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7 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 0 replies · +29 points

Good on you for taking an African American history class! Some of my white friends in college saw it as something of a joke of an elective class *sighs*

Anyway, I see the whole Mammy/Jezebel thing less often in real life and more often in media but I do not doubt other black women have to deal with these stereotypes. The link you provided gave some awesome examples. When I was in college (I went to a predominantly white institution) the stereotypes I was expected to fill were either sassy-finger snapping-black-sidekick friend or angry-loud-black girl. These sucked in their own way. I don't think many of my male classmates saw me as someone who was sexually available or even available in a platonic way.

I can't speak for other black women's experiences.

7 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 5 replies · +39 points

The rest of my comment got cut off, continued:

The world feeds black women subtle messages that we just aren't as desirable as women of other ethnicities. Our noses too wide, our lips too thick, our foreheads too high, our butts too big, etc. We are too loud, too aggressive, too masculine (look at what people have to say about Serena Williams!) Let me tell you IT'S ALL BULLSHIT! I internalized those messages at a young age and I really believed that I was ugly and undesirable. It was only recently that I realized I had been fed a steady diet of lies. I took time off from dating, I traveled, I did some introspection and I realized that I am an awesome person. I'm an amazing person, I'm capable of great things. I don't need approval from basic ass men to validate me. Being a black woman in this country is a hard row to hoe (being a black nerd girl is astronomically difficult.) Our struggles are invisible to others, our pain is minimized, and if we speak up we are not taken seriously. LW1 if you want to rant or if you want advice please ask for my email and I will provide it. I think black women need all the support they can get.

7 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 6 replies · +40 points

Coming out of my lurk cave for the sake of LW1. I am not the daughter of immigrants but I am a young (22 year old) black woman living in the US. I just want to say that I feel you so so so so so much!! You are not alone! You're experiences are not at all uncommon. I went through something similar. And I swear to god if I had a dollar for every time some guy told me (online and in real life) that he "just wasn't into black chicks" I'd be Scrooge McDuck rich. That isn't to say that I haven't been told that I was beautiful. People tell me that a lot actually and I don't doubt you are beautiful with your dark skin and curvy silhouette. I realize now that people see my beauty as more of a novelty and less as something that makes me desirable as a romantic partner. Perhaps you are experiencing the same thing.

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - How To Approach Women ... · 0 replies · +6 points

This isn't exactly an article but one way I try to differentiate between being respectful and being a "suck up" is establishing firm boundaries with people (and with myself.) I do my best to be kind and courteous with other people. However, if I believe someone is taking advantage of me, I put the brakes on that interaction. Basically I learned how to use the word "NO". You (the general "you") don't have to be a simpering people pleaser to be a respectful human being.

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 0 replies · +7 points

LW1: I sort of stumbled into having a threesome. I was dating this polyamorous guy and he suggested we have a threesome with his girlfriend. He knew that I liked women but I had never actually been with one sexually. I think the reason why him pitching the threesome idea worked was because 1. he knew I was already open to the idea, 2. we were already in a sexual relationship and very comfortable discussing our sexual fantasies with each other, and 3. we didn't have a rose-tinted past between us that would have been "sullied" if the threesome went sour.

With your friend, the relationship is still new enough where she might not need to worry so much about "what does this mean for our Friendship." On the other hand, if sex wasn't something that you discuss very much with this friend it may be a little tricky to bring up. But you say your friend told you that she and her husband were looking for a unicorn, that seems like a good sign. You can at least talk about these things. Maybe "planting the seed", as the Doctor said, is a good way to begin so your friend knows you're into the same things. I'm not sure, this is advanced stuff. Good luck!

8 years ago @ The Toast - Growing Into My Racial... · 0 replies · +11 points

I have had almost the exact same experience as you growing up. I got the name oreo, my white friends insisted I wasn't black, and there were times that I felt a strange sort of shame about not fitting in the categories the world created for me. But like you, I'm also beginning to grow into to my blackness and honestly it's a wonderful experience. I finally feel free and comfortable in my own skin.