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My dad likes to joke that wrestling taught him he was straight, because he never thought "I wonder what he's doing later?" during a match when some other dude's crotch was in his face.
With all it's downsides, I think going home will be good for me. I have friends here, but my support system is stronger at home. There's less drama, and I won't go to much into what a bunch of assholes some of my fellow students are. I've mentioned things with that before. It's sad, because it feels a lot like being in high school again, and I sometimes feel like the hateful angry rageball I was then. I'm not becoming the rageball, but I sometimes feel that way. I guess one of the advantages of undergrad was that I only really had to get to know someone if I wanted to, or if I had to know them through class I didn't have to deal with them outside of it. Here, we're all stuck in the same classes with the same people in the same building, all day, and there's a lot of drama and crap.
Right now I'm just really stressed because I haven't found an internship. The career development people here like to tell us how IMPORTANT it is to get an INTERNSHIP because EMPLOYERS WANT INTERNSHIPS and if you DON'T get an internship, you will NEVER get a JOB. Then the financial aid people tell us we have NO MONEY and we are going to STARVE and DIE if we don't get MONEY and we're not supposed to have FUN because we need MONEY. And then the career development people tell us YOU need a JOB because NEXT YEAR you will pick the JOB you have FOREVER, and if you DON'T, you will STARVE and DIE. But when I ask my career advisor for help... *shrug.* But everything is DIRE and IMPORTANT and I'm a FAILURE because I can't get an INTERNSHIP.
So, I'm going home. I'm going to volunteer with some of the legal services in the area. There are fewer opportunities overall, but there's also less competition. And hey, maybe I can get my driver's license while I'm at it!
I'm stressed out about not having an internship, but I'm looking to at least find some volunteer work back home that's law-related. It's not the best option, but I need something on my resume. Right now, it's all substitute teacher/ed tech/summer after-school program aide/LEGO robotics aide. I applied to more than a dozen places and only heard back from one.
One of the interviewers looks at my resume and concludes "You've done a lot of engineering work for that not having been your major."
I *occasionally* teach nine-year-olds how to program LEGO robots. I'm a SUBSTITUTE TEACHER/ED TECH. I teach math, science, history, and English. I also work in the Life Skills division of the Special Education department when they need help. I teach eight graders algebra because I'm literally the only person my former Gifted/Talented math teacher trusts in there when he can't be.
That, more than anything else, really bothers me. If she had looked at my resume and concluded I'd done a lot of teaching for not being an education major, that would have made sense. My entire resume is full of teaching, except for some political campaigning I did back in 2012 to help win marriage equality for my state (and we won!!). But no. She looks at my resume and somehow decides my resume says "Engineer," which I think is an insult to engineers everywhere. Heck, it would've even made more sense to conclude I've done a lot of computer science work, because at least there's (very simple) programming involved. I guess it was nice to know they didn't give a damn.
3:30 AM is when I start thinking I need to sleep, that if I can just sleep through the bad feelings I'll make it to morning. 3:30 AM is when I curl up against whatever comfort I can find - a stuffed animal, a blanket, a pillow - and try to ignore the thoughts. 3:30 AM is when I'm in denial.
3:45 AM is when I'm mad, I'm furious. 3:45 AM is when I angrily deny all the stupid shit my brain is whispering to itself. 3:45 AM is when I savagely cling onto everything that makes me happy, every thing I have that makes getting up in the morning worthwhile.
4 AM is when I finally fall asleep again.
8 AM is when I get up. Sometimes I feel good. Other times I feel bad. Recently, it's been more bad than good. But the semester's almost over, and I'm going home soon. I'm happy to be going back to living with my boyfriend, but it's not an ideal situation. It would have been better for me to get a job out here. There aren't a lot of opportunities back home. I'm glad we won't have to deal with the distance for a summer, but there are a lot of tradeoffs that make it difficult.
And my stepmother will probably give me hell. She likes to tell me I'm a failure. I worry that we'll finally have the falling out that's been five years in the making, and that I won't be able to see my dad anymore. It's weird to think I'm less scared of my mother now than I am of my step mother. It always used to be that my step mother was loving an my mother was abusive. Now my mother's... a racist homophobic Islamophobic hateful bitch... but she actually almost sorta feels like a mommy, kinda, sorta, maybe. And my stepmother is a... in-denial-racist Islamophobic hateful bitch who tells me I'm a failure and thinks I'm just a burden, even though she doesn't pay for my anything anymore.
And I don't want anyone to worry. I'm doing okay. Not great, but okay. I just wanted to vent a little. I'm also really looking forward to going home, because I haven't been able to do basically any fencing or martial arts all year. I've come to really appreciate how much the physical activity helps me. I've tried to patch things up with going to the gym, but I just can't make working out in a gym enjoyable for myself. I've been thinking into looking into some dance classes, because I'm interested in learning, but it's been hard to fit things into my schedule.
You admit there may be some women who are attracted to you. However, you dismiss them as "falling so far off the mark that they don't even register as sexual beings on my radar." Well buddy, guess what: if we swapped things around, and society expected the women to be the askers-out, THESE ARE THE WOMEN WHO WOULD BE ASKING YOU OUT.
That is, if you even get asked out. Because it turns out that not all women get asked out. Some of us, perhaps many of us, fall so far off the mark we don't even register as sexual beings.