en-us https://www.intensedebate.com/users/3084283 Comments by LetsLove http://www.singleblackmale.org/2013/06/27/the-godfather/#IDComment669345546 Good post! On Sonny putting what HE determines to be your best interest before his own. Sigh. This is just so....frustratingly problematic. It's hard dating this guy. Maybe because I'm not the ideal girl for this type... I hate that such conflicting characteristics can coexist in one man - but I get it. I tend to be attracted to family oriented, take-charge but often emotional men, however, I need full disclosure. I will "look the other way" but tell me WHY I should first! I'm more than willing to go to my happy place while you spaz.... but this requires an incredible amount of authentic communication and trust in our relationship that at the end of your man period or whatever.. things will be ok. I don't like when guys expect you to do this out of the gate; its earned. Thu, 27 Jun 2013 18:06:02 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2013/06/27/the-godfather/#IDComment669345546 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/06/25/men-are-not-perfect-vol-1-are-men-less-moral-than-women/#IDComment389129111 Lol!! Right?! He's all... "girl stop all that thinkin' n sh*t! Puttin sh*t together!" Ninja please. "And this includes Mama!! " Oh yes!! Very good point, Star! Mon, 25 Jun 2012 15:42:43 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/06/25/men-are-not-perfect-vol-1-are-men-less-moral-than-women/#IDComment389129111 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/06/25/men-are-not-perfect-vol-1-are-men-less-moral-than-women/#IDComment389077641 This was a helpful response. Understanding that it is uncomfortable and unnatural (as well as the conflict of when to express and how much) helps me get over feeling like men are just unwilling. Thanks. Mon, 25 Jun 2012 14:35:00 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/06/25/men-are-not-perfect-vol-1-are-men-less-moral-than-women/#IDComment389077641 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/06/25/to-be-young-black-and-inspired/#IDComment389071753 So well written. :) Before I quit my job to go back to school and do what I love - it was basically my job to speak to senior level executives who were transitioning out of the corporate world into entrepreneurship. They were making the decision your friend recently made - but 15+ years down the line.. so kudos to your friend! The time really is now! Ultimately... I think it comes down to how dissatisfied you are. Your talented friend is not unhappy enough, in my opinion, to deal with the often overwhelming fear of taking those first steps toward change. Maybe he is afraid he wont measure up to what is expected of him? Maybe he is afraid to have to do what he is talented in 'on demand'..? Whatever the case his fear of what is on the other side must be greater than his current dissatisfaction. That was not the case for your Wall Street friend. Some people are really okay with average. Some people really aren't and dare to step out on their wildest dreams. Whatever the case - I think the difference is always in our level of comfort with our current situation, and our belief in what life could be like if we suffered through those fearful first step towards our dreams. Mon, 25 Jun 2012 14:27:23 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/06/25/to-be-young-black-and-inspired/#IDComment389071753 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/06/25/men-are-not-perfect-vol-1-are-men-less-moral-than-women/#IDComment389057455 I really like this post. Ladies, can you handle only knowing the answer to your question without the justification/reasoning behind his actions? - For that particular example I do not need to know a reason as to why you cannot be with me if you know nothing you say is going to change the intensity of your emotions or the ultimate outcome of us breaking up. It may be wise for you to give me a justification because you may be basing your opinion of me on some temporary behavior that I have taken on for a reason that you and I could possibly communicate about and overcome - but I mean if you're ready to check up the deuces already... go. Also some of us do certain things just because we can and if you were to tell us to STOP... we just might do that, and a whole lot of other things you tell us to do too... ;) But there are other times when I will ask follow up questions and it is not an interrogation or a means to an end. I like to talk! I want to understand and support you. I hate the "you over analyze" comment. It often makes me feel like really? Sorry I care about your a$$. On a side note tho.. sometimes I think this is a MAJOR cop-out. Am I over-analyzing or are you just annoyed that I actually listen to what you say and can sometimes catch an inconsistency? What changes do you think men should make independent of women and what actions of women do you think hinder some of these desired changes in men? - I think men should take more responsibility in general by understanding their actions and the impact of their actions. Also a lot of times I think men tend to act out a little bit or get mad when they don't know what to do, how to respond or how to fix the situation. Maybe we don't want you to do any of the above - just listen and be there and don't just dismiss the situation. Or perhaps you should just say that you don't know what to do/say. And If we are being irrational or over emotional as we tend to do about once a month at minimum... just empathize sometimes jeez. Even when we don't make sense our emotions are real. I think women hinder men by tolerating what should otherwise be unacceptable behavior - especially after having made him aware that you think the behavior is unacceptable. Mon, 25 Jun 2012 14:08:00 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/06/25/men-are-not-perfect-vol-1-are-men-less-moral-than-women/#IDComment389057455 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/06/15/ten-acts-of-desperation-women-perform-to-keep-mr-right/#IDComment381832474 "In fact, many of them are great women who do not see failure as an option. The best thing for them to do is to reevaluate their definition of failure. " This is an excellent point that is not touched on nearly enough. Desperate women are always portrayed as obnoxiously foolish, emotionally retarded and just messy - all of which may further the denial (for other women) who aren't any of those things, however they are, indeed, desperate. Also, the men they are