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6 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 1 reply · +3 points


6 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 5 replies · +3 points

If you're registered at the Nerdlove forums you can PM me there (same username, without underscore--I'm not currently active there but I get notified of PMs) or email me at (I don't recommend this in general as I usually only check that email when I see comments I'm concerned about, but if you comment when you've emailed, I'll go look).

6 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 9 replies · +3 points

It's not DF unless he's moved states in the last couple months.

6 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 13 replies · +5 points

Oh, no, not that person. The person I'm seeing commonalities between also presented as a man frustrated with his dating prospects because of physical factors (I can't remember if he mentioned his race or height specifically). The tone was somewhat different, though--otherwise I'd be more sure it was the same commenter.

6 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 16 replies · +11 points

Okay, I'm being extra cautious about checking anyone whose comments seem to be heading in an at all bad direction lately, and I can't say 100% for sure, but on the mod-ly end of things, I'm seeing a couple of reasons to suspect that DD is the same commenter as one of a different name who caused a massive derail and had to be shut down by mods last week.

So. If DD comes back and seems to be responding thoughtfully to what people have said and accepting that at least some of his thinking may be wrong, this could be just a coincidence--great! But if he comes back and doubles down or goes off on a different negative tangent or anything else like that, I'd ask that people not engage.


6 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: How ... · 2 replies · +21 points


DD, I know you said you're leaving, but if you happen to still be reading this thread--or for anyone thinking similar thoughts who is reading--let me try to frame this in terms directly relevant to you.

Imagine someone you pass on the street shouts at you that you're "such a dick." Would that make you feel like your sexuality is being acknowledged just because they're referencing a body part used in sex?

Imagine someone kicks you in the balls. Would that make you feel like your sexuality is being acknowledged just because they touched a body part used in sex?

I'm guessing no in both cases. Well, the words that get said to women by harassers and the actions done as part of an assault feel exactly the same: like insults and attacks, meant to hurt and assert dominance over. Women get hit in "sexual" type spots for the exact same reason someone who wanted to hurt you might kick you in the balls, because the people harassing/assaulting us know it's a spot where we're vulnerable, where they can do more damage. It's no more an indication that they find us personally attractive than being kicked in the balls indicates the kicker finds the kickee personally attractive.

I think this misunderstanding often comes down to the guy making the argument trying to put himself in the harasser/assaulter's shoes, and he wouldn't make comments about or touch sexual body parts unless it was a sexual thing, so he assumes it must be the same for every other guy. But it's just as different as the actions of a bully are from someone who wants to make friends.

6 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - The "Problem" with Mal... · 1 reply · +5 points

For sure. It just doesn't appear the original commenter is interested in any sort of nuanced conversation, given that he ignored the various suggestions given to his last post, so I was going for brevity. :P

6 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - The "Problem" with Mal... · 3 replies · +7 points

Well, I could point out that just within the studies mentioned in the article, they found contradictory results about the likelihood of people wanting to date virgins. Or that as people already pointed out to you, you could just not bring up the fact that you're a virgin with women you're dating--any woman who makes a big deal about finding out your exact level of experience is probably a bad fit for you anyway.

But you seem pretty determined to ignore what other people say so you can keep believing you're "screwed." I'd rather have a conversation with people who are actually intereted in getting advice and figuring out new approaches. Good luck.

6 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - "Cutoff Culture" And t... · 0 replies · +5 points

I'm incredibly sorry that happened to you. Anyone who would date you for ten months without ever treating you with respect is not a good person. Anyone who would say such horrible things to you is not a good person. A good person isn't only good to people who "deserve" it--a good person is good to everyone. A good person would treat someone they see as weak and in pain with sympathy and kindness, not dismissal and contempt. Anyone who turns their goodness on and off as it suits them is only *acting* good in some situations--how they act the rest of the time shows what their true mentality is.

If you're still struggling with this, considering how severely it's affected you, I highly recommend finding a professional to talk to as soon as possible. There may be counseling resources at your school if you're still in the midst of your studies. I don't know where you're located, but if you're in immediate need, there's an international list of suicide hotline numbers here:

6 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - "Cutoff Culture" And t... · 2 replies · +5 points

It sounds like you don't need an explanation, because you already know why he did what he did. You say he's an asshole, he doesn't care about your situation, he thought you were pregnant, etc. That sounds like tons of explanation to me. Assholes don't generally need any reason to behave asshole-ishly other than... that's just who they are.

It sucks that he lied to you about wanting to stay in a relationship. It sucks that he broke up at such a bad time for you. It sucks that he didn't apologize for doing so. But you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. He's shown his true colors--what you own *yourself* is to be grateful *not* to be spending any more time with him or listening to him, and be kind to yourself as well as you can.