IntenseDebate - Emil1986NL

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: Solv... · 0 replies · +1 points

Just an alternative idea to the butch friend: make it a mystery where you are wedding to your siblings. "You are expected to be here-and-here at 8 am, where somebody will pick you up, and take you to the wedding"
Just up to you if you want your mother to know that you are getting married, if you don't mind her knowing then your siblings don't have to keep a secret either.

Anyway, good luck! I hope you will have (had?) a great wedding.

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: A Bi... · 0 replies · 0 points

I think you're a bit overreacting, nobody said her giving off her phone number meant she would date him.
We started with nolorn being afraid that *asking her out* was not OK, it'd be harrassment. And while of course there may be instances where someone would feel uncomfortable, I think that's the risk of giving out a phone number.
You don't have to be a "guardian of your sacred digits", but when you're giving out your number (man or woman), I think you are giving permission to the receiver to call/text you, and ask you out on a date. You don't have to accept it, and you can expect at least politeness, but giving out your number and then complaining you got asked out, I'd say that's ridiculous.

Sidenote: I'm assuming the case where you are not giving your phone number in a professional/semi-public context, or where someone got your phone number via another way. I'm simply talking about meeting someone on a train/subway and exchanging numbers because you want to chat some more.

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Can Men And Women Be "... · 0 replies · +1 points

Agree that men and women can be friends, but I think physical/sexual attraction sometimes IS a barrier. There are 2 women I consider my friends, but I also knew this girl some time ago. I wouldn't say we were real friends, but definitely acquintances, coming close to friends. And I developed this crush on her, not mutual, bad case of oneitis.

And while I enjoyed spending time with her before, after I fell in love, it frustatrated me to be so close to her, but not being able to touch her. As well, she got tired of me sharing my feelings, so I couldn't tell her how much I wanted her. Which was the only thing occupying my mind, it was simply too FRUSTRATING. While I wanted to be with her, it hurt like hell. Maybe I'm not mature enough to put these feelings aside, but I couldn't. So right now we don't see each other anymore. As the doctor would put it, I executed the nuclear option.

She did nothing wrong, and based on mutual interests we could well have been friends. But it just couldn't work for me. While I still long for her, I'm happier now I don't see her anymore. So yes, friendships are sure possible, but feelings can get in the way for some. Which can make it more complicated. Not to mention if one of you is too anxious to share their feelings.

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: Let ... · 0 replies · +1 points

I think it's mostly about the chance of something growing.
If it's "I don't think I like her, but I'm not sure yet", I'd say give it a chance. But if you're already 100% sure it's never going to work (which can of course also be a self-fulfilling prophecy), then if you're taking her out on a date, it's just stringing her along.
And I think anyone can only ever decide that for themselves, not for "reasons".

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - The Virgin\'s Guide To... · 0 replies · +2 points

Ignoring some implications which others have already commented on, but I couldn't help noticing 2 logical conclusions from your statements:
1. You're saying it only 'counts' if you're not past your sexual prime. You're applying that to virginity, but shouldn't it also apply to sex in general? I.e. people shouldn't have sex when they're over 40, it won't be any good?
2. "The species depend on people getting laid". Should this not be "... getting laid while not using any form of birth control"?

So following your logic, I think a majority of people are "failures"

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Geek Behaviors That Dr... · 0 replies · -5 points

Not too long ago I read the old DNL article "on labeling women crazy" ( http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/07/labeling-wo... ). And I think a lot that's said there applies to your comment. Does he (or anyone else) have to convince you of his reasons for liking a show? Don't think so.

Personally, I've never seen MLP. It doesn't appeal to me, but maybe it's a nice show. And if Alcoraiden likes it, he'll have his reasons. Do they have to be watertight psychological or communicative reasons? No. If I were interested in MLP, or in Alcoraidens hobbies, I'd ask him to try to explain it to me. Maybe he'd enlighten me, or maybe it would remain an alien thing to me. But he does NOT have to justify himself to me.

Which is, I'm sorry to say, what you are demanding of him. You don't like him liking the show, so you're saying he's very creepy, until he gives you a serious reason for his feelings.

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - 5 Things Men Do That M... · 0 replies · +1 points

I'm not really afraid of others asking (I'm 29 and still a virgin), but it's something I'd want to tell. Although I am afraid of her reaction, believing she may not appreciate it. The reason that I'd still want to tell is because it's a big deal in my mind.

I know, I know, it shouldn't be, it's just an experience I haven't had yet, I memory I don't have yet, but still I feel like I am not yet a complete person, not yet an adult. May be an emotion I'd have to work on, but I can't simply dismiss it. And if the moment comes, I want to have an intimate emotional bond as well as simply 'doing the deed'. Which means that I want to be able to share everything that matters to me, including the fact I haven't lost my virginity yet. If I were not to tell her, it'd feel like lying to her. I'd want to share what having sex means to her, and what it means to me.

I'm not too ashamed of my virginity (or I wouldn't tell here either), but I have the feeling it may be more of a negative than a positive thing, mainly because people might not understand it.

Am I unique in this way? Did/do most people tell their first that it was their first time?

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - What's Really Wrong Wi... · 1 reply · +2 points

Agreed.

I was trying to explain why I find it hard to "get" women. But finding it hard doesn't mean I shouldn't work at it, you're right about that.
Also, in the past I think I overthought, in the sense that I felt that if I just thought long and hard enough about it, I'd be able to gain an understanding. But now I realize that's not gonna be enough, as you're saying, listening and trying to enjoy things from the female perspective are needed too.

Someway I guess I already knew everything you said (deep down), but having it stated here clearly helps. So I will try to improve, thanks for your explanation!

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - What's Really Wrong Wi... · 3 replies · +1 points

Saying this as a straight male, I think there´s one important difference: when dating it's also about understanding why someone would be attracted to you.
Most people are comprehensible as you say, but I have to admit that I don't get why someone would be physically attracted to me. Or to any other man for that matter. I like women, and I can't imagine myself wanting to kiss a man. And that makes it harder to understand why somebody else would want that. I find it easier to empathize with other straight men, or with lesbians.
I get most things women (or men) do, but I don't get straight women when it comes to dating/having relationships.

For me, it's more of an axiom, it is a given that a lot of women are atrrtacted to men, some of them will be attracted to me, if I do this or that some more may like me, I understand why some of these things work, but I don't get the full picture. The best that I can do is treat her like I want to be treated, and hope she feels "the click".

Finally one last observation: I think for a lot of people it's a nice excuse not to change anything about themselves. "I can't get a date, the fault is with the oppposite sex. They are just too confusing."

8 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Rules for Wingmen · 0 replies · +1 points

I'd like to add another task for the wingman: giving feedback on how you are doing. I came here from "how to deal with rejection", where the doctor advised to keep a journal, to keep track of what you're doing right and wrong, but a wingman can of course give even better advice and feedback, as he's not as emotionally invested and less subjective.

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