LurkingGhest

LurkingGhest

80p

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8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - The Value of Authenticity · 4 replies · +11 points

Yes, I always wonder about these “logical, rational” people who have a very binary view. This really baffles me because in the sciences – the sciences! – you rarely see people making definitive conclusions with only two possible options. Like, if your experiment didn’t work, there could be a number of reasons why. Even if the response is “I screwed up,” it doesn’t mean “And I suck! I’ll never do any experiments correctly!” A negative result also doesn’t mean “My hypothesis is completely wrong, and I have proven the opposite.” It could mean “The test wasn’t sensitive enough to detect whatever I was looking for” or “I’m using the wrong type of assay to figure out this question” or “This means that X result isn’t true in plasma, but I could check the tissues.” And there’s a ton of variation in mice – inbred lab mice, sometimes genetically engineered to have the condition you’re looking at or whatever. Lab mice. Not even taking account people. When you get into people…..I mean, even in biological things like plasma levels of X protein, there’s a ton of variation. And I’m thinking of some people who make fun of the p values for the social sciences.

So Dancing_Fool – maybe it would help if you didn’t define yourself as logical and rational and everyone else as irrational and foolish. Because you’re not coming across that way. Maybe you were just making an off the cuff frustrated (emotional) remark about “It’s ridiculous that it’s harder to convince someone to spend one night with me instead of 100” but that seems like a silly comment if you give it any thought. I can think of many things where the long-term option would be more attractive than a short-term one, and I don’t have to think very hard. As in – I have to do the same amount of work (finding the job posting, applying, researching the company, preparing for an interview, interviewing) for a part-time job as a full-time job, and I would definitely choose a full-time job over a part-time one. Or if I had to submit an NIH grant, I’d choose having 100 days over one to prepare it. Or if I got, say, free pastries for either one day or 100 days, I’d choose 100. And it’s not even that you’d prefer the short-term option – nothing wrong with that, someone might be only looking for part-time work because of health reasons or to stay home with the kids, and someone on a diet might not want the pastry temptation – but you act like people wanting something longer term is ridiculous.

Same thing with your two options – “women don’t know a good thing when they see it” or “I suck, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” Both of these seem like very, very emotional conclusions to come to. Not to mention insulting (insulting to all women, insulting to yourself, and also – insulting to the people here who have given you a lot of different practical things that may help). And people here have provided a lot of alternative explanations (over the course of, I think, several posts now) – so it doesn’t sound like you’re being a good researcher on this topic. Alternative explanations like: you’re asking out the wrong type of woman, you’re not very good at conveying why you’d be a good partner, you want a significantly different type of relationship from the women in your social circle, you are attractive to a small number of women and will have a harder time finding a partner, you’re driving away women by some of the things you say.

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - The Value of Authenticity · 0 replies · +6 points

These all seem like good things to talk about. Is it interesting to you to have conversations that are about these things, but are a little more personal? Like how your friends liked previous concerts or the best concert they've seen in the past? Or how angry your LGBTQ friends are and some of the ways they've been treated poorly by Kim Davis-esque people in the past? Or how one friend is trying to improve his Indian cooking and some mishaps he has had along the way?

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - The Value of Authenticity · 0 replies · +3 points

Yeah, I've had something like this - I think I'm more emotionally restrained compared to a lot of my friends, family and coworkers, and sometimes I have thoughts like, 'Why won't you end the relationship? You're really unhappy! Logic!" But I'm pretty empathetic - now at least - and a lot of friends come to me with their problems.

I do think reading fiction helped as well as the things you list - getting more life experience, reading personal essays and posts. Another thing that might be helpful to Dancing_Fool - I have something of an advice column addiction and I know that I picked up a lot of concrete suggestions from reading them.They're "nonfiction" and you can read about the thought processes of both the person writing in and the advice columnist, and there are a lot of practical things that are suggested, often for dealing with emotional problems.

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - 5 Simple Ways To Impro... · 0 replies · +11 points

I agree that it can be difficult to be stuck in "first impression mode", but it would probably be more productive to ask for help/ask if anyone else is in a similar situation or vent just about your personal situation instead of phrasing things as if everyone else is Relationshipping Wrong.

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - 5 Simple Ways To Impro... · 0 replies · +15 points

I was wondering about this as well. It does seem like there can be a lot of work and "filtering" involved in *making* friends, but once you're friends with someone the whole "making sure your loved ones keep loving you" usually involves stuff like doing things with them/having fun and providing/receiving support/being intimate etc.