desperate for are usually classic cases of awful like the no job having great pipe layer, or the super successful married and cheating man, etc. That is simply not always the case. Good post. Fri, 15 Jun 2012 20:00:21 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/06/15/ten-acts-of-desperation-women-perform-to-keep-mr-right/#IDComment381832474 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/06/04/separation-of-church-and-state-islam/#IDComment373812520 Great post & comments above. Religion and tolerance often bring up contradictory thoughts... on one hand perhaps the very nature of religion requires a lack of tolerance since tolerance might be construed as weak faith. Maybe both types are needed in the body, to serve different purposes. I believe it is, in most cases, actually stronger in faith to trust God to deal with whatever is opposing his ways that you have no control over yourself. Other more radical believers might deem that as dead faith - faith without works. *Shrug* Guess you have to know your role. As for Americas role in Egypts affairs.. I am not sure I understand what is truly at stake. I mean, I understand the need for intervention when the worlds order is threatened... resources are involved... etc. I guess I don't know enough to be able to understand why this is an International issue...? Mon, 4 Jun 2012 14:42:23 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/06/04/separation-of-church-and-state-islam/#IDComment373812520 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364645862 Well I am in Atlanta... opportunity exists - I am not sure if I would define it as abundant. That is just from my perspective tho - I don't get out all THAT much to really know I guess. Mon, 21 May 2012 22:42:33 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364645862 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364619568 " I just took it as her painting a picture." That really was all. Sometimes we need someone to challenge us on reasons why we place a certain value on attributes so... I guess I get it. I'm always down for the challenge because I accept the fact that I can definitely be wrong or off track, etc.. In this case, however, I really just tossed it in there - I assumed women could possibly understand my weakness and misconception of "perfect" despite my better judgement. Honestly I'm embarrassed to have dealt with such an a$$ - I thought I was smarter than that myself! Mon, 21 May 2012 21:42:32 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364619568 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364597441 I thought you were being playful with your question, so I answered likewise. My mistake. I said it wasn't a requirement - it was just one of the things about him that, to me, made him seem perfect. Like most initial descriptions of "perfect" it's just a wish list. His height was a nice cherry on top. "Is he 6'4"?" is not a question I ask myself as a way to determine if I will date someone- obviously. I didn't mention what men do as a way to educate you, or deflect. I had no reason, I offered an equivalent I naturally assumed you would understand. Sometimes with the initial "perfection" definition there is no real reason behind why we want what we want - we just want it. Be it "horrible" or not, that's just what it is. I am only human. We can only hope to mature to the point where we let real needs dictate our behavior. Mon, 21 May 2012 20:56:25 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364597441 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364551284 Interesting strategy. I guess to employ this you have to believe that "slightly below your market value" does not imply that you are settling... I guess it depends on how we determine our market value. Mon, 21 May 2012 19:24:13 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364551284 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364547824 "Here in DC/MD, (not sure about VA) for whatever reason many people men and women are more into an fwb situation. It seems like people are about sex and companionship, as opposed to a real relationship that requires serious time, attention, and responsibility, and accountability. " Could it be the abundance of opportunity - if that exists there? Supply/Demand Mon, 21 May 2012 19:17:26 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364547824 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364543868 "consistently gives it to me unselfishly"... sigh. that is the key. Mon, 21 May 2012 19:09:48 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364543868 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364542545 Lol aww. Well it no longer is. But I think it's the equivalent of a phat a$$ for some men. Certainly not a must... but I like that tho.. ;) Mon, 21 May 2012 19:07:17 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364542545 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364395477 Thanks girl!! :) It is not easy. Mon, 21 May 2012 14:00:35 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364395477 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364334106 I definitely agree with this post. I thought I found the perfect guy: Educated, funny, relationship w/ God, chivalrous, chocolate & sexy, 6'4, from the hood (but you couldn't tell), with the ability to take control. Problem was - he was well aware of his "perfection". As a result, since I was his idea of perfect, he felt he deserved me and operated out of this sense of entitlement - never willing to prove himself to me or work for it. So even though I was allegedly perfect to him, he didn't treat me that way or make me feel as if he felt lucky to be with me. It ended at saying I was perfect for him. He was above such behavior. Apparently how some pretty girls are above head(?) O_o. It was like... "Of course you're with me. Who else would you be with? You will take whatever I dish out because I am as good as it gets. And I could be with anyone.. so be glad you are here." He never "sweats" women so I was supposed to be glad he called me as much as he did (or even at all) - and other utter bullsh*t like that. So now my idea of perfect has drastically changed. Hard for me to define it really.. but the emphasis is on how he makes me feel, and how I make him feel. I want us both to feel truly blessed to have found the other. Mon, 21 May 2012 11:39:56 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/21/the-perfect-woman-an-argument-for-commitment/#IDComment364334106 