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Man who live in humble soviet home receives many letter one day. Are big letter, with much content within.
Man open first letter and find capitalist propaganda, pictures of american tractors inside. He knows there is to be more picture in the other letter, so no need to open. He burn letters for warmth.
Suddenly, man attacked from behind. Is soviet soldiers. Man did not distribute letters evenly among his peers for warmth from burn, so is executed.
Such is life in Soviet Russia.
Try this. Turn off music. Turn off TV. If you are greedy capitalist and have machine, turn off computer. Go to next room, and sit, do not dance, do not drink, be as quiet as Jew during pogrom. Does Comrade Russian hear sound? Itsy bitsy ringing? Glorious People say it is brain making up a sound to explain reason why Russian is not drinking or dancing.
Silly Americans can not tell you what making sound, Smart Russians can because are not silly bourgeoise with book and film.
It is wail of gypsy. If gypsy is planning to steal item in house, evil gypsy wail alerts holy Russian Orthodox Church. Find gypsy, hit gypsy with hand, then drink Vodka until sound go away. Then hit gypsy child until child is no longer gypsy.
Such is life for gypsy in Russia.
And no amount of running will save you.
In Russia, coffin has pipe for air, and bell with string. If man is true Soviet, he does not die. When buried, yells for undertaker and rings bell. Bell rings. Is no wind.
Undertaker asks - "Are you lady Gorbochev?"
Voice says "Da!"
"Born winter of 1927?"
"Gravestone says 'Died 20 February, 1957"
"Niet, am still living!"
"Am sorry, but is August. In June, ground will thaw. You must wait for June."
And woman is true Soviet, waits for June.
"Father, I had bad dream"
You take sip of vodka and roll over. You are stare at clocktower on Sobornaya Square. Is 3:23. "Go back to sleep, is much work tomorrow." "No, Father." Familiar warm buzz of vodka starts to sink in. Can barely make out devochka's pale form in the darkness. "Why is that, devochka moya?" "Because in dream, when I was about to go back to sleep, thing wearing Mother's skin sat up." You pause, face your daughter and look at her intensely. Figure behind you begin to stir.
"Don't talk that way about your brother, is not his fault we have no money for coats. Such is life in Moscow."
One night man tries escape from gulag.
Makes his way to cabin in middle of tundra. Inside is plain, but many family pictures on walls. He falls asleep. In middle of night he is put in sack and dragged out. The next morning he is shot like dog.
Pictures are windows. KGB always watching.
Legend is being going like this.
You are entering bathroom and standing in front of mirror. Turning candles off and, while being in front of mirror, spinning rapidly, you chanting "Leon Trotsky" "Leon Trotsky" "Leon Trotsky" "Leon Trotsky", several times, while catching glimpses of self on mirror. It is said that eventually you be seeing image of Leon Trotsky on mirror.
Upon exiting bathroom you are being arrested by KGB for believing in existence of Leon Trotsky, whom party has proven never existed.
You come home from hard day of work at glorious Soviet tractor factory.
Enter lounge and drink vodka. Cat sit on top of kitchen table, stare at you. “Stupid cat.” you say, “You look just like comrade Stalin fat ugly wife!”.
Early next morning, KGB kick down front door and take you to Siberian gulag for outrageous slur against Comrade Stalin beautiful wife.
In glorious Soviet motherland, even cat can be trained to report owner for spread discontent and tell lie about senior party members.
Cat receive Order Of Lenin medal and senior position in KGB; you receive 30 year hard labour sentence at Soviet re-education camp.
Life is just and fair under our beloved leader Stalin.
Short time previous, man is walk down road because he not afford autocar when he sees top-notch soviet autocar approach from rear of him. He salute car to attract attention for transport, and autocar ceases moving. Man run to passenger side of vehicle and open door. When door opened, skeleton ejects from autocar! Body being dumped by KGB agent for insolence against great communist party!
Such is life in Russia.