IntenseDebate - adult adoptee

8 years ago @ http://www.adopteerest... - 9 Things I Learned in ... · 0 replies · +1 points

What we're told, and what we believe, aren't always lies. My adopted life, in words and action, has proven my lack of worth and lovability. I know it's not what you want to hear, nor what you want me to believe, but the truth isn't always pretty.

Thank you for listening and sharing. I do wish what you're telling me were reality for all of us.

8 years ago @ http://www.adopteerest... - 9 Things I Learned in ... · 2 replies · +2 points

People can recover from cancer, they can find love again after divorce. People can NEVER be un-adopted -- it's a life sentence. In general, society will offer support and comfort to those with medical and family issues, but the expectation is that adoption is always a good thing so those of us who say otherwise about it are called "bitter" and "ungrateful." Even mental health professionals fail us by refusing to acknowledge the trauma we've experienced.

Adoption damages some of us so much that a "great life" simply isn't possible. I've lived my entire life knowing I was unwanted, unloved and unlovable. How do you overcome that? I know some people find a way, but I never could.

9 years ago @ Lost Daughters - And yet... · 1 reply · +2 points

I'm always more than a little jealous when I read stories from adoptees who grew up feeling loved and secure in their adoptive families. That certainly wasn't my experience, nor was it the experience of countless others. For those us of who were unloved, abused, re-homed, etc., it's a much easier question to answer.

No, I'm not happy that I was adopted. And if this life is the one I was "meant" to live? Well, then, I must be repaying some serious past-life karma. The best thing I can say is that, along with many MANY other adoptees, I wish my mother had been able to choose abortion over adoption.
My recent post Shameless Self-Promotion .....

10 years ago @ Lost Daughters - Starting with Chapter ... · 0 replies · +1 points

Wonderful story -- thank you for sharing!

Question: how does one go about getting started as a search angel? I would be honored to help my fellow adoptees on their journey of discovery, but don't know how/where to begin.
My recent post Continuing the conversation on the adoption contract .....

10 years ago @ Lost Daughters - Transracial Lives Matt... · 0 replies · +2 points

Very powerful and thought-provoking -- thank you for sharing.
My recent post Ding dong .....

10 years ago @ http://www.adopteerest... - I Wish You Were My Mot... · 0 replies · +2 points

My birth mother welcomed me back with open arms (accompanied by an absolute refusal to accept any responsibility for giving me away). My maternal rejection came from my adoptive mother(s) who were supposed to love me, but didn't (or who left me). My adoptive father's second wife is the closest thing to a mother figure I had (though she didn't come into our lives until I was 20), and even she turned her back on me after her husband's death. We haven't spoken in more than 15 years.

There have been many times when I've been utterly despondent and, like a child, find myself crying "I want my mother". But she just doesn't exist.

I truly envy those who DO have a mother figure -- of any kind -- in their lives.
My recent post Cancelling the Adoption Contract -- an update .....

10 years ago @ Lost Daughters - The truth behind the r... · 0 replies · +5 points

After being given away by my birth mother, then given away again by my first adoptive family, my second adoptive family didn't understand my anger or care about my chronic, acute, depression. My unhappiness was my own fault, as was their eventual decision to also send me away. I was, after all, simply a "bad kid". They didn't want to hear about my pain, and no one else believed that my life was anything less than wonderful.

Adoption sucks.
My recent post Imaginary family .....

10 years ago @ Lost Daughters - Dear Adoptive Parents:... · 0 replies · +9 points

As the product of a dissolved first adoption and an abusive second adoption, there's not much positive for me to focus on. I was adopted out of a misguided sense of "responsibility," rather than because my adopters wanted me. With my second adoption, in fact, my adoptive mother actually DIDN'T want me -- but was forced into the situation by her husband, just as I was.

I have a Master's Degree, but my adoptive siblings never finished college; my bio sister (who was kept by our mother) is an RN and my bio brother (also kept) is a PhD.

I'm fortunate because I do know my birth family, but our relationship isn't much more than superficial. Too much distance (emotional and physical) and a lack of shared life experiences make it difficult for us to really get closer.

And I'm completely estranged (by choice) from what's left of my adoptive family.

Then let's talk about the massive trust issues caused by multiple adoptive placements (no "forever family" for me) and feelings of worthlessness and being unloved/unlovable because of those disruptions in my life. For me, abandonment is a simple fact of life.

Let me know when you find some of those positive aspects .....
My recent post Sent away -- again (part III) .....

10 years ago @ Lost Daughters - Dear Adoptive Parents:... · 0 replies · +16 points

For some of us adoptees, the expectations are overt and quite clear. We're told, repeatedly, that our birth mothers didn't want us, that we were a "mistake," and that we were adopted not because we were loved or wanted, but simply because we were a responsibility.

Then, should we fail to demonstrate the required loyalty and gratitude, we're labelled as "troubled" (or just "trouble"), rejected and tossed aside yet again.

When that happens, in the eyes of the parents and society at large, the problem is always with the adoptee. It's NEVER the fault of the parents -- or the fact that the institution of adoption is profoundly flawed.

My recent post Imaginary family .....

10 years ago @ http://www.adopteerest... - Adoptees Deserve the T... · 0 replies · +1 points

Absolutely adoptees deserve the truth about their origins! In addition to the legal documentation (which should be available to ANY adoptee in ANY state at ANY age), adoptive parents also need to be honest with the information they provide.

Although I knew my birth mother's identity early on, it wasn't until we reconnected (when I was 35-ish) that I learned much of what my adoptive parents had told me about her simply wasn't true. The picture they painted of her still lingers, eight years after her death, and I still struggle to reconcile what I was told with what I now believe to be true.

Good luck with your continued journey, Deanna. I hope you're able to learn your birth father's identity -- SOON.

My recent post Imaginary family .....

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