ViolaChick99

ViolaChick99

61p

5 comments posted · 4 followers · following 0

7 years ago @ The Toast - On Money, Anxiety, and... · 1 reply · +5 points

Hi Nikki,

I'm so sorry to hear about your family member's dental problems. :( I'm not sure where they are living, but it's totally possible there is a low-cost, sliding-scale dental clinic in the area. The dentists were really great and highly skilled and were donating their time to the community.

After grad school and before I got dental insurance they helped me out with a root canal.

Another resource: Dental schools (though they may have significant wait times). Another resource: Your state dental association. They will know of resources that may not be as publicized, but may be just what you are looking for.

Google "low cost dental clinic [Your Area]"
HTH :-)

8 years ago @ The Toast - Hard Luck: On Motherle... · 0 replies · +2 points

Hi Biblioholic,
It sounds like we had completely different mothers (mine told me every day that I was her "earthly punishment," the worst thing that ever happened to her, would rather accept a used kleenex than a hug from her daughter) but your last sentence describes me to a T.

The aloneness, the toughness, the self-sufficiency. I have never truly let myself be vulnerable and depend on another person, but I wish I could. (It does provide a unique sense of perspective and humor: People will get down on the stereotype of "dwelling in their mom's basement and mooching off homemade food," whereas I will see that as aspirational and living the dream. ;-P )

I tried to change these things about myself but never could beyond a social facade. The weirdest part is that facade is enough to fool most people. My nickname was "Sunshine" and people expressed surprise that I was ever angry or upset. Pal, if you only knew!

Anyway, thank you for describing the experience so well. Peace--

PS: I think part of the "tragic figure" stuff, for me at least, was that it almost felt like tragedy was somehow *contagious*. Like if it happened to me, it could happen to them and that was something no one wanted to think about. I mean, I get it. But still.

8 years ago @ The Toast - Hard Luck: On Motherle... · 1 reply · +3 points

Hi Mme Siniichulok,

I think I know what you're talking about. It seems horribly ironic, doesn't it? That the person who missed out on the nurturing, support and mothering is the one called to do it for others?

My experiences provided the thinnest of veneer of instant maturity: I was a teen, but as one of my friends at the time said, "became the oldest adult in the world, overnight." The only way to survive was depend strictly on myself.

On the outside, losing your mother/parents at a young age forces you to get your act together, ASAP. Vulnerability, neediness, wanting someone to tell you everything is going to be OK-- these things become luxuries you just can't afford.

On the surface, it looks like you've got it all together. And to cope with people's profound discomfort that your situation might happen to them someday, you've learned to do it all with an upbeat attitude that puts other people at ease.

So it's not surprising when other people don't look past the surface, say "You're so strong!" and look to you for comfort. :-/ For me, I keep those people strictly at a "friendly acquaintanceship" level, just for self-preservation.

8 years ago @ The Toast - Hard Luck: On Motherle... · 1 reply · +9 points

Oh man, my only regret is that I have but one upvote to give. ;-)

After losing my mom, I grasped for what my therapist calls "reclaiming the narrative," like a drowning person going for air.

I don't know if you're familiar with the concept of the sacred wound? Essentially it is that our most painful, core wounding is also the source of our greatest gifts. I don't just mean gifts like freedom from mom-related drama (though there is that ;-P ), but that things like profound empathy, emotional generosity, creativity, drive, etc are borne from it, if you let them.

After losing my mom, it felt like "real life" was so EASY that I found it pretty hard to relate to people. Why were people complaining about homework?! After this loss, what was there to be afraid of? Like Hannibal (the Catharginian, not Lecter, haha), I will either find a way, or make one.

So, definitely not so compassionate sometimes, too. I try to take keen notice when someone ticks me off; the little rage-flare is like a homing device to my most unhealed places.

8 years ago @ The Toast - Hard Luck: On Motherle... · 0 replies · +11 points

Hi LadyRaptorClaws,

I hope it's okay to reply to this, as your comment really resonated with me. My mom was someone who should have never, EVER had kids, or even pets.

Then when I was a teen she died (cancer; my dad, earlier, a brain tumor). My first feeling was *relief*, which I could never say in public because people IRL didn't know what she was like behind closed doors. :-/

The shame of the truth, the longing for a mom who will not abuse you, the loss... it's IMMENSE. The worst part has been the part I can't talk about:

In so many ways, her death set me free. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to reconcile all the feelings within me.

Growing up, I had been the quietest, most scared mouse you can imagine. Raising my hand in class -- speaking out loud-- put knots in my stomach. But after she was gone... it was this very strange emotional landscape. There was nothing to be afraid of, which was so (this word sounds INCREDIBLY wrong), exhilarating.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you. I don't know if this is any help, but going forward my mode has been this:

What choices would I make if I had a beloved daughter who I loved with every breath, and this was happening to her? Then the answers come very clearly. Peace to you--