en-us https://www.intensedebate.com/users/822925 Comments by Lori http://www.onethankfulmom.com/the-daily/gathering/#IDComment983115261 These verses have comforted me many times as I despaired of, as you said, "holding onto God". He does ALL the holding!! Praise the Lord! My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one.” John 10:27-30 Mon, 6 Jul 2015 22:37:42 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/the-daily/gathering/#IDComment983115261 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/adoption/tuesday-topic-how-do-we-help-our-kids-love-the-skin-theyre-in/#IDComment820815514 Our adopted children are Asian (India) and so their skin is varying shades of brown, but definitely darker than us. I have talked about us all descending from Adam and that under our skin we are the same. I praise their beautiful skin and dark hair - and it really is beautiful! However, I have never felt like those things convinced them. Even in India my girls heard comments about the depth of color of their brown skin and were called names because they were darker than someone else. Can you believe that? I was so surprised about that. Even in a country where everyone has brown skin they are comparing and calling out the lightest skin among them as being the most desirable and beautiful. Crazy! I think taking the focus off of the difference and celebrating their heritage and what makes them special is a great way to give them a good feeling about who they are. I love that America is a melting pot of all kinds of ethnicities and all are unique and good. Even with all that we have done and talked about regarding skin color my youngest daughter still finds it uncomfortable in public situations when she feels she is being stared at because she is different. I think they stare because she is strikingly beautiful, but that doesn't change how it makes her feel. I go back to the best way we can help them is for them to embrace and celebrate who they are and see themselves as a special child of God. Tue, 22 Apr 2014 22:42:00 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/adoption/tuesday-topic-how-do-we-help-our-kids-love-the-skin-theyre-in/#IDComment820815514 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/adoption/tuesday-topic-buying-a-house-before-adopting/#IDComment818023584 We were in a rental during the waiting period of our first adoption (sibling girls). The reason we were renting is because we had sold our house (for personal reasons, not related to adoption) and were waiting for our new house to be completed. We had no idea at what point the girls would come to us in the process. We talked it all over with our social worker and agency. They were very encouraging and helpful and it was not a big deal although we did have to do an update for our home study. It turned out that we were moved in and settled for about six months before the girls came home. It would have been VERY difficult to move while in the early adjustment period with the girls. We were so glad that we were moved and settled when they came. That is just our personal experience. Tue, 15 Apr 2014 19:53:15 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/adoption/tuesday-topic-buying-a-house-before-adopting/#IDComment818023584 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/the-daily/tuesday-topic-what-is-most-helpful-when-a-friend-is-suffering-or-grieving/#IDComment791758093 As someone who has lost a child I think I can speak - at least from my own experience - to this question. First, I would say that even if you have experienced a loss do not assume you know what the person wants or what they are going through. Everyone is different. Be willing to listen, a lot. One thing I really did not like was people telling me that: 1) God doesn't give us more than we can handle, 2) This is God's will, 3) He is in a better place, 4) Joy comes in the morning. All those things may be true. Well, not number 1, but I'll get back to that. Someone who is drowning in their grief does not want to hear those things. Also, do not quote Bible verses from Job. Give them verses about God's care, love, compassion. Those are helpful. Be willing to sit. Be willing to listen. Be willing to pray with them and for them - a lot. Let them know that you care and that you want to help, but you aren't sure know how to do that. Ask if you can come and clean house, or do laundry, take a child on an activity, or pick something up at the store. Be specific, don't just say, "Can I help?" Do NOT try to act like nothing has happened. That is so uncomfortable for the person grieving. When you are grieving you do not think about eating. You don't have an appetite. Giving pre-made food that just needs to be heated up is great. Be sensitive when you drop things off as to whether or not they want your company. Remember, that the crisis does not just last a week. For us, after the memorial service we fell apart. The first year is excruciating. Send a note of encouragement a month later - and continue