NaturalMom…I have been where you are a hundred times….a hundred thousand times. It was not until I looked upon God as a Father and Jesus as a friend and brother that i could see or feel anything differently. That was always a really hard concept for me and I knew I would never "get it." All of a sudden, something changed…I really started praying for and asking God what I needed…wisdom…comfort…strength. I didn't get all those things all at once, but I did get them. Keep seeking and asking. It's not about Christianity…it's about Christ!

I married someone who I knew needed me emotionally which guaranteed that I would not have to need him and that he would not leave me. 24 years later I am leaving him because of abuse. I could not make myself need him so he needed me to the point that he was abusive to me…and I could not see the forest for the trees. It's called co-dependency. I actually had little idea that he was both sexually as well as verbally abusing me as i had grown up in opulent neglect. And when someone gives you attention, even when it's negative, you take it and think that next time it will be different.

Let me tell any of you, it won't be different. I thought I had to stay in my marriage no matter what because that it what I was told, and I was a good girl who always did what she was told. Love is supposed to be patient and kind without demands…I wish I could have seen it sooner but have to trust that God's timing is the right timing.

So I am going to be my own best friend for a while, after Jesus. He is really all I need, and maybe, one day, I will have a functional, healthy relationship…but I am not counting on that.

I have learned not to expect my adoptive parents to change. Until I was 48 I kept putting myself in situations where I was always disappointed and was so optimistic I came back for more. I can forgive my parents for what they could not do, but I don't want to hang with them, and I don't owe them any explanations for the choices I am making as a grown woman.

I apologize to my kids all the time. I am a far from perfect parent. I like to think the grace God' gives me every day I can pass on to them. They also enjoy being with me, and three of the four enjoy their dad. I hope that the other one will benefit from their father's wiliness to parent her like she needs to be parented, but there are now guarantees and that is up to him to figure out as an adult.

You don't need to duck….think you are spot on.

I think I may see you at Celebration this Wednesday night! Will let you know...

Rebecca…I can identify with so much of what you have written here! I have hidden myself from most people, afraid to trust. I think that my mother, too, wanted a baby and was unprepared for what it would take to raise a daughter. My parents are VERY rich and my dad got my mom what she wanted and he was a workaholic. She loves me but I don't FEEL loved by her; she was raised by a very passive father. My dad was actually the better "parent" but constantly expects me to be grateful even as recently as last night when he recounted, "remember that time we went to the theme park the day after I had worked my tail off in a 20 hour day?" I know other parents do this, but add in adoptedness and it takes on a whole new meaning and flavor.

I also take the money. Money talks and bullshit walks. If I never saw or talked to them again I think I would be just fine…and that makes me sad.

My original family is comprised of some of the best people I have ever met. They love me unconditionally, and that feels good. They are my people. I have hidden that from my parents because that has been the expectation. Now they want to meet my dad because they know we have more of a relationship…but I need to decide where my boundary will be, because their motives are their own and not for my own good.

I highly recommend the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendricks. It has helped me see what has motivated my parents who raised me and has helped me see why I seek what I have in relationships. Thank you, Rebecca, for writing the worlds I haven't written yet.

Different IS good!

I agree with Jamie…as long as people know the truth we can learn to deal with it. Yes, safety…but who determines what safety is? Many times it's judges with adopted kids (hate being so cynical, but yes).

As adults we should not need "protection"…we become adults to take care of ourselves.

julie gaglione

Mila, thank you, again for a wonderful post. Being an adoptee who adopted I often wonder if I was trying to take the pain of my adoptive past and rewrite a new, happier story for the child I adopted. It's hard to know your own motives sometime. I like you and many others are now very outspoken about my own adoption in the Baby Scoop Era and the unethical adoption practices that go on today both internationally and domestically. I have realized that the most difficult part for me is that so many people have wanted to erase my past. It has made me, personally, feel disconnected to the world. And then I go again and adopt another child, internationally, and ironically her past has been erased as well. I think I just have to do my best to keep my mind open as I move forward as her mother. She is not me and I am not her, but boy, do we have some things in common!

I also just feel like I have been a possession my whole life, and I will be damned if she is going to feel like that by me!
julie gaglione

Not that you need me to tell you, Mila, but you are right on. My reunion with my mother 20 years ago was so tumultuous to my adoptive parents that I shut her out (even though I did not want to)…fast forward to 2012 and more of the same, this time from my husband AND my adoptive father.

When does my life become my own? Right now it does. Time for some boundaries, and I will be the one setting them.

I would like us all to look at the word "orphan" and what that means. I was not an orphan when I was adopted. I made a lot of assumptions about our adopted daughter from China before I dealt with my own adoptedness, and more than likely she is no more of an orphan than I am. My original mother and father are not strangers TO ME…they are my family. For me it is genetic, magnetic, real and surreal. I "knew" my father when I met him and he knew me.

An adoption certificate is not a certificate of title…my life belongs to me. People can change my name and forge my documents, lie and cover up, but it still won't change the essence of me.

I also know that some adoptees have a wonderful adoptive parents who are interested in knowing their adopted child and meeting them where they are who honor where they have come from. I want to be that parent! A lot of it has to do with the child's temperament and the adult not expecting the child to conform to them. And I want my daughter to know where she came from…technology and DNA testing are making all that possible. She deserves to know HER story!

I could go on and on and on….

It was extremely important to me to meet my dad one on one. I was 46 years old. I had to argue with my husband about this as his feelings were hurt...he felt left out. It's hard to explain, but he got to have his parents to himself when he was a baby (even though he had 4 siblings)...he got to experience that alone. I wanted to have that experience even as an adult, and even though I knew it hurt him it was so important to me that I didn't care.

My own experience with the members of my original family belongs to me. I get to decide how I feel about them...they are MY people. A social worker chose my adoptive parents, and she did the best she could, but in my case I was a square peg and they were a round hole. It was what it was, and now I know they did the best they could with the knowledge they had. I care about my parents but am not attached to them, and this is not my fault. Babies can't take on blame.

And I have decided that I love my mother, father, half-sister, brother in law (well not in law!), aunt, uncle, and cousins, and their kids. And I know they love and care for me.

I didn't really "decide"...it's what I FEEL. Other people can feel what they want to, but this experience belongs to me now, and no one can tell me what to do any more. I am now a full-fledged adult and am going to act like one. That's my choice to make.

We are snowflakes, not cookie cutters...no two experiences are ever really alike even thought there may be some similarities...others deserve the right to feel as they wish based on their own experience, and if one more non-adopted person tells me how I "should " feel then they will experience my polite displeasure expressed in an adult way!

Lee H.