Welp this is a super late reply, but I wanted to say I really enjoyed your essay, I have been deeply curious about your conversion process, and am deeply envious of your God thing, and it sparked some thoughts I have been skirting around and am interested in/terrified by.

I have had bad moments where I have asked for assistance here/on the Pin + from my little IRL community + from an empty room + anybody who might have been listening in it. No reply so far from anyone but my community + from the wonderful Pinners/Toasties. It doesn't help that I have super specific preferences for what reply I would like - like, could Mary - either or both of the Catholic tradition or any of the Marys from the various syncretic traditions - be there? Anyone from any tradition is fine, but I would prefer a female-identifying person! Pls? - so that's not helpful.

It also doesn't help that I, staunch atheist raised by 1 staunch atheist & 1 deeply anti-religion atheist, would interpret anything as being a product of my broken mind. It thirdly doesn't help that I am, staunch atheist or no, already deeply terrified of the whole demon/possession trope (see: broken mind, overwhelming fear of loss of control, etc., etc., I really identify with Alex Reagan on The Black Tapes) and so I feel like opening myself up to believing in something higher would also mean opening myself up to believing in that, and ... that is genuinely, 100% terrifying to me.

And that puts me at kind of a stopping point. But it was a really beautiful essay.

BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF ONCE AND FOR ALL DEMANDING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT AND FINALLY HEARING A DIRECT “NO”

Just gonna, um, go cry quietly and throw up in the corner for a little bit, bye

....are we married? Am I married to everyone in this thread? Because I do this & I don't know why & am thus far unable to stop, to the point of apologizing for having apologized for something that is demonstrably not my fault. It is deeply frustrating for all parties.

(Sorry)