to do it every now and then. I wanted to know that people remembered my son lovingly and I wanted them to bring him up and tell me their memories they had of him. I also wanted to hear that we were being thought of and prayed for. If you see the person grieving don't say, "It's been six months, I'm surprised you are still struggling." Oh my. Someone actually said that to me. They will have hard days for years. I am on year 8. I still have hard days. Just give them a hug, tell them you love them, and pray for them. Which reminds me, I so appreciate when close friends let me know that they are praying for us on our son's birthday. That is always a hard day and it really does help just to hear that someone remembers our son and remembers our loss. Back to number 1. God gives us what we can only handle with His grace. We are, none of us, capable of handling the loss of a child without God's constant strength and comfort. God also instituted community and we have been so thankful for our church and the wonderful way that they have supported us. Just to give some ideas I will share some specific ways our church came alongside us. On our son's birthday, just three months after his death, they planted a tree near the church entryway as a memorial. On our first Christmas, church friends came over and helped us decorate our tree. Those two acts were very meaningful for us. You can't take away someone's pain at the loss of their loved one, but showing that you care goes a long way to help them heal. Tue, 4 Feb 2014 21:04:30 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/the-daily/tuesday-topic-what-is-most-helpful-when-a-friend-is-suffering-or-grieving/#IDComment791758093 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/adoption/lets-talk-about-post-placement-reports/#IDComment754005739 We adopted from India two separate times (three children) and the requirements were different with each one. I don't know if the government changed their requirements, but I also think it has to do with the agency. We did agree with our last adoption that we would send a periodic report straight to the orphanage because they wanted to see how our son was doing and watch him grow up. (They had him from birth to 6 1/2 y/o.) I was thrilled that they would want that contact. I send photos and a brief report of what is going on with him - emphasizing the positive. As I was typing I do remember that our official paperwork from India said different things both times. And, it seems I remember conversations with people who adopted from India about the same time who had different requirements in their paperwork. Once final adoption was completed here we were not required (by India) to do any other post placement reports, however, we complied with what our agency required. I do agree that as things became difficult I wasn't sure how much to share. I ended up being a bit vague and saying that we were seeking help for our troubles - which we were. Thu, 21 Nov 2013 17:34:18 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/adoption/lets-talk-about-post-placement-reports/#IDComment754005739 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/adoption/joining-a-new-family-at-16-and-realistic-expectations/#IDComment752292740 Thank you for sharing Rebecca. It does put a different spin on things if you can just put aside the attachment piece - by that I mean not to feel that is our only measure of success. It gives me a lot to think about because that is easier said than done! I always counsel people who are thinking about adopting to have realistic expectations. I guess I don't always have them either! Mon, 18 Nov 2013 18:57:18 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/adoption/joining-a-new-family-at-16-and-realistic-expectations/#IDComment752292740 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/large-family-life/tuesday-topic-how-do-i-help-my-other-children/#IDComment739216200 I just wanted to thank you for what you have written Bev. I needed this reminder to let my kids feel what they feel and not be guilty about it. I am often reminding them to look for the lesson God wants to teach them instead of validating their feelings and helping them to work through them in their own time. Wed, 23 Oct 2013 17:58:49 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/large-family-life/tuesday-topic-how-do-i-help-my-other-children/#IDComment739216200 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trauma/if-you-would-just-try/#IDComment728146057 Thank you, thank you, thank you. And AMEN!! The struggle is hard enough without other people (who do not live in our world/house everyday) offering their advice or judgment. I used to accept the advice with a smile because I knew they just don't get it, but it gets old. It helps to have a community where there are other parents that get it. They may not completely get our individual situation, but they understand. Tue, 1 Oct 2013 16:27:06 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trauma/if-you-would-just-try/#IDComment728146057 