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'Like that other Tea Partier, Christine O’Donnell, she may have to make an ad explaining herself. I’d suggest, “I’m not a dolt.”' -- Margaret Carlson, Bloomberg.com
It is with deep sadness that I write to inform you that Slappypaddy died in an automobile accident this past New Year's Eve. He and his Apache friend, Matthew, were on their way home from the Catnip Catbox when Matthew's Smart Car was T-boned by a blood-red King-Cab pickup truck sporting a Confederate battle flag and a set of red, white, and blue "truck-nutz."
The truck was driven by Perry Sailin, whose passengers were Donald Christian and Michael Becker "Hoss" Wissel. All three were found to be under the influence of a mixture of rancid broken-leaf tea residue and fermented corn syrup. Several one-pound bricks of cheap bullshit were found in the truck, along with seventeen rifles, four shotguns, seven pistols, and ten thousand rounds of ammunition of various calibers.
According to the police report, the truck ran a stop sign at a speed estimated to be in excess of seventy-six miles per hour. Matthew was killed instantly upon impact. The three men in the truck, having average BMIs of 53.3, were well-protected by their adipose tissue and were uninjured.
Witnesses who arrived at the scene shortly after the accident report that "Hoss" Wissel was pointing at Matthew and repeatedly saying, "That there's one good Injun." Donald Christian was apparently very intoxicated and babbling incoherently about "winning fourteen investigative conspiracies at eighty-eight crossroads at midnight." The responding officer reported that Perry Sailin stated he "objected to the stop sign as an unconstitutional prior restraint on his freedom of expression," and also as an example of "traffic slavery." All three men were booked into the Hell's County Jail on charges of aggravated DUI, public intoxication, manslaughter, and possession of possibly illegal possessions. They were released several hours later on their own recognizance.
Slappypaddy, being a cat, was too small to wear a seat belt or shoulder harness, and was ejected from the Smart Car through its passenger window. His body was found later that morning in a gutter near the accident site. He has been buried with full feline honors at the foot of the forget-me-not patch. While his will has not yet been probated, I have seen a copy and know that he left his "p-points" to whoever could best make use of them, and his cardboard box to the Hell's County animal shelter. Donations can be made in his memory to your own local animal shelter.
Yours in love and squalor,
The Man Behind the Curtain
"Time heals the living but the dead are nothing." -- Euripides, "Alcestis"
happy christian new year, all you heathens!
how could we have let ourselves sink so low as a people, when we could have been free and dead?