Man. I watched this show....religiously.

I'll be here all night.

Probably on youtube watching clips of this show now.

Also, the episode where the main lady angel dons blackface to see how horrible it was to be black in rural America was my first stirring at like, 11 years old, of "Ummm, I don't think that's right."

I love the first one. I should do the same with my kitty baby. It's so easy to have other stuff to do, you know?

This is a shameful, but we once received a whole cake. No idea who it was from or to who. There was no note or anything. It could have been an arsenic cake for all the Boyfriend and I knew. But we ate it. And it was delicious.

Handy tip for surviving family get togethers when your family is populated with awful windbags! Fill some manner of vessel with some manner of booze. Begin drinking when awful windbag begins talking. Do not stop drinking until the windbaggery has ceased.

Happy holidays, everybody! Finding The Toast was probably one of the things to happen to me this year, sooooo, thanks, pals! Every post I read either makes me laugh or think, and this is one of the only sites on the interwubz where you *have* to read the comments. You guys are all so awesome. :)

So this is super late, so nobody is going to read this, but I really feel like maybe if I can figure out how to accurately articulate what I'm going through, something will click and someone will have exactly the right answer and then life will be puppies and rainbows.

Basically, I've been suffering from depression and anxiety for the whole of my adult life. It has been left untreated, as I have never had health insurance for long enough to actually do anything about it. Previously, I've attempted Effexor, which I was on for a month before my insurance lapsed. I've also gone to one session with a therapist (which was basically just her introducing herself at me for an hour). I've gone through a free counseling program at a local college. When I first started, I found out some pretty horrible family stuff, so I was not at my baseline. Throughout the course of the program, I did regain my baseline, which my student therapist and his supervisor took to be massive improvement.

Besides my already established depression and anxiety, I have had just...just the shittiest year. Both of my parents died within months of each other. My fiance and I broke up for about three days, which was just long enough for us to have had to make separate living arrangements, because our landlord sprung it on us that they would not be renewing our month to month lease. I was in a relatively minor car accident, which nonetheless totalled the car I've had for almost a decade. My fiance and I lived with his two brothers and my best friend for three years, and that was the closest thing to experiencing a real family that I've ever had. Now I live alone.

I have zero motivation to do anything except that which absolutely has to get done (like go to work and shower) and watch a lot of tv. I have dishes in my sink from September. I have done basically nothing for school. I'm trying to work full time (because I have to) and go to school full time (because I have to) and it is not working out. I'm pretty sure that the highest grade I'm going to get this semester is a C-, while I failed the other classes.

While I've never actually made a serious attempt, thoughts of suicide are pretty constant. What's particularly disheartening is how matter-of-fact they are somtimes. I'll be walking down the hallway and in one second I'll be thinking about what I might like to eat for dinner, and then with no linear process, the next thought will be about throwing myself off of the parking garage. Honestly, I feel like the only things that are stopping me from doing anything serious is that I know it would have to be something instantaneous or my last conscious moments will be of agonized panic, which I don't want.

I finally have a good job, with benefits. I like the work, I like the people, and I feel like I have a real shot at being a real person, especially if I have a chance to see a doctor and get treatment. But, I get so paralyzed and anxious, and at the same time just numb, especially when I have to go do something. I also have fuzzy thinking a lot of the time, and get confused easily. This has led to me being late for work too many times already. If my boss had given the information to her supervisor, I'd already have been fired. So basically, I live in perpetual fear that I'm going to make a mistake punching in or out, which only ramps up my feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. On Friday, for example, I was closing, and sometimes when you close, the time you leave isn't set in stone. I had told my ride that I'd be done at 7, and we ended up running until 7:20. I was so worried and anxious about making my boyfriend wait, that I am abut 87% sure I forgot to punch out. This could very well be the last straw. Tomorrow could very well be my last day. So my boyfriend and I are driving away, I realize I forgot to punch out, freak out, demand that he turn around in a hurry so I can try and punch out before someone notices, and a cop pulls him over for blowing a stop sign neither of us saw.

Then, the next day, as we're trying to finish up some Christmas shopping, he gets a flat tire. We had already had to cancel our Christmas getaway weekend because my car is in the shop, and now his car is extremely limited in its usability.

I just feel like I'm constantly under a black cloud. Horrible things keep happening to me, and honestly, I don't see that ever changing. I feel like horrible things will just keep happening, and I don't understand why I should want to stick around for it.

So anyways, I'm probably going to lose my job tomorrow, meaning I'll lose my benefits and any abiliity I might have had to work on my depression and anxiety which make it extremely difficult for me to keep a job, which provides benefits. It's a catch-22.

There should be like, group homes for people with depression. I just want like, someone to come over and wash my dishes, and for like, a three month break from having to work lest I become homeless.

Life is really hard, you guyyyyyyys.

The Toast has just, completely ruined my life goals. All I want now is a rambling old manse on some grey, windswept coast to pen my musings in, while wearing dressing gowns, drinking a lot of tea, and generally eschewing other people's company.

I hadn't seen that strip! Yeah, I know them feels pretty well. I do have health insurance at the new job, which is why it's even worse to contemplate losing it for such a stupid reason.

I was on time today, so that was good.

Thanks for the good thoughts!

I think everything will turn out just fine. (When I'm feeling particularly hopeless, I ask Boyfriend to tell me about the rabbits.)

No injuries, but maaaajor stress. I've spent a long time, like, at least 5 years or longer, without any health insurance, so my chronic depression and anxiety have gone undiagnosed and untreated. One of the things the anxiety creates is this like, complete inability to do the things that I have to do. I'll be getting dressed and just end up staring at a sock for ten minutes. So I just started a new job. A fantastic job that pays more than I've ever earned by a wide margin, and I love it and absolutely do not want to lose it, and yet I'm very close to losing it because I can't get there on time. How stupid is that? That's like, bare minimum! Get there on time! So I'm pretty stressed about that. Which just causes more anxiety and it's all a vicious circle. :-/