en-us https://www.intensedebate.com/users/1351466 Comments by writtenbyBene http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/06/30/in-transition/#IDComment170953250 Thanks sis! That really means a lot. And you can't quit. Ever. It gets better babe. :-) Fri, 8 Jul 2011 05:16:01 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/06/30/in-transition/#IDComment170953250 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/06/24/the-non-protector-types/#IDComment170002557 I cannot take your comments seriously. So I'm going to stop responding and "feeding the trolls" as they say. However, I have preferences and I'm not single. And everyone on the face of the planet has preferences when it comes to choosing a significant other. Married people even have preferences. They used those preferences along with other factors to decide their spouse was the one to marry instead of the other people they've dated prior to meeting that person. So your lil' theory isn't factual. It's rather silly. Tue, 5 Jul 2011 17:04:23 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/06/24/the-non-protector-types/#IDComment170002557 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/07/01/beyonces-4/#IDComment170001304 I don't like the King attachment because it implies that the Queen is inferior. Women cannot be Kings due to their sex. Queen is not less than, which is ultimately what she's saying by choosing King over Queen. But it's not something I'm going to get riled up by. And you're not a fan of Bey's voice? Interesting. I've heard quite a few people say this and they usually get attacked for it by Bey stans. LOL Tue, 5 Jul 2011 16:59:19 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/07/01/beyonces-4/#IDComment170001304 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/07/01/beyonces-4/#IDComment170000582 LOL. I thought you LOVED Bey? Tue, 5 Jul 2011 16:56:50 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/07/01/beyonces-4/#IDComment170000582 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/06/30/in-transition/#IDComment168433705 Girl (?), you're about to make me tear up. Don't do that! I'm so sensitive these days. LOL! But thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate your support always. And I think you're right. Sometimes we are our own worst critics, ya know? Messages like yours makes me happy because inspiring others is what it's all about. :-) @Arielle: Girl you know I will hit you up too. Thanks for the info and the words of advice. I'm reading that e-book you sent me too. Good stuff. Thu, 30 Jun 2011 20:19:10 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/06/30/in-transition/#IDComment168433705 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/06/24/the-non-protector-types/#IDComment168432413 Interesting commentary. I agree with you. Security and feeling protected is a must. You know in "A Belle in BK" Demetria has a whole chapter about this. I'd say it is the insecurities of both the person being ridiculed and the ones doling out the threats/insults. Unfortunately, skin tone plays a major role in how men are viewed. Just take note of how some dark skinned men will attempt to feminize a light skinned man, i.e. "pretty boy." For me, height and weight do play a role in it as well, but it's not the end all be all. I know some short guys that I would feel safe around. I'm also not measuring manhood by one's skin tone, height or weight as someone else suggested. I think it's important for women to have what they need in relationships. And we all have preferences. Nothing wrong with that. Thu, 30 Jun 2011 20:13:38 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/06/24/the-non-protector-types/#IDComment168432413 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/06/24/the-non-protector-types/#IDComment168429722 You know you could have condensed your three comments into one comment don't you? One quick correction- I never said manhood equals the characteristics I prefer. It's a preference. Period. Thu, 30 Jun 2011 20:02:31 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/06/24/the-non-protector-types/#IDComment168429722 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/06/24/the-non-protector-types/#IDComment168429060 LOL! Where did I say anything about wanting a thug? Please don't read into stuff that's not there. And you can always ask me. If you read through my archives you'll see I'm a pretty open person. Thanks for reading. :-) P.S.- Protective types does not equal thugs. Thu, 30 Jun 2011 19:59:56 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/06/24/the-non-protector-types/#IDComment168429060 http://writingwhileblack.com/2010/03/04/stop-coddling-him-hes-a-grown-ass-man/#IDComment162770029 Wow. Thanks for sharing your story. And trust I know it's not Black sons/mothers. It happens in ALL races and ethnicities. Have you tried talking to your boyfriend or his mother about this one on one? Without being defensive or angry. Maybe they don't realize what they are doing. Just a thought. Wed, 15 Jun 2011 05:26:46 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2010/03/04/stop-coddling-him-hes-a-grown-ass-man/#IDComment162770029 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/04/04/the-faces-of-domestic-violence-pt-ii/#IDComment140272435 EXACTLY! I agree wholeheartedly with your comment above. Here's the problem with the argument you're presenting about Rihanna: neither Chris or Rihanna have come out and said she hit him. There were no pictures taken of him sustaining injuries or bruises. But