Having fun should be, well, fun and if you don't enjoy spending time together, that could be problematic for the whole friendship. Above, empathy and supporting people were listed as good things so even though providing support can be work, it seems like that would be a positive?

Obviously there are a lot of problems that can crop up in any friendship - a friend doesn't have as much time to spend together, they need more support than usual, they have a kid and suddenly everything is about the kid - but those are specific issues rather than a general philosophical problem with friends and social skills.

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - 5 Simple Ways To Impro... · 4 replies · +19 points

Yes, that is a bit puzzling. I'm not sure how having a once a week appointment would interfere with having an otherwise awesome life. Also, before I started therapy, I was definitely not having an awesome life because things like "leaving the apartment", "cooking food" and "taking showers" had become ridiculously difficult.

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - How To Approach Women ... · 25 replies · +13 points

This is a really puzzling comment. What exactly is hypocritical? Women who have casual sexual relationships not wanting those relationships with men who slut-shame? Isn't that the opposite of hypocritical? Wouldn't the OPPOSITE be hypocritical - if the women said negative things about people who have casual relationships/sleep together early in the relationship, but had casual relationships themselves?

Also, how are any of the women who turn down second dates judging you on you inexperience, unless you tell them you're a virgin during the first date?

And what do you even mean by "romantic uniqueness"? I'm sure everyone knows what you mean by sexual uniqueness (she's a virgin so you're her first for everything sexual).

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - How To Make Small Talk... · 0 replies · +4 points

Great article - I like small talk (in a "Hello, you are a person I have mildly positive feelings towards or am interested in getting to know, and this is demonstrating that") and am usually pretty good at it (things that need to be improved are approaching groups and people I find intimidating), but I picked up some good tips. I generally ask the questions that can be answered with a Yes or No or a single sentence - will have to keep some of the open ended questions in mind.

Another thing that I don't think was specifically mentioned (although is very much in keeping with the ethos of the site) is that, since you want to try to connect with people, you don't want to be too negative, even if those are your true feelings. For example, I really hated The Dark Knight Rises. Hated it. Was very, very bored seeing the movie. But one time I was talking with a couple people, and one of the guys mentioned he also hated it, so we went off a bit on how bad it was. The other guy quietly mentioned that he liked it and didn't participate in our conversation. Looking back, I felt bad, because we probably made him feel a little bad, or at least excluded, with the ranting. So now even though I'll occasionally mention how I disliked the movie, I do it in a different way. I don't mention every little thing that I hated about the movie and maybe not the most negative sounding thing ("I was so bored, I started judging the music, and that sucked also!"). I mention that I really liked the first two in the trilogy and the couple things I did like about TDKR (I thought Anne Hathaway was surprisingly good and I liked the callbacks to not just the last movie, but the first one - tying up some of those ends). I'll usually talk about how I found it too unbelievable, but generally pair that with the fact that The Dark Knight was unbelievable also, it just worked for me in a sort of melodramatic, operatic way - so I'm not implying that anyone who liked TDKR likes unbelievable, silly things.

Obviously, if there's something that you have absolutely no positive feelings for and aren't interested in, it might be better to just not saying anything, excuse yourself, or try to change the conversation after a bit. If someone is talking about how awesome the current pool of Republican candidates is, and how hard it is to choose, and how they wish they could pick all 16 (17?) of them.....I would know that just isn't a conversation for me at all.

9 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - 5 Must-Follow Man Rules · 0 replies · +7 points

There's also asking for help in ways that ARE entitled or are full of generalizations. For example, a typical Nice Guy(TM) rant will be "I did [Friend Things X and Y] for her, it's not fair that she won't date me" which is going to get criticized even if people feel sympathy for "I like someone who doesn't return the feeling." And if someone comes and says "I can't date because women won't date someone who is fat/short/nerdy/etc" then, yeah, people are going to focus on the problematic generalization (and that kind of mindset can also contribute to difficulties with dating).

9 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - 5 Must-Follow Man Rules · 0 replies · +5 points

Yes, agree. I think it might be easier for women to do #1 because of socialization - e.g., stereotypes of men not asking for directions, strong silent types who never need help. The negative ideas of women as less competent probably makes them asking for help more "natural" (even if that also makes them look less competent) and in cases of asking strangers for help, women will likely seem less threatening.