8 comments posted · 18 followers · following 0

7 years ago @ The Toast - Childhood Magic Spells... · 2 replies · +16 points

1. Light as a feather, stiff as a board is real and possible and happened and no science-y double speak is going to convince me otherwise. Adolescent girls understand things physics can't explain.

2. Should I confess to my childhood friends that all the times we "communed with spirits" using a Ouija board, the spirit was actually me subtlety moving the planchette around?

And because I was the designated Secret Keeper of the group, I'd sometimes allude to things I knew and watch them start to work up a cold-sweat at the notion that not only are ghosts real, but they know you've got a crush on that grody kid in social studies who always eats his pen caps.

I NEVER ACTUALLY SPILLED THE SECRETS! I mean, I'm not a complete monster. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't take a perverse pleasure in exercising that measly bit of power. I always swore up and down I wasn't moving my fingers that it was the poltergeist. But it was me. Every damn time. God I loved that game. ...Yeah, I should probably talk to a therapist about that.

3. Bloody Mary is a walk in the park. Kids in Chicago turned off the lights and said "Candyman" in the bathroom mirror if they wanted to prove they weren't scaredy cats. On a related note, I am a card carrying member of the Scaredy Cat Alliance because that movie is no goddamn joke.

7 years ago @ The Toast - Aunt Acid: When Friend... · 0 replies · +18 points

Just reread some of the Hyperbole and a Half book earlier today. Her explanations on depression should be in textbooks. It's almost unnerving when someone describes so accurately and succinctly something you've struggled to articulate for years.

7 years ago @ The Toast - Everything That's Wron... · 0 replies · +5 points

Geese are my archenemy. I've been hissed at and menaced by them for years. Parts of the lakefront path in Chicago were well known as Goose territory and you encroached at your own risk.

I mean, I'm a vegetarian and love all god's creatures but I'd kill those suckers for sport.

7 years ago @ The Toast - Let's Talk About The B... · 1 reply · +5 points

Tell me about this porn-related doctorate...

7 years ago @ The Toast - Link Roundup! · 0 replies · +2 points

If anyone is near Chicago, a great documentary called THE BABUSHKAS OF CHERNOBYL is playing at the Siskel Film Center until the 28th!

7 years ago @ The Toast - Link Roundup! · 0 replies · +1 points

Alternative Spring Break trip to New Orleans in 2010. Group of 30ish college students got NORO virus.

Walking into the bathroom was like a warzone.

Bodies everywhere, people moaning in pain, sweaty.

The CDC came and interviewed us and took samples. Those people looked waaaay too happy to be handed specimen cups of explosive diarrhea.

7 years ago @ The Toast - Link Roundup! · 0 replies · +1 points

Somewhat related, my brother has become BFFs with our longhaired chihuahua. His name is Mr. Man, he's 14 years old, and charms everyone he meets my maintaining his surly attitude while being held like a baby. <blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-version="6" style=" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:658px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);"><div style="padding:8px;"> <div style=" background:#F8F8F8; line-height:0; margin-top:40px; padding:50.0% 0; text-align:center; width:100%;"> <div style=" background:url(data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACwAAAAsCAMAAAApWqozAAAAGFBMVEUiIiI9PT0eHh4gIB4hIBkcHBwcHBwcHBydr+JQAAAACHRSTlMABA4YHyQsM5jtaMwAAADfSURBVDjL7ZVBEgMhCAQBAf//42xcNbpAqakcM0ftUmFAAIBE81IqBJdS3lS6zs3bIpB9WED3YYXFPmHRfT8sgyrCP1x8uEUxLMzNWElFOYCV6mHWWwMzdPEKHlhLw7NWJqkHc4uIZphavDzA2JPzUDsBZziNae2S6owH8xPmX8G7zzgKEOPUoYHvGz1TBCxMkd3kwNVbU0gKHkx+iZILf77IofhrY1nYFnB/lQPb79drWOyJVa/DAvg9B/rLB4cC+Nqgdz/TvBbBnr6GBReqn/nRmDgaQEej7WhonozjF+Y2I/fZou/qAAAAAElFTkSuQmCC); display:block; height:44px; margin:0 auto -44px; position:relative; top:-22px; width:44px;"></div></div><p style=" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;">A photo posted by Laura Kozak (@laurakozak) on <time style=" font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px;" datetime="2015-12-25T22:50:14+00:00">Dec 25, 2015 at 2:50pm PST</time></div>
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7 years ago @ The Toast - The Pledge I Assume Al... · 0 replies · +12 points

"to always ask my patients about dental procedures they had as a kid, as if they have any memory of that other than playing Pac-Man in the waiting room."

Funnily enough, I went back to my childhood dentist as college grad. They said since they still had my old file they'd just update it. The dentist asked if I had managed to stop sucking my thumb since my last visit.