OH WEIRD! The picture is the Penzey's in my (thoroughly conservative) home town! You couldn't have chosen a better image to represent the idea behind this article!

**Has a facsimile skull in bedroom with "Et in Arcadia ego" chiseled into the forehead**

**Slinks away, crestfallen**

THE PORTRAIT OF THE LABRADOR! That thing graced my familial hearth for years! The kitsch! It all floods back! AHHHHH!

Shhhhhh... If you name it, it will disappear! Just relax and have some fruit >:)

"Calla Lily- a cat has your heart and will not return it."

Chrysanthemum: feed to cat, reclaim heart.

I just imagined every one of these as read by Will Arnette...

Filed under "Reilly, Ignatius J."!

"Thy son cavorts with a creepy old man."

Creepy? What mean'st thou creepy?

< /a>

What is the GF alternative? Last I heard, The Catholics refused to deviate from "Original Recipe" wafers...

12-year veteran of Catholic education here, including 4 years at a bona fide European-style choir school (complete with adorable cassocks and surplusses) and 4 years with the Jesuits (who are basically the Spooky Jedi of The Catholic Church); so I had the Doctrine of Transubstantiation well beaten into me by approximately age 9. I remember it very fondly as one of the first and greatest WTF moments of my life...

Fast forward 16 years: Adult Me feels that he misses #SavoringTheSavior and decides to order nostalgic unconsecrated communion wafers to the apartment...

Things I learned from this experience:

1. The nutrition facts for communion wafers are problematic. They're basically copy-pasted from a bottle of water. Yes-- the manufacturers of communion wafers claim that they are completely devoid of nutritional content.

2. There are no post-transubstantiation nutrition facts posted on the box... Is nourishment of the soul outside of the purview of the FDA?

3. They do not, in fact, taste better with milk. They make terrible cereal.

4. They look very good in a little candy dish on my coffee table.

5. "No, it's not even remotely Jesus, you guys, it hasn't been consecrated!", though theologically sound, is not an argument that will remove the horror from the eyes of your roommates as they watch you playing around with communion wafers for a lark.