153 comments posted · 5 followers · following 0

7 years ago @ The Toast - Alternate Titles For <... · 0 replies · +59 points

FartBear 2: Fart Harder

7 years ago @ The Toast - I Have Got To Catch My... · 0 replies · +80 points

Do not catch the kitten. Soon it will grow up and you will write a post about how this scoundrel stole its way into your yard, wearing the guise of a tiny adorable kitten, but time shed its glamor and it ended up being a cat just like any other cat.

(I say this fully realizing you are probably camped on your porch right now with a butterfly net and a pair of binoculars)

7 years ago @ The Toast - Memorable Passages Fro... · 1 reply · +31 points

They shoot horses, don't they?

7 years ago @ The Toast - Memorable Passages Fro... · 1 reply · +44 points

CHERIE BENNETT, THO! She also wrote a few books that followed the teen interns of a trashy television talk show. Both the name of the series and the name of the talk show were: TRASH. TRAAAAAAAAASH.

Here are the things I remember about Trash without looking it up:

- the host of Trash, Jazz Jagger, claimed to be the love child of Mick Jagger and someone else. There are several mentions of her publicity photos, which are usually topless, or astride a motorcycle, or both.
- the protagonist was Chelsea, and she was hiding a TERRIBLE SECRET - she was also the daughter of a NOTORIOUS SERIAL KILLER! This was exposed, of course, on live television.
- other interns on Trash included Karma Kushner, the Asian adopted daughter of hippie Jewish parents; Lisha, a friend of Chelsea's from childhood who turned into The Ultimate Bad Girl, who wore a Cub Scout uniform top tied under the bust on her first day of work; a bunch of useless men.

7 years ago @ The Toast - Leveling Up For Dummies · 0 replies · +3 points

I have played Mario 2 all the way through probably a dozen times, and never ONCE have I deviated from Peach. Playing for hours and finally getting to the Night world was when I would feel infinite, like Charlie & Co in The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

8 years ago @ The Toast - Gleeful Mobs Of Women ... · 8 replies · +201 points

"Um is anybody else concerned that Mallory Ortberg seems to advocate violence towards men" - actual man on Twitter

8 years ago @ The Toast - How To Tell If You Are... · 2 replies · +141 points

There are new ways in the land that threaten the Old Way. Your grandmother secretly practices the Old Way, as do all of the people of the hills.

You are going to the City. There is only one City. It is only said with a capital C. No one needs to bother saying the name of the City. It is the City.

You’re going to have to hurry, or you’re going to miss the Fair – and you never miss the Fair.

Also signs that you're in the Bay Area.

8 years ago @ The Toast - Bible Verses Where The... · 2 replies · +57 points

That wasn't me, but same idea.

Dance, Bert, wherever you may be.
I am the Bert of the dance said he

8 years ago @ The Toast - Bible Verses Where The... · 13 replies · +124 points

I have spent many a commute furiously texting my sister old church hymns replacing "Lord" with her dog's name.

I the Bert, of sea and sky
I have heard my people cry.
Who will share my peace with them?
Whom shall I send?

Here I am, Bert
Is it I, Bert?
I have heard you,
Howling in the night
I will go, Bert
If you lead me
I will hold
Your people in my paws.

8 years ago @ The Toast - So You've Finally Star... · 1 reply · +276 points

I'm wearing a nursing bra even though my child stopped nursing 6 months ago and it probably never fit in the first place. Toads are falling from the sky. My shower runs red with blood. The Angel of Death is knocking on my door with a measuring band.