this is exactly why I love the Abbott girls. Being between any of you while you are having a conversation is like licking a psychedelic toad without the actual toad licking part.

In the immortal words of Lyle Lovett-
No it never complains
And it never cries
And it looks so good
And it fits just right

But if it's her you want
I don't care about that
You can have my girl
But don't touch my hat

she meant what all women mean when they hand a man a pillow- "Here, go sleep somewhere else."

I wish one of you Taylor's Islanders would hurry up and breed a girl baby for my son. He needs a woman who looks awesome in Mossy Oak.

I know you've had some rough times, and I am truly happy for you that you're in a good place right now, but I wish you would be brave enough to admit it...it's all about me. Having me as a friend is wonderful, and I'm glad to take credit for everything good that happened to you, as well as all good things that happened to everyone you know. My spectacularness is an inspiration to all and you need to accept that I am the light of your life.

You should see how pissed off Kota gets when I try to make her say that I'm the wind beneath her wings. Hilarious.

All kidding aside, good things should happen to good people, and it's about time they started happening to you. Your son still can't date my daughter. xo

Or you could invite a friend over who just happens to be a grumpy old bastard who would be happy to wander over, knock on the door, and say "Hey stickfuck. How 'bout you keep it quiet as a church fart at nighttime so I don't have to come back here and rain old man I don't give a fuck nastiness down on your head. Are we clear?"

One thing I've learned in my centuries of life is that if you have something nice to say about someone, say it to them. Last week Steph was gone for the week, and I made my debut as a temporary single parent. I learned a number of lessons. Lesson one- from the minute I walk in the door till the minute my little girl closes her eyes at night is Hannah time. Not a little here and a little there...the entire time. I learned how short my temper actually is when I'm tired and arguing with a three year old, and I learned to stop myself when I started to argue with a crying child. One other valuable lesson I learned was that you are as strong as a freaking ox. Single parenting for a week, with my parents helping was hard as hell. You do it all the time. Every day. I can't even begin to tell you how much in awe I am of your ability to do what you do. You're right, you do belong back here with the family, but only because it's the best thing for you and W, NOT because you can't make it without them. You can, and it amazes me. Hold your head up high. You do some pretty impressive stuff every single day. You should know that we will do whatever we can to help. Just ask.

If it helps, my daughter slept in our bed last night and hammer kicked me in the side of the head. Twice. I ended up sleeping on the sofa with the dog to avoid permanent brain damage. Just because they're tiny doesn't mean they don't pack a wallop.

Ok, I'm out of the loop. You are family. Is someone giving my family undeserved shit? I will seriously end someones career if that's the case.

Here's how I judge parents-
1. Do you love your child?
2. Do you act like you love your child?
3. Do you try to keep your child from harm?

If you answered yes, the rest is your own business. If you answered no you are a shitty person to have a child and even tho I don't know you, I don't like you. Simple as that. If you have suggestions as to how I should parent, please write them down, fold them neatly into a pointy origami star shape and ram them up your ass. W is a lucky little man, although he still can't be near my daughter.

My favorite part was where you said "Jesus I feel like I'm 50" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's funny as shi...wait a minute, I'm 51. What the F is wrong with 50?

Make a crack like that again and I'm sending you pictures of my 51 year old feet. I may even hold some peanut butter eggs between my monkey toes just to ruin them for you for life. 50 my ass......