..... You have to develop a mentality that allows you to not move despite the illogical. "I feel this way however I KNOW that ____" create a way so you can not do those things that are dangerous for you to do. With me I have to get out of the house. I will go to school classes and feel anxious the whole time, but not be able to act on compulsion because I am "stuck there" essentially. One time I went on a week long trip with my school knowing I wouldn't be able to do the things I wanted to, but had no choice once I was on the bus and then 8 hours away. I'm not saying an entire upheaval, as that can be too much to bear and cause you to go and 'binge" on running so to speak and cause more damage. The way I see your running right now is much like when you describe a binge. Something you feel out of control and helpless during. At this current moment in time you need to figure out a way to stop your self from binging on RUNNING as much as you do from stopping youself from binge eating....sorry for all this rambling. Just want to help..
As I read your blog I am not always quite sure what to say, and wondering how to abate your fears. Your extremely intense fears. Your extremely intense and IRRATIONAL fear. I don't say this to be rude (I tend to feel I come off that way, but I just say things..matter of factly/ as I see them with no intention of hurt). When you have these feelings, I think it is best that YOU yourself rationalize them. You say "I think I am the only blogger in the world who didn't run today" for instance. Logically you know that a lot of blogs out there are not like the ones YOU read and a million other people in the world didn't run that day. I think it would be easiest if you were to put these fears in a list like for and then answer each one with the reality of things. As hard as it may be. You may not "want" to accept it at first because of the anxiety and emotion may be high,when the irrational thoughts come, so usually doing so in a less high emotional time is easier so when one of those times hits you can latch onto the reality of things easier.....
I know you know it wasn't the best idea to run under these conditions with your injuries, so that's all I have to say on that. Secondly- I am jealous of your times especially being injured as you are! My times have been increasingly sucky for some reason..eh, it'll get back up there in time I figure..and effort.. Third- that's not a bulge of fat! It's from the muscle underneath!
Also, I'm shorter than you XP
Hope you're taking care of those injuries as best you can, icing hopefully..resting as much as is tolerable, more able to be at peace with food. I hope all the best for you 8)
I know you have digestive issues, so all the orange/ vitamin a rich foods don't give you any problems? I used to eat papaya, carrots and sweet potato every single day; too much vitamin a can cause digestive issues and that was the case with me. Now I basically just eat carrots every day, cut out the papaya and eat white potatoes. Much better. lol.
I think times like this are when we really truly have to take a good hard look at who we are and what we do (and why). I mirror quite a few of the things you have talked about. For instance, now that you're injured you eat more "crap". When that happened to me, and I wanted to eat crap all I thought was "SHIT! I don't deserve this stuff now, because I can't run! If I was running it might be managable, but now? But if I ate this crap when I'm able to run, I won't want it...or just be distracted so I won't." see what I'm getting at? As for the cat, or with any persons death that may be close, I'd think to myself; I should probably make the most of my life and do my best, otherwise it's an insult to them right? Your cat ate meat, I'm sure. Or in the least fish..streotypically, cats love milk, etcetera..they're not vegan. Hell, my friends cat loved me and his way of showing it was going out and bringing me a dead bird! O_O Yeah, I didn't love him for that, but I loved the thought..ha.
I rarely comment on any blogs as I feel my words aren't worth much, or are simply reiterations..but, FYI; I was out the other day and saw a sugar free/ no sweetener added, chocolate Spirutein...and yes, injuries suck, but even more so does the mental angusih for those who are exercise/ running dependant. Hope your injuries heal, and that you are able to allow them to as well. I was injured a few months ago (and still have lingering pain) and found it to be mentally..challenging to say the least. I do think though that after I did realize that I wouldn't explode or become psychotic (from not being able to handle it mentally), it became a bit easier and I just reminded myself which each day off I was that much closer to running again. Basically living for the next day and nex day until I could hobble out a run, but then keeping in check as to how much would cause it to get worse and not going past that limit. Eh, I'm rambling...but I just want to express that I can relate I guess..I'm hoping you feel (relatively) better!