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/adoption/tuesday-topic-books-about-adoption-for-children/#IDComment717512373 "I Wished For you: An Adoption Story" by Marianne Richmond and "God Found Us You" by Lisa Tawn Bergren, Laura J. Bryant. Both of these were purchased on Amazon. They are very sweet books that talk about the grief of the mom who has given them up as well as the anticipation and joy of the family adopting. My son likes me to read them to him and will even ask me to read one or the other at different times. It has also sparked good conversations. Tue, 10 Sep 2013 15:06:01 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/adoption/tuesday-topic-books-about-adoption-for-children/#IDComment717512373 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trauma/tuesday-topic-when-rad-interferes/#IDComment633125091 You are so right Tricia. Thank you for the encouragement! Thu, 2 May 2013 00:22:58 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trauma/tuesday-topic-when-rad-interferes/#IDComment633125091 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trauma/tuesday-topic-when-rad-interferes/#IDComment632552946 I really appreciate all of your comments. Every single one! It does help to know that there are others who can relate to our circumstances with our son. I think one of the main things that my husband and I are finding out is that we are having to think completely different about parenting than we have done for the last 23 years. That is hard! Especially when we aren't sure what the "right" way is to handle his behavior. It is hard to see what the underlying issue is that needs to be addressed rather than the behavior. I agree with the advice to make sure that we protect our marriage relationship as well as our other children. We work pretty hard at that. Sometimes, I will admit, our son's behavior dictates the tone of our home. We do pray a lot! I know it is just going to take time and patience. Thank you everyone for responding. I am writing down all your suggestions. Wed, 1 May 2013 05:08:22 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trauma/tuesday-topic-when-rad-interferes/#IDComment632552946 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/04/has-god-left-you-in-the-fire.html#IDComment629185125 I know what you mean about feeling as though there are scars from a trial. I certainly have a huge hole in my heart from the death of our son - it won't be going away. I am pretty sure not being consumed is talking spiritually. Just as Jesus did not come to earth only to heal people or take away suffering - He came to take care of our sin problem - something that is much more important than a blind man being able to see or a lame man being able to walk. I think that is one of the hardest parts of life on earth - remembering that this is not all there is. In fact, our life is a vapor. We are here and gone. Eternity is what matters. I have to remind myself of this ALL the time! One thing my husband and I did during our grieving process was to read the Bible often and to journal about what we read. We reminded ourselves of God's attributes, His promises to us, His faithfulness in the Word, His provision. It is so helpful to spend time being grateful. It isn't forgetting what we have lost or the pain that we are feeling. However, we must keep our mind in the right place. If we don't focus on the Lord and what He had done for us through Christ we will become buried in the pain of our trial. I don't know what you are dealing with Heidi, but the Lord is faithful. Lamentations 3: 22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; 23 they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Sat, 27 Apr 2013 05:55:52 +0000 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/04/has-god-left-you-in-the-fire.html#IDComment629185125 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/04/has-god-left-you-in-the-fire.html#IDComment628825142 Quite honestly, no, I do not believe that God does not leave us in the fire too long. I can't even figure out what I just wrote with all those double negatives. :-) What I have learned is that it is really hard to believe those things when you are "in" the fire. It isn't until you have emerged at the other end that you can believe that again. I have been in the fire many times in my life, none so long as with the death of our son, and right now I feel like I am in the fire again (about two years now) and I want out. I feel like I can't take it anymore. But, I also know that eventually - however long God decides to keep me here - I will believe again that God knows what He is doing. Right now I am just weary. I want to explain what I mean by believe. I believe all of what you wrote in my head. My heart is not always there. Sometimes when you are in the fire you just have to keep reminding yourself of the truths you know to be true and wait for your heart to catch up. It stinks. I hate the struggle to keep believing when I don't "feel" loved