even if she did hit him, what would you propose happen to her? Why must she be held accountable as well? Really think about why you want to take the focus off of Chris Brown's actions and direct them to what Rihanna "must have done." Your argument is faulty, IMO, because it's basically a form of victim blaming. It takes away the accountability and focus of a woman being beaten senselessly by a man. I can't even begin to go further because at the core we have different beliefs on this incident and subject. Tue, 5 Apr 2011 22:20:08 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/04/04/the-faces-of-domestic-violence-pt-ii/#IDComment140272435 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/04/04/the-faces-of-domestic-violence-pt-ii/#IDComment140242282 Thanks for reading. I don't think this post is really about forgiveness as much as it's about domestic violence, a safe haven for girls and women, victim blaming, and society's tolerance of violence against women. I also think Christianity has no place in this discussion because again, I'm not arguing for or against people forgiving anyone. My intention was to bring awareness in the hopes that at least one person will understand domestic violence affects us all. Tue, 5 Apr 2011 20:07:10 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/04/04/the-faces-of-domestic-violence-pt-ii/#IDComment140242282 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/04/04/the-faces-of-domestic-violence-p-i/#IDComment139929113 I just want to thank all of you for your kind words. I hope in writing this women and young girls, even if only one, will realize this ISN'T love. @Drew: I understand where you're coming from about people sharing their personal stories more. The thing is I used to write about myself a lot. I'm an open book. But the anonymity of the Internet makes it very difficult. People are harsh and judgmental. The Internet allows cowards to suddenly develop some type of bravado. For example, I have a stalker who has followed me all across the Internet to use my name to gain hits to his blog. He has written at least seven blog posts or "retorts" using my original work to basically attack me. That has made me leery of writing my own personal stories because people can be so malicious. But I do think some stories have to be told through a personal lens. "It just makes me think maybe they have and just aren’t sharing." You would be surprised. Either people aren't sharing or they don't consider the violence situations they've been in as domestic violence. Thanks for commenting! Mon, 4 Apr 2011 17:41:26 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/04/04/the-faces-of-domestic-violence-p-i/#IDComment139929113 http://writingwhileblack.com/2010/06/02/a-coalition-of-biracial-children/#IDComment127234012 Why is it that only biracial people seem to have a problem whenever biracial articles are written? You have to provide examples if you are going to make such a loaded accusation. I'm also not sure where you got this notion that I was speaking of biracial children as outcasts. In fact, in the black community, biracial children are often put on a pedestal. The black community accepts biracial people more than other racial group. "I firmly believe that unless you're fresh off the boat from Africa, you're not 100% black." This statement irks me to no end. Another way for black people (usually mixed) to separate themselves from being Black. *sigh* You may want to read my latest article on Clutch Magazine: "Stop Bringing the Biracial Issue to the Doorsteps of Blacks" Fri, 11 Feb 2011 01:17:34 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2010/06/02/a-coalition-of-biracial-children/#IDComment127234012 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/01/24/steve-harvey-and-black-women/#IDComment127233149 "I think his info is something women should look into just to get a perspective on how a man's mind thinks." So you think all men think alike? Men are not a monolith. No book is needed for me to get a perspective on how men think. I have male friends if I want different males perspectives on things. "Don't lose the message because of the messenger." I think you're missing the point of the article. Clearly I don't think Harvey has a message. And it's not about discrediting his message because of the alleged claims against him. It's about him being no authority on anything. Also he's a man focusing on telling women how to think and how to act. Hence the title of his first book. Where are his books for black men? If you replace Steve Harvey with Bill Cosby, who has been married at least 20 years to Camille, I'd still think it was problematic that he chose to write a woman geared toward women. It would be less problematic if it was Cosby, but still problematic. Fri, 11 Feb 2011 01:11:51 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/01/24/steve-harvey-and-black-women/#IDComment127233149 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/01/26/bet-stays-losing/#IDComment123987198 I agree wholeheartedly. And what's sad is that people from other cultures think this is what represents us not knowing that there are tons of us who really loathe the network. I've heard so many stories from my friends from overseas, including Africans and West Indians, who think black people are all baggy pants, welfare queens, baby mamas, etc. because that's what they see on TV in their countries. SMDH. And it's all good, I knew exactly what you were saying. Besides you're sick w/numbers (I hate math) and makeup! We all got