en-us https://www.intensedebate.com/users/6840462 Comments by Infamy http://www.equestriadaily.com/2013/05/story-jericho.html?m=1#IDComment652404358 Well, you sent him to a separate town, where the violence / distrust level is comparatively through the roof. You have given no indication that this is the case anywhere else in Equestria; I still assume Ponyville and Canterlot are business as usual. There's a foundation for a modified, in-story Equestria (with the fallen angel thing), but you haven't tracked down that plot line enough to make me think there's anything really different about your rendition of Equestria yet. In "The Immortal Game," the idea of "Equestria" was rather quickly changed in the first chapter, when Celestia's parents showed up. Had the author started with Twilight suddenly showing up in Ponyville as evil, it would have been harder to buy. The events in Canterlot established a shift in the expected, which justified the violence level used. If you were to think of the land as a character, Equestria would have been in-character there. You've given us a town which is presumably in Equestria. That comes with a certain number of assumptions (civility, happiness, lack of "issues"). I think you need to give a reason why those assumptions don't apply (a reason why Equestria isn't like I think it is, and "mysterious government thing" is too hand-wavey for me at this point), or bring the town into compliance with those assumptions. Otherwise, the setting is "out of character," if you will. It might as well not be set in Equestria. That's what I meant. I think it would help if the govt. people thing wasn't as mysterious as you're making it. I'm thinking a cutscene in the "government's" perspective, but I know it's supposed to be first-person, more or less, so I'm not going to push for something unnatural. Right now, the "justification" for the town's violence level is the "government," but the government itself is unexplained, let alone justified. I certainly have no reason to believe it's connected to the legitimate Equestrian government (at this point, you indicate otherwise in comments), there's no mention of regional governments in your story or in canon, and the town's government is evidently in the "oppressed" group as well, judging by the baron and the sheriff. So if it's not a government, then what is it? There's a lot of explaining to do. Remind me what his stated goal in the town is, besides "being there because the plot says so" and "reacting to events as they happen." I only read it once. If you can pull it off, I won't mind reading whatever you write. I think the humor gives you more leeway than most to stretch believability. Maybe you have a perfectly fine story worked out, and I don't want to see you break it to try to accommodate some random internet poster who's only claim to fame are some boring lab reports and that one crappy short story. So take what I say with a grain of salt. You pull this off, and I imagine Jericho will get into into my "Personal Top 5 MLP FanFics." I feel what you have now is easily that good. Thu, 30 May 2013 00:10:21 +0000 http://www.equestriadaily.com/2013/05/story-jericho.html?m=1#IDComment652404358 http://www.equestriadaily.com/2013/05/story-jericho.html?m=1#IDComment651970847 ** SPOILERS ** The later chapters are starting to develop a Fo:E type of feeling to them. Not necessarily bad, but I'm not sure I want to sit through another 40 chapters of that. PH killed longfics for me. I think you desperately need to tie it into Equestria, because right now you have a town, a "quest," and a "character band" (up to 3 now, complete with dysfunctions) from Fo:E, with little to connect it to the premise of meeting Celestia. I think it'll be a lot harder to pull off a believable violence level given what you have given yourself to work with; in fact, I think the believability is already fraying. It's not *quite* dead yet, but it's about 1 or 3 assaults / kills away from being "too violent to fit with Equestria as we know it." It's becoming OCville. He set out to meet Celestia, right? I understand the mysterious notes are guiding him now, but I feel it's lost track of the original intention of the plot. So many loose ends that need resolution before Canterlot. If you mean to go for another 10 or 20 chapters, maybe I can see you getting around to putting him in Canterlot, but at the rate you're going, I don't think you'll write that part for another year or two, if ever. That being said, I thoroughly enjoy your sense of humor and your writing style so far. Probably the most I've laughed at an MLP fanfic. I may have to steal some of your elements if / when I write something. Although I'm not sure I can do the humor that well, even with a reference. I'd be willing to read through another 15 or so chapters like this. If you're going to do a longfic though, *please* give the reader some true climaxes / payoffs. Fo:E worked because there were some of these, in spite of its flaws. PH broke because the "payoffs" were always hollow and depressing (anything good got balanced by something worse; I stopped around Ch. 25 or 30 I think). From outside MLP, "Watership Down" had at least two major payoffs before the final battle (when they reached the new warren the first time, and when they got back from the jailbreak), and it was excellent. Summary: I like it, but I think you're starting to leave Equestria. Wed, 29 May 2013 06:14:47 +0000 http://www.equestriadaily.com/2013/05/story-jericho.html?m=1#IDComment651970847 http://www.equestriadaily.com/2013/04/drawfriend-stuff-776.html#IDComment621537623 I was looking at drawfriend #1 last night. The answer to your question is yes. Comparing those ... it's like ... holy crap, man. This stuff is so far above the original stuff it isn't funny. And the original stuff wasn't that bad to start with. Seeing the progress was rather amazing. Wed, 17 Apr 2013 20:50:33 +0000 http://www.equestriadaily.com/2013/04/drawfriend-stuff-776.html#IDComment621537623