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can anybody tell me about the Durham/Raleigh/Chapel Hill area of NC??? I've lived in major northeastern cities my whole life and desperately need a change of pace, but I've never been to the area. I want to live in a warmer, smaller, but still diverse & artistic place... any thoughts on Durham in particular?
in my case, I'm the youngest sibling, but it was my older 2 siblings that were allowed to live at home well into their 20s without contributing to rent/utilities, often without even having a job of their own but depending entirely on my mother.
my mom confided in me that she wanted these siblings to leave, but felt too guilty to ask them to. she would ask me, "does that make me a bad mother?" what was sad about all this was that my mom was doing it because she wanted to care for these siblings as best she could, but by allowing them to live off of her for so long rather than encouraging them to move out, she was essentially conveying to them that she doubted that they could make it on their own, which is a really harmful message to send to your kids. when they eventually did move out, it was notably more difficult for them to learn to stand on their own 2 legs than it was for me (I haven't lived at home since 18). these things are so tied up in insecurity/anxiety/self-efficacy, I think it's rarely just plain laziness. the more years you've gone on without ever being independent, the less sure you are of your ability to do so; you can come up with all sorts of reasons why it's supposedly just not doable for you. sadly, nobody else can convince you that you're capable -- you have to see it for yourself by doing it.
one of these siblings still resents having been kicked out, and struggles a lot with being independent. the other sibling thinks being kicked out was the best thing that happened to him, and is financially independent now, but still in denial about how much preferential treatment he received, and well, I'm not going to argue with him about it at this point.
I think without my gentle nudging & reassuring my mom that kicking them out actually WAS the most caring and loving thing to do for her children, she would have waited who knows how long. it only worked because she had already confided in me that the reason she didn't kick them out was guilt, and she was at a sort of breaking point because my siblings were sucking her dry and she was going broke.
hopefully some day things with your sister will change, for everyone's sake. I totally empathize with how frustrating it is. & in the meantime I agree with the advice others have already written.