by God or when I feel like He has abandoned me. I know this refining process is necessary. I need it. I also want to be thankful that God cares enough about me to allow or cause it and that He shows me more of Himself through it. It is just really hard sometimes though. Thank you for this reminder. Fri, 26 Apr 2013 19:19:58 +0000 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/04/has-god-left-you-in-the-fire.html#IDComment628825142 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2011/04/how-do-i-get-my-faith-back.html#IDComment624898526 Great post! Of course, if we are truly in the faith we will never lose it. It just FEELS like it sometimes! Thankfully, our faith is not dependent on our feelings. I agree with the idea of speaking/preaching truth to ourselves. There have been times in my life when I could not believe in my heart, but I knew in my head. Just keep speaking the truth you know about God, pray without ceasing, and stay in the Word. Eventually, your feelings will catch up with your head. Mon, 22 Apr 2013 01:09:07 +0000 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2011/04/how-do-i-get-my-faith-back.html#IDComment624898526 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2011/04/why-it%e2%80%99s-important-to-rejoice-always.html#IDComment609344535 It can be difficult to separate out in your mind rejoicing in a circumstance, as opposed to rejoicing for the circumstance. If you see what I mean! I can remember people telling me that I needed to rejoice that the Lord allowed our son's death. I agree with you - that is not what the command means. We rejoice in Who God is (Sovereign, Almighty, gracious, loving, merciful, righteous, etc.), we rejoice for any little tiny thing we can be thankful for in our lives at the time (and really there are always BIG things we can be grateful for they are just harder to recognize when the valley is very dark!), and we rejoice in what God has done in the past. We do not rejoice that our son is not with us. We do, however, rejoice that our son is worshiping his Savior in eternity, that we grew (and are still growing) in our understanding of God and in our sanctification, and we rejoice as we see God lovingly care for us as we grieve. Thank you so much for sharing biblically, but also from your heart. I always appreciate what you share. Tue, 2 Apr 2013 01:46:00 +0000 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2011/04/why-it%e2%80%99s-important-to-rejoice-always.html#IDComment609344535 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/03/win-a-copy-of-the-gospel-coalitions-new-album-songs-for-the-book-of-luke.html#IDComment605393890 I'm excited to hear the new album. Wed, 27 Mar 2013 18:13:32 +0000 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/03/win-a-copy-of-the-gospel-coalitions-new-album-songs-for-the-book-of-luke.html#IDComment605393890 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/03/my-spouse-doesnt-meet-my-needs.html#IDComment600233241 "Here’s my suggestion: Don’t look at where your spouse needs to change. Look to where you need to change. Don’t have expectations of your spouse. If you have expectations, place them on yourself." So true! A wise woman once told me in the early years of my marriage (now going on 27 years!) that when I was annoyed with my husband about something that I shouldn't pray that God would change him, but that I would pray that God change me. It was great advice. Wed, 20 Mar 2013 18:28:52 +0000 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/03/my-spouse-doesnt-meet-my-needs.html#IDComment600233241 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2010/05/stuff-calvinists-like.html#IDComment577773703 I must be a rotten Calvinist! I, nor any of the reformed Christians I know, do very few of these things. I don't even know what a moleskin journal is. I obviously hang with the wrong crowd!! I'd rather quote R. C. Sproul or John MacArthur, but I do love me some Spurgeon too! :-) Sat, 23 Feb 2013 18:07:25 +0000 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2010/05/stuff-calvinists-like.html#IDComment577773703 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/02/my-isnt-just-my-helper-she-is-my-reinforcements.html#IDComment577770063 Great post Stephen. You are exactly right. Sat, 23 Feb 2013 17:59:16 +0000 http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2013/02/my-isnt-just-my-helper-she-is-my-reinforcements.html#IDComment577770063 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trauma/being-in-hand/#IDComment577326949 This is a very good reminder for me. I think when our kids come to us older we forget that we need to step back into a role with them that we would do with a much younger baby/child. And, to do this longer than we may think we need to. As our eight year old son struggles with attachment, I am going to try going back to this! Praying for your visit with Dimples. Sat, 23 Feb 2013 00:35:33 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trauma/being-in-hand/#IDComment577326949