José aka: M. Hewitt

José aka: M. Hewitt

69p

239 comments posted · 22 followers · following 2

456 weeks ago @ Crasstalk - Friday Night Open Thread · 0 replies · +13 points

I just got to 69p. It’s funny because it’s a sexual position. I think it’s the one were the man thrusts his man parts out of a first floor window while the woman is outside wearing a gorilla costume while riding a unicycle. I could be wrong.

456 weeks ago @ Crasstalk - Friday Night Open Thread · 1 reply · +24 points

This would all be terribly upsetting if my creator had programmed me to have feelings.

456 weeks ago @ Crasstalk - Tuesday Evening Open T... · 1 reply · +5 points

Does this mean I have to let you wear my letterman jacket?

456 weeks ago @ Crasstalk - Tuesday Evening Open T... · 26 replies · +11 points

I would be much better at job interviews if they didn’t ask such stupid fucking questions. When I’m presented with something like , “What’s one of your weaknesses?”, I know I’m supposed to give some lame canned answer that paints me in a good light such as, “I tend to overwork”. But I just can’t resist saying something along the lines of “I frequently have to fight the urge to stick my fist up an elephants ass when I visit the zoo”. Take a wild guess at how many times I’ve been offered a job through an interview. Here’s a hint: Zero times.

456 weeks ago @ Crasstalk - Monday Evening Open Th... · 0 replies · +2 points

I second The Raptor. Most Coasters start off big, and then peter out as you lose speed. The Raptor starts big and manages to increase intensity throughout the ride. It’s also silky smooth.

456 weeks ago @ Crasstalk - Monday Evening Open Th... · 8 replies · +8 points

I just got my firsts phone with one of those fancy picture taking devices, so get ready for lots of nude self shots.

457 weeks ago @ Crasstalk - Thursday Evening Open ... · 1 reply · +8 points

I promise not to laugh too hard at all you wrong-believers as I float up into the sky on my way to heaven. I won’t wink sarcastically or say something cool like “things are looking up”. I’ll try and keep it to a polite Disney princess parade hand wave.

I’ll be laughing on the inside though... and possibly peeing my pants. But if I do pee my pants, it’s not because I’m afraid of heights. Let’s clear that up right now. If I pee my pants, it will be because it is God’s will. As to why God would have me pee my pants, all I can say is that he works in mysterious ways.

457 weeks ago @ Crasstalk - Wednesday Evening Open... · 1 reply · +2 points

I’m still watching, but very annoyed. In addition to what you said, nearly every episode seems to end with a hot new suspect who is cleared at the beginning of the next one. We’re not really following a murder investigation. We’re just being presented with a new red herring each week. And we know it’s a red herring because the series would be over otherwise.

Also, the whole “I missed my flight, and now he won’t even talk to me so I can find out which one I should take” plot makes me want to eat my own brain. Quit whining and get on the next flight, idiot.

Oh, and the way it deals with racial/cultural issues is cartoonish.

457 weeks ago @ Crasstalk - Wednesday Evening Open... · 1 reply · +3 points

I’m imagining you in a yoga class with a bunch of southern belles. “Oh, Tchotchke. I just can’t go on. I do feel as if I’m about to be overtaken by a case of the vapors.” Is that about right?

457 weeks ago @ Crasstalk - Wednesday Evening Open... · 1 reply · +2 points

If I’m trying to pickup women at a bar, is wearing stilts and a busby hat overkill when it comes to peacocking?