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Look at her eyes my friends. Look at her eyes. (Seriously I do love this song ... but total dirtbag status. Upfront dirtbag which is something I suppose.)
*shout out to my fellow sufferers from haunting by ghosts of Mormonism past! The struggle is real. +20 points to anyone else who told their seminary classmates that they'd rather be a mere ministering angel than end up in some posthumous polygamous eternity marriage endlessly producing "spirit babies". :D Ahhh.
:< It's super disheartening when something you thought was going to be fulfilling turns into something you can't stand. It sounds like these meetings are actually harming the org more than anything.
What about your boss? I would want to know if my org were driving itself and my employees off a cliff because of easily fixed process stuff. Once the back biting and mistrust starts it take a long time and lots of intentional team building to regain it.
Anywho, *hugs*. If it doesn't get better maybe tactfully excuse yourself from future meetings ala : I'm really invested in the outcomes of these meetings but I have crucial mission oriented activities I need to attend to and am leaving conversation in your "capable" hands let me know if you need my input?
Is there anyone else you can enlist in the cause of better meeting organization/practices?
<3 Don't give up!
Beowulf himself is mostly uninteresting but all the other characters are well developed, multi-dimensional, and have surprising motivations and character arcs. The politics of trade unions and terrible fathers and mob justice and over ambitious innovations in governance is to die for. Also and finally there are SOOO many great female characters and they are all TERRIFYING in the best ways. AHHHH.
The only play the show is getting online is about how it's not game of thrones/is a knockoff, is not Beowulf (which obviously - the epic poem is Beowulf the show needed space to tread new ground) and how boring the first episode was. Yes it was terrible.
Where do you feel your strongest talents lay? Is there anyway you can employ those to help push the meeting in a more: empathetic? well organized? better listening? more structured? less tense and more humorous etc etc direction? Facilitating is hard and I'm sure your person knows they don't have a good handle on the room.
Ultimately though what I would do is 1) Try to listen for the underlying reasons people are talking about the issues/taking stances the way they are and trying to understand and speak to those as a way to stay engaged and move forward without going totally insane and/or 2) Be the person who calls out emotional fatigue/need to take a break and regroup/people not being listened/needing to break into smaller working groups to etc.
You shouldn't have to be the one to do any/all of those things but it sounds like you've got a leadership vacuum that will only get better if someone steps into it.
Whoooo! Ok, I'm good now ... I think. As both someone who identifies as both things the eerie sense of familiarity with what you were saying and how you expressed it was momentarily overwhelming.
That constant sense of uncertainty and how weird it is to try and define yourself as something you're not/don't think you've ever experienced can be crushing. You put that into words impeccably.
I think I've transitioned to a phase in my asexuality where I feel more like claiming it, not necessarily more certain, but more willing to go beyond the uncertainty and embrace this thing. It's scary and I don't really know how to talk about it in person yet. I've made some slightly disastrous attempts but so it goes. :-)
Anyway, thanks for writing this piece. <3
Why would you do this to me??!!
Sigh, sob, smile.