're just hurting the person you all love. Even if you have nothing else in common with Pie's firstparents, you all love Pie, so hopefully you can use that as a foundation to make a relationship work with them. You don't have to love them, you don't even have to like them, I personally think you just need to love Pie, and let them love Pie. Hopefully the rest will work itself out.

I choose to be anonymous because I didn't want anyone who didn't know I was a birth mother to find out by googling my name. I will say even with anonymity that I am still careful about not writing in the moment, not venting something I might not mean later. I may not have my name out there but I don't think that excuses me from just saying things that I don't want to have to back up later.

What I will say as a birth parent is I have no expectations of my child's life being perfect, and although I have opinions about decisions that my son's parents make (which I think is natural since I do have a stake in his life), I do not have judgements. I know they are doing what they believe is in his best interest and that is all I can ask. What I'm trying to say is being honest with Pie's birth parents about the imperfections of life might not make them less confident in their decision to place with you, but more, they will see you handle problems with grace, and that no matter what is thrown at you, you love this little girl fiercely. Just thought I'd throw that opinion out there.

See now I have to apologize. I completely didn't think anyone was implying that, in fact I have agreed whole heartedly with your post, and I agree that most birth mothers want their children to have something we can't provide, but it's not love, in my case and every other birthmom I've met, the thing missing is never love. I'm not saying anyone meant that, just wanted to reiterate it since the actual words weren't that clear.

It's funny, as much as I agree with you on the overall idea (I definitely was lacking in stability to raise my child) I got hung up when you said that I could have loved my child. It's not that I could have, it's that I DO, everyday.

It's because I loved him, and how much I loved him, that I was able to do the most heartbreaking thing and let someone else parent him. He deserved more than I could manage at the time he was born. But loving him enough was never the problem.

On my last visit J's parents showed me a book they had gotten on adoption, I think they were excited that they had received one, and as I read it to J I realized how absent the idea that the adoptive child came from anyplace. It was all about how " you needed a family and we gave you one, you needed a home and we gave you one". It was hard for me to read because I had to wonder how J reading this book growing up might fit me into that story since it left me out so completely. Anyways, thanks for trying (even if you can't) to find a story that represents your daughter's full story. As a birth parent I appreciate it and hope your demand for such books actually brings them into fruition.