I really think the single most unattractive quality if you want to make a connection with other people is bitter anger. There is literally nothing anyone else can do to have a good time with you. They can't agree with it, they can't disagree with it, and they can't ignore it, because any and all of these responses just fuel it in different ways.

So -- as a potential acquaintance or date -- you get the prospect of hanging out with someone to be their emotional toilet dumping ground, and hey, it never gets better. It pretty much only ramps up, kind of like certain comment section threads.

I get that bitter anger is even more toxic to experience. When you're in the midst of that, it can seem impossible to find a way out. That's awful. It's awful, and nobody can help you. You have to be willing to see it and let go of it yourself, at least a little, before anyone else can even get near.

Hang in there, man.

Vulnerable is the sticky part. It really is. Even when it's good, vulnerable always means hurting eventually, at least part of the time. I hate vulnerable.

I also kind of dig it. This might not work for you, but the pain of being vulnerable reminds me that I'm bigger than this. So when I'm afraid of being vulnerable, it's like being in a dialogue with myself where I explicitly tell myself I am afraid and not tough enough to withstand it. In contrast, when I let myself be vulnerable judiciously, it's like being in a dialogue with myself where I say eff it, I'm tougher than this. I really like that even more than I hate the pain.

It's like working out or getting my teeth cleaned. A part of me revels in it. It's a good pain, and every time I remind myself I am tougher than I am afraid.

Absolute checklists are appealing because they give the illusion of control. None of us are really in control when it comes to relationships, nor should we be. Relationships are about autonomous choices on both sides. It's hard to give up on the illusion of control, but when you work on your own resilience and adaptability to different situations, you exercise the only control you really have -- the control over what you bring to them.

Yep. It's hard to get comfortable with vagueness, but it's really all we have. I don't think there is ever a checklist which will work as a tickety-boo, knock off everything on the list and whew! you know you'll be "enough." Not for a job, and not for a relationship.

Checklists are rough guides, but they are only half the picture. There isn't a threshold of worthiness - a better metaphor is lock and key. Are you a good fit for this situation? Part of making yourself a good fit for multiple different situation is building up your resilience and toolkit. If it's for a job, you develop different measurable skills, sure, but you learn how to think on your feet in an interview (this can be taught with preparation), you develop skills like self-organization and working well with others, and you find a place that fits you, where you fit, too.

Same for a relationship. The building blocks are a little different -- good hygiene, a variety of interests to talk about, conversational skills, emotional stability, and so on. Still doesn't guarantee any given person will be the right fit for you, but yu do broaden your options tremendously.

Fkloa, you do make sense. You are not in a comfortable space. I don't think pushing her further--and bringing up your feelings again is pushing, even if it does not feel like that to you--will help either of you.

You state that you feel hopeless about this aspect of your life, at least hopeless about her and happiness. At some point this becomes liberating. Really, the only recourse is to turn out back into the world and find something to be passionate about that isn't her. Sure, it may not be what you think will be the theoretical best for you, but it will be something better than what you have now. If you stay friends, being involved in things Not-Her takes some of the weight off your interactions and gives you something more than yearning to bring to the table. And regardless of whether she wants to share that with you someday, it will be yours, and that's its own comfort.

When you really love something, you can lose yourself in it. That can happen with writing, or sports, or art, or any number of things. Losing yourself can be such a relief for people that live in their own heads, and it does (oddly) make you more attractive to others. Kind of a Catch-22, though. You have to want it for its own sake for any of the magic to come. Good luck.