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/11/why-success-and-true-love-always-seem-to-misalign-the-story-of-kanye-alexis-drake-and-alisha/#IDComment358486722 "I've been somewhat successful in love but nothing else." Sigh. THAT! I've heard some type of saying like love and ambition cannot coexist because they require the same depleting amount of energy and focus.. so one must suffer in order for the other to grow. I do not want to believe that... but it seems to regularly be proven true. kind of like how you literally cannot text and drive. you might be good at switching back and forth quick enough but when you are doing one, you are NOT really doing the other. I agree with this... "The truth is, I don’t have an answer for that today, and I may never have an answer until the day I have to decide. I’m just trusting that the decision I make is the best one for me." but what if that "day" has passed? what if the misalignment is not an unlucky circumstance but an unfortunate outcome of the decision to be ambitious above all else (i.e. choose success)? part of me believes love never fails and if i were to have been blessed to come upon it then i wouldnt have lost it.. at least not forever. but another part of me feels like i have to do my part and it is possible to miss out on blessings. if you wan to be preoccupied with something else, God can find someone else to do what needs to be done. i dunno... good post. Fri, 11 May 2012 14:01:29 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/05/11/why-success-and-true-love-always-seem-to-misalign-the-story-of-kanye-alexis-drake-and-alisha/#IDComment358486722 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/04/09/single-black-mail-where-do-men-meet-quality-women/#IDComment335658513 Hahaha! I think I share the same sentiment as chunk here. I mean I go out to go dancing with my friends... I never have any intention of speaking to any guy I meet at a club outside of a club but... I mean it could it happen. I think its all about the approach. The bottom line is: anyone, anywhere may just say the right thing, look at you the right way and exchange the right energy with you. You have to be open to both giving and receiving it. Two people sharing a certain space or engaging in a certain activity are not guaranteed, in my opinion, to have more in common than two random people who happen to be walking down the same street. Because most external properties are not true deal breakers anyway.. at least not to me. Some are - certain religions, habits (i.e. smoking), etc. can be seen ... but u know what I mean. I think the best advice I ever received... and I am not sure if this is only true for women - maybe men are supposed to be more aggressive - ... was to live a full life. As a single person, going through life.. be less concerned about finding someone and more concerned about finding yourself. Like... if you spend time trying to find things your interested in, practicing new hobbies, and just living a complete, interesting life that someone else could join (and hopefully add to) you'll be in a better position than you would be living some half a$$ed life constantly searching for someone to fill in the empty space and time. Sometimes nothing is more loud and distracting than silence. It's always when I am NOT looking and I am perfectly content with where I am that someone comes along and knocks me off-center. Happiness (again, maybe just for women..?) seems to be the most attracting trait I ever give off. Sexiness gets me stared at. Stared down, really. Not approached. But when I am just happy, comfortable and enjoying whatever it is I am doing, even if it is buying lip balm at CVS in my sweatpants, I almost always get some kind of something.... even if it is just a smile and not a disgusting stare. I think it works for men when, like spradley said, you don't have ulterior motives. I would imagine you are emitting that same kind of attractive vibe. Tue, 10 Apr 2012 01:22:47 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/04/09/single-black-mail-where-do-men-meet-quality-women/#IDComment335658513 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/02/08/lessons-in-love-the-one-thing-she-really-wanted/#IDComment286925661 To continue on Naija's comment regarding the "lack of communication" comments - it is FAR more easily said than done to firmly tell someone you love that their time and effort in making you happy is not cutting it. I just got out of a long distance relationship where every time we met up it was grandiose. Because we saw each other on such rare occasions - he had the tendency to go big - when really all I wanted was to not have some ridiculous honeymoon every time but a normal calm evening - regular stuff... grocery shopping... renting movies... etc. Ultimately what ended it for us was everything was his way all the time. Somehow even in his generosity he was still entirely too self absorbed. In my opinion, in the story above and in my own story, he wasn't ever really thinking of her and how to make her happy but how HE could look like the best boyfriend ever. I know all of us want good stories to tell - but sometimes people live a little too conscious of that. The mere idea of her in his life was enough to keep her along for the ride of his story because she fit the role. But the story was not theirs, just his. It reminds me of a post WIM did, on this site or his own - I cant remember, referencing being selfish and questioning how far engrained his selfishness is. For men like the one in the story, I cannot say it's TOO far engrained - but it is most certainly on the verge of becoming that way if it isn't already so. Wed, 8 Feb 2012 09:43:13 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/02/08/lessons-in-love-the-one-thing-she-really-wanted/#IDComment286925661 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/11/17/7-questions-men-ask-women-without-asking-women/#IDComment223557295 Are you a man's man? I am not in to metro men. Take care of yourself, be into fashion (though if this is over done, i.e. you take longer than me to get ready.... you will get a side eye) but draw the line somewhere. Also just man up in general. Let's each play our part. We can redefine a few things to fit our needs - but only a few. Can you hang? I have family in the projects and in penthouses. Don't get us killed and don't embarrass me - in either place. Thu, 17 Nov 2011 21:24:58 +0000 http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/11/17/7-questions-men-ask-women-without-asking-women/#IDComment223557295