gdp's Comments

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : WIAW: \'Free Pass?\'

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 22:24:31 +0000

Just *hugs* from me dear Jess because I'm not sure what else to add to other people's comments. I am so sorry, as always, that food and weight are sources of such constant distress for you, it just sucks beyond words. You have been going through such a lot of stress with the university, ill health and worrying about your Mum recently - I think you have been doing a truly remarkable job of holding things together all things considered! Lots of love, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Scale Self-Sabotage

Sun, 8 Apr 2012 20:34:32 +0000

Hi my dear Jess, I just want to reach out and give you a massive hug... What a horrible time you are having - I wish I could make things better, on all fronts, but sadly all I can do is let you know that I care about you and to reassure you that you are NOT the awful person that you think you are. What 'cryinginthebathroom' wrote above "it is ok to do that [sod it!] once in a while - I know how much grief it causes you, but it's ok to be human" really struck me as the exact feeling I had when reading your post, but couldn't find the words to express. I can't imagine the stress of living with a Mum who is so ill, when you also have very legitimate problems of your own. I wish that you (both) had some more support - I hope that blogging helps in a small way. You have some wonderful friends all around the world who care about you very much... Go easy on yourself if you can. Lots of love, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Bulletproof

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 16:42:47 +0000

Hi Jess, I'm away for the weekend with my family and trying to have a sneaky blog-read without anyone asking what I'm doing... I don't have time to leave a proper comment but please know I'm thinking of you. Big bear hugs, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Race Recap ~ Spen 20 2012 ~ 2:43:10 (?)

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 21:11:43 +0000

Oh Jess, I'm sad that you can still be so viciously angry towards yourself when you are capable of running such a race (especially, as mentioned above, on the back of such a stressful time and the many injuries). I wish you could see the runner that I see when I read your race re-cap and see your pics. I mean, 20 miles? At sub 8min/mile pace? And still able to pick up the pace over the last 3 miles? I'm totally in awe! Give yourself some credit where it is most definitely due! And take care of yourself, okay? Much love and copious bear-hugs, as always, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Stop This PhD, I Want To Get Off!

Sun, 4 Mar 2012 16:59:29 +0000

Oh no, I left a comment this morning but it looks like it's not shown up... is lost somewhere in your commenting system or should I attempt a recap? *hugs* in the meantime, hope your weekend has been ok, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Stop This PhD, I Want To Get Off!

Sun, 4 Mar 2012 09:29:43 +0000

Hi dear Jess I haven't read all of the comments on this post yet because it might lead me into getting sidetracked and I will fail (once again) to leave the comment that I want to... which could basically be summed up as "Look after yourself first, because you will be of no use to anyone if you don't (that's meant in the kindest possible way - that it isn't selfish to do what is right for you). I'm here for you, if there's anything I can do. It WILL be okay in the end." I look forward to going back and reading the above comments though as people never fail to leave wise and insightful comments, which I am sure are useful for lots of other readers too! I think that your current mental and physical health would definitely be grounds for a deferral or interruption of studies (or whatever it's called at your uni) if you wanted to keep options open for when you are feeling better able to cope or have managed to negotiate a different supervisor. But maybe that idea only appeals to me because of my own inability to make big decisions (especially when I'm not doing very well). Quitting (it started out as medical leave) my degree at Glasgow quite possibly saved my life, although it was an incredibly difficult decision to take at the time. I had never quit anything before and, like you, feared the judgement of others. It does sound like your parents are supportive of whatever you need to do to avoid a further deterioration of your anxiety problems and that is really good to read. Making a decision to leave your PhD, permanently or temporarily, should not be seen as failure, but an investment in your future. Pushing yourself to breaking point might seem heroic and the 'right' thing to do, but I think that the most basic thing that we all need to do is to look after ourselves. I really appreciate how difficult this time will be for you and I wish you peace with whatever decision you make. Keep blogging ;-) *big hugs* x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Protein Pow(d)er?