our talents and skills. :-) Wed, 26 Jan 2011 22:45:17 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/01/26/bet-stays-losing/#IDComment123987198 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/01/24/steve-harvey-and-black-women/#IDComment123596069 "You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped so I think that would have been a waste of time." And this is what I want women to examine. Why do we think we need help? From a man? In particularly one who cannot keep his own affairs in order. Patriarchy and conditioning. "For example, in the book Steve talks about waiting until a man commits before you sleep with him in order to prevent yourself from being strung along, used or played and seeing a man's true intentions. It's simple advice that most people don't follow." Again, this statement is extremely problematic. No man or woman should be dictating the sexual encounters of a woman. And no one should be making a woman feel like if she slept with a man at 1.5 months and the relationship didn't work, it is her fault. That's not always true and a large generalization. Furthermore, this line of thinking again is very patriarchal. I'm looking at this as a woman, but also a feminist. You may not be. But I don't think you have to be a feminist to understand what is at the core of this problem. You say that "black men obviously don't want to be helped." That is all the more reason for Steve to reach out to them. I don't see any books telling men what they need to do. That's the difference. The self-help books for men have a different tone to it. The self-help books for women comes from centuries of men believing they can tell us what needs to be done to get and keep them. And if we don't follow the "rules" to the game it's our fault. You don't find that problematic? "As much as women want to shift the blame for our societal problems on black men (eg being players + dead beat dads)..." That's a pretty loaded statement. So you think black women are to blame for their own problems, should stop blaming men and then listen to men to learn the things about relationships that "only men can teach us"? Yeah, we're going to have to agree to disagree. Thanks for reading! Always happy to have new readers. :-) Tue, 25 Jan 2011 06:06:36 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2011/01/24/steve-harvey-and-black-women/#IDComment123596069 http://writingwhileblack.com/2010/12/15/outgrowing-friends/#IDComment116048647 @Yvette: Well said. I'm sort of the same. My close friends are from high school, but I've made some good friends in college and graduate school too. And our circles never connect because of where people live, our differences, etc. I think the "Sex and the City" friendship model is rare and that's ok. I just hate that someone would tell me I think I'm better than because we're no longer close friends. That's insanity. @Liana: "One thing I have learned (the hard way) is that we grow up and become different people...and that's okay." I think this sums the entire post. So very true. Wed, 15 Dec 2010 23:20:50 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2010/12/15/outgrowing-friends/#IDComment116048647 http://writingwhileblack.com/2010/12/13/love-is-a-verb/#IDComment115625782 Thank you so much. Oooh Stacy, you touched on something I wanted to put in the post and maybe I'll do a Part 2. This: "On the flip side when we do have good love we are so scared and used to the bullshit that we do not even know how to handle the goodness." You ain't never lied! I have to check myself daily. I am so used to expecting the worse or a man creeping that sometimes I'm so out of the pocket with my SO. I am fortunate enough that he understands where this is coming from. I want us as women to heal for the exact reason you mentioned. If a good man fell into some women's lap, they wouldn't know how to treat him because it's not the dysfunction they're used to. I'm glad you moved in the direction of seeing what you can change and you know love, true love, is out there. Thank you for reading! Tue, 14 Dec 2010 06:04:59 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2010/12/13/love-is-a-verb/#IDComment115625782 http://writingwhileblack.com/2010/12/13/love-is-a-verb/#IDComment115622421 "Then I realized I was not headed toward a life of peace." You better TEACH Toya! Your comment is truly on point. I think you and Stephen were one of the first young couples that I witnessed that was "normal." Lol. Remember I used to ask you 101 questions? "So yall have never had a big blowout?" You would say, "no." And you were just always so positive about your love for him, your life and relationship, even before yall got married. Yall were an inspiration to me. It's funny now that women reach out to me and say they see my relationship w/my SO, see us tweet online or his blog posts about me, and they now have changed their negative perceptions of men. Funny how God will use you in situations you once believed impossible. Tue, 14 Dec 2010 05:48:59 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2010/12/13/love-is-a-verb/#IDComment115622421 http://writingwhileblack.com/2010/11/15/can-kanye-live/#IDComment111541384 Thank you for reading and commenting. I hope you will come back. I love Kanye. I do think he is a little spoiled brat. But hey, I'd rather have all of that and him speaking out on things that matter, opposed to those who pretty much never stand for anything. Tue, 23 Nov 2010 22:32:21 +0000 http://writingwhileblack.com/2010/11/15/can-kanye-live/#IDComment111541384