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 23:48:39 +0000

Oh gosh. Just re-read my comment and really need to clarify "feel frustrated and angry with you" (2nd para).... what I mean is "I am joining with you in your anger and frustration at the situation" and definitely NOT "I am frustrated and angry at Jess". I hope that the context of all previous communication between us would have made that obvious, but just incase you thought I'd had some kind personality malfunction... Phew, this written communication thing really IS a minefield - I try to be less self-editing, re-writing, etc and look what a howler I come up with!! Bear fail. Sorry about that. x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Protein Pow(d)er?

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 23:42:13 +0000

Hi dear Jess, I will join with everyone else who has said that really, honestly, you look slim and athletic, and that the way you describe yourself sounds so much at odds with what we see. But I do feel frustrated and angry with you that you aren't able to experience the comfort and reassurance of some stability with your weight, despite trying so hard to make things work. I agree with the several commenters who have said that you are over-training but I don't know enough about biology/physiology to say exactly what effect that would have on metabolism and weight. I guess it makes sense that a body which knows it will be put through double-digit mileage as well as several hours other exercise every day will want to hold on to all the energy it can... I do understand and sympathise with how difficult it is to break these compulsive routines (and I know that you need some exercise to help manage your back problems) but I do believe that finding a way to manage a reduced amount of exercise will be vital for your future health, both physical and emotional. And I'm sorry that I don't think that is what you would like to hear. I'm here for you if there's any way I can help or support you. Lots of love, x x x PS. Congratulations on the assessed lecture - really well done in the midst of such stress! *hugs*

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Past My Bedtime

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 17:44:54 +0000

Dearest Jess, I'm so sorry to hear how awful you are feeling and, like everyone else who has commented above, I wish that I could help you practically in some way (please get in touch if there's anything I can do, or if you want to chat). I feel certain that there ARE ways in which life can begin to feel more bearable, and even bring you joy... and I really don't want you to miss out on that! I'm sure that from the position of despair and anguish that you are in right now it will not feel like anything can get better, but that thinking is as much a symptom of your mood problems as the horrible feelings themselves. I think it would be worth re-visiting any sources of support that are available (gp, ed service, charities) because you do need lots of help to fight your way out of this dark place. Don't be afraid to lean on the friends that you have made through blogging - we care about you and value you very much. I hope that you can feel some of the love and care and gentle hugs that I am trying to send with this comment. x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Broken

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 21:06:40 +0000

My dear Jess, I am very worried about you (please do not apologise for 'making me' worry, it is my choice to consider you a friend and to be concerned about your wellbeing). This pressure that you put on yourself to run is clearly causing you so much pain, physically and emotionally, but I also know that this 'drive' is beyond your control to a large extent... All I can do is reassure you that NOT running does not make you a wuss, it was by far the best thing that you could have done for your body. It sounds like you need a lot of help and support right now - I hope that blogging (and the wonderful, caring, intelligent and empathetic comments that you receive - proof that you are very valued) will help in some way. If I can provide a listening ear please give me a shout! Please try to take as good a care of yourself as you possibly can, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Training: Misery

Sat, 4 Feb 2012 21:13:07 +0000

Sorry you have had such a rough time of it this week. Hugs and love and acceptance... Binge-wise, I have been there: feeling like every binge is a new 'worst ever' and not understanding how I can want to eat anything ever again after causing myself such physical and emotional pain. There have been plenty of times when I haven't been able to see any possibility of ever escaping from such desperate, compulsive and irrational behaviour, but the fact is that I haven't just got worse and worse as I had feared. Back in 2005-06, my bodyweight doubled in a little over a year (taking me from 'emaciated' to 'overweight' in terms of BMI) and I was terrified of what was becoming of me (I need to add an aside here because I'm so appalled at how judgemental of weight that sounds. My terror was at losing control and behaving in a way that I hated). All I could see (and hence all I could foresee) was the upward trajectory of my bingeing behaviour, but my negative predictions were not borne out and my symptoms have ebbed and flowed in terms of their severity over quite a few years now and I guess I have been learning all the time... At the moment I am doing a lot better (so well that my psychiatrist wants to discharge me!) - I don't say that to gloat, but because I wanted to share some hope with you. I'm not ed-free, not by a long shot, but definitely improving. Hang in there Jess, I have every hope that things will get better. *hugs* x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : (Another) Wordless WIAW

Sat, 4 Feb 2012 11:15:06 +0000

Hi Jess, I just wanted to reach over and give you a hug even though I don't know what to say... I hope things are going okay because I hate to think of you suffering, but even if things are going disasterously awfully I care about you and accept you just the same. Hang in there my dear and I'm here for you if there's anything I can do. Lots of love, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Not So Good

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 21:50:56 +0000

Oh Jess, first off some gentle and caring *hugs* because that is the best way I can think of to demonstrate that I care about you and that you are not the awful person that you think you are. I'm sorry that I have come rather late to this post and had missed your previous post entirely... but maybe better late than never in letting you know that I'm here for you if there's any way I can support you. I have never struggled with such serious injuries or had an exercise-compulsion to anywhere near the same degree, but there are so many ways in which I can relate to you. I'm so sorry to see you struggling with so much, physically and emotionally, at the moment but I have a lot of hope for you, I really do. This is turning into a great big ramble but hopefully no one else will read it down here at the bottom of the page!! I just needed to reach out and give you a virtual hug (and that's much more important than worrying about what my sentences sound like!). Much love, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Jealous Hater

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 22:09:43 +0000

"I just want you to be ok, and to be ok with yourself. We love you." That is so perfectly, exactly what I feel and want to express too. (And I love you Elk also for being brave enough to comment so honestly, and as wisely as always!). I will write my own comment too as well as piggy-backing on Elk's because I have been just about everywhere on the ED-spectrum and can SO understand your anger and frustration Jess. I really struggle with feeling "angry", because I always label it is 'bad', but you know what? It's okay to be angry, it's okay to be furious because there is nothing fair or deserved about you suffering like this. So much love, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : The Romantic Runner

Sun, 1 Jan 2012 19:13:01 +0000

I'm feeling for you on the overload of thoughts / overthinking things today... weather has been wild, windy and VERY rainy here, and the gym is closed... boo - not all of us have hangovers to contend with today!! On the other hand I guess I should be happy for the staff that they get a day off (working weekends and bank holidays sucks). I digress already... As much as I would love for you to break some PRs and have an awesome and injury-free year of running, I would even more love for you to stop feeling that your worth is defined by your running ability. I am sure that you would be one of the first to argue that non-runners, fun-runners or slow-runners are not 'lesser' people than those who run fast or train seriously. I am so sad that you cannot apply this to yourself, and (please forgive my harsh tone here) don't give me any bullshit about being a worse person and hence needing to compensate through your running achievements - just not true. At all. Your marathon and half-marathon PRs are fantastic (far beyond what I would even aspire to achieve if I trained really hard!) and although I'm not suggesting you should now rest on your laurels and give up on running forever, what are you trying to prove to anyone at this stage? I hope this isn't coming across as berating you for your focus on running... I have a huge amount of compassion for you Jess and I can see you hurting, struggling and torturing yourself with all these thoughts. I just felt I had to shout "No! It doesn't have to be like this!". I am struggling too with thoughts about my own (lack of) worth, fear of failures and an ongoing ed - so writing this to you is also a way of arguing with some of my own thoughts (it's so much easier to see how irrational thoughts are when you hear someone else voicing them isn't it?). With much love and care and good wishes for 2012 - I hope that it will bring some real happiness and a more peaceful relationship with yourself. Bear hugs, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Training: I Cannot Be...

Wed, 7 Dec 2011 18:00:29 +0000

Oh Jess, it is awful to think of you in so much mental pain right now. I wish so much that I could give more comfort than I can with a clumsily-written comment... just massive *hugs*. Please don't disappear from blogging - there are so many people reading that do not view you as despicable or disgusting or anything like that. We value you and care about you and can see how much you are suffering. But continuing blogging (when you feel ready) does NOT mean that you have to reply to every comment - I think that that is an unrealistic standard to hold yourself to, especially in the midst of such struggles. I for one do not expect a reply when I comment - I write because I want to do what I can to offer some comfort and support. I can relate all too well to the kind of torture and fear that you are experiencing. Sleep, sleep, sleep as much as you want - it sounds like it is very much needed. All my love, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Healing (?)

Thu, 1 Dec 2011 22:28:02 +0000

Dear Jess, I'm so sorry that today has brought you so much pain and stress. I know that there is nothing I can do to help with all of the bad news but I just want to offer all the good wishes I can to you and your family. Please try to be as kind to yourself as possible. Don't be ashamed. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You have been battling so hard against your eating disorder, today's stream of upsetting news on top of the cumulative stress of fighting anxiety and an eating disorder allowed the ed a minor win, but that does not matter, it's in the past. So much love to you, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Minority of One

Sun, 20 Nov 2011 23:33:50 +0000

Dearest Jess, as a response to the last three of your posts... all I can offer is internet hugs and let you know that I care about you very much. I can relate to many of the things which you think define you as a 'minority of one', and although I obviously don't have any answers to these problems, I hope that there is some comfort in knowing that you're not alone. Sorry I am not commenting very regularly anymore but please know that I am thinking of you, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : Tell Me More About Yourself...

Sat, 5 Nov 2011 16:36:36 +0000

My sister has joint hypermobility (and I think my joints are more 'mobile' and definitely more noisy than the average person's!) - did you know that there is evidence for a link between joint hypermobility syndrome and panic disorders? http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/article.aspx?arti... (a very interesting study, which found that "women and younger subjects with anxiety disorders were found to be over 20 times more likely to have the joint hypermobility syndrome than their corresponding control subjects. The magnitude of the association is uncommon in medical research.") I learnt Latin at school too! I'm really glad that I did because (I'm a geek, and) it is really helpful in understanding (or rather making an educated guess at) lots of other European languages and scientific names of plants/animals and English words I've never come across before... all sorts of things. Love Latin. Even though my GCSE set texts are still taking up valuable space in my memory (and I occassionally feel the need to recite a few lines of Pliny to confirm my nerd status). I also had a tomboy haircut from the ages of about 7-11 and used to love getting mistaken for a boy. Actually a more accurate description of my haircut would have been 'pudding basin' - just what you need for starting secondary school.... Hope you're having a good weekend dear Jess and thanks for sharing your random facts (we seem to have even more in common the more I find out about you!). Lots of love, x x x

http://www.almostovernow.com/ : She\'s Dead, Gym

Sun, 23 Oct 2011 19:41:58 +0000

Hi Jess I'm so sorry to hear that the gym has become such an uncomfortable place for you to be, whether or not the commenters' intentions are helpful or mean. I'm pretty shocked that people would say some of those things though :-(. One thing I do want to say in relation to this post (and quite a few others now I come to think of it) is "do you think it would be possible for you to let go of the idea that weighing 6 stone (or whatever ideal you might look back longingly at) is synonymous with being in control?" My guess is that restricting to the extent that you would weigh so little was not down to 'self-control' but to obeying the rules and fears of an eating disorder. Anorexics DO NOT have excellent and admirable self-control, they are ruled by fear and disordered thoughts. Losing weight through an eating disorder does NOT represent self-control. I know that I have got a bit shouty here and I don't mean it as criticism of you as a person or what you have written... I'm also writing this as much to myself as I am to you (and anyone else reading who might harbour the same longing for an underweight past that we both do). The shouting is directed at the disordered thoughts that whisper in your ear constantly, telling you that you need to be thinner. I know how much it must suck to feel like you are doing everything possible to control your weight and to still gain, but aspiring towards a pathological level of 'self-control' is not the answer. Much love and huge *